The Unwanted Statesman

that hasn't been called up . . . but is waiting

Tiger v. Osama

There are few things that I hate in this world: my car, Kyle, old people, Jerry Falwell, throwing out old pairs of jeans, and, oh yeah, Osama Bin Laden. If there was ever a single person in the entire world that could amass so much hatred, I sure as hell haven't heard of them. Sure Stalin and Hitler killed tons of innocent people, but when people fought for them, they actually thought they would live. The crazy fanatics of Osama Bin Laden want to die.

This is an enormous enigma for me. The Japanese did this in World War 2 and it was basically the dumbest strategy to trying to win a war in the history of wars. They lost all of the talented warriors and when time came to protect themselves, they were left with women and children. But that isn't what vexes me. I am wondering why Osama isn't dead yet. The tragedies of September 11 have been heralded by this jerk-off and he has promised more suicide bombings as a result of the U.S. defending itself. Okay, so it's revenge for New York and Washington, but who really cares? The point is I have yet to see this guy do anything but talk and say bad things about the U.S. What kind of leader is this guy anyway? I would just like to sit in on one of these terrorist meetings. I just want to hear him say, "Okay, you go and strap a bomb to your chest while I hold the remote detonator." It's like his followers are watching too many Looney Tunes. If you are holding on to a bomb and it goes off in your hands, your hair does not shoot back like Einstein's and you do not just have a charcoal face to wash off. You die. You cease to exist. Your life is done. Why is it that the leader understands this but this concept escapes the rest of his al Qaeda? And would it hurt to put a "u" in there after the "Q"? Maybe Osama should invest some of his daddy's money into buying a vowel instead of killing innocent people.

And Osama is not the cleanest person either. It wouldn't hurt if we sent over some hippies to make him soap. This guy is the opposite of a citronella candle. He actually has to fend off flies so he can talk to people. And you have to wonder how the indoor plumbing is in the cave that he calls home. Oh let me tell you. There is none. He squats in the corner of a room and doesn't wipe, because, apparently, only Americans make toilet paper. Oh and he is extremely sensitive about being bald . . . did I forget to mention that? He's a cueball. He is not a member of the hair club for men, but should be. I say we drop some Rogaine on him to see if it has any effect. This guy has less hair then a Beach Boys concert. I don't know about you but I doubt I could follow a gun toting coward who has to stop talking every five minutes to clear the flies from his face, smells like human feces, and blames the U.S. for his hereditary baldness.

The U.S. is not at war with a mad man. We are at war with a smelly bald man who has probably never worked a day in his life doing something productive so he lives off the inheritance money from his dad. So let this be a lesson to all you rabbits out there. If you are going to have 52 kids, make sure number 17 drowns in a puddle of urine. And now my disclaimer . . .

	The Unwanted Weather Report Click here to see the Weather in your area.	The Ignorant Amuse yourself with some great games and websites right here.
The Giant Pandas at the National Zoo The Panda House at the National Zoo opened on January 10th, 2001. If you would like more info or would like to see pictures, streaming live video, or video archives please visit the zoo's Panda Website. Giant Pandas at Smithsonian National Zoo If you would like to help the Giant Pandas Survive in the wild, visit . . . Get Involved for the Pandas If you have any additional questions about the Giant Pandas, email pandas@fonz.org	Letters to Osama! Osama, Where you at? I am bravely hiding in a cave in Afghanistan. You can't see me. Dear Osama, Die! Thank you for your concern. I actually like my hair the color that it is now. Mr. bin Laden, Why do you hate us so much? Because DirecTV is not available in Afghanistan.
Anthrax making a comeback This week, Anthrax has announced a comeback tour. The band has been in retirement since the eighties when everyone realized they were talentless. But now they are back and causing havoc with promotional materials for a benefit concert in New York on November 28th. A spokeswoman for the band has issued a statement late this week about the horrible publicity stunts. "The idea seemed funny when we were batting it around in IHOP," she said. "But we honestly had no idea that the sugar we laced the envelopes with contained the deadly bacteria." The FBI has investigated the Anthrax (band) letters and finds no link between the unpopular band and the real anthrax letters that were sent to Senator Daschle and Tom Brokaw. Matters of fact, the letters tasted a little like the rooti-tooti fresh and fruiti. Amid all the current problems, the band has decided to keep the name. They are hopeful there will be no more negative effects . . . unless they come out with another album. After the Nov. 28th concert, Anthrax will be going on tour and can be seen in a gutter near you. Redskins? For those Washington Redskins football fans out there, let me be blunt. The Washington Redskins suck harder then an episode of Saturday Night Live. This 0-5 team might be the worst thing to hit major league sports ever. Oh wait, I just saw the Jerry Jones' face lift. The Redskins are the second worst thing to happen to major league sports ever. Football is in no way an easy sport. It takes skill and discipline to play and creativity to win. This season, the Redskins seem to lack all of the above. Coach Marty Schottenheimer isn't entirely to blame. He is trying to give the team a new look and create a well-oiled machine with guys who were at the top of the NFL payroll last year. And somehow all the talent that was there last year is gone. The offense is a joke. The defense and special teams cannot compare to the fluke that was the Ravens last year. No one can rely on the defense the entire time. The offense has to make some plays. And so far the leading scorer on the Redskins in the kicker. That is just sad. From one die-hard football fan, please someone help this pathetic team. Maybe they should start scrimmaging high school football teams.

Until next time . . .

Okay, now the scores: 9-7, 88-74, 17, and 1. That's the news and I am outta here . . .