God is Dead

In case you missed it, God died the other day. No, it wasn't front page news. It was relegated to page twenty-three right under the article about Keanu Reeves' new movie. You know, that tall goofy looking guy who couldn't act his way out of a box.. Anyway, God's death came as no surprise to anyone because he had been suffering from schizophrenia recently-you know, the whole father, son, ghost thing. He had spent his last days in a nursing home, apparently being visited only by bald old men and wrinkled ladies. It seems his only child, Jesus, had failed to come as he had promised.

Initial reaction to God's death was lukewarm. Corporate America was happy, because now people would forget all that God and goodwill crap on the holidays and realize that the only way to show your affection for someone is through a gift, and an expensive gift at that. Santa Claus, when reached for comment, was found to be ecstatic because he was getting sick of sharing all the press with God on Christmas. Now it could be changed to the religiously unbiased X-mas. X-mas tree vendors were happy as well. They have planned an extensive marketing campaign to get people to put dead trees in their living rooms on other holidays, not just X-mas. The Easter Bunny was also seen hopping excitedly, as his aggressive takeover of Easter would now be complete. Even Celia Hamilton was seen happily strutting around the CSB/SJU campuses, as she would no longer have to sleep through any boring masses.

Yet, some people were disappointed to see God finally kick the bucket. T.V. evangelists were angry, wondering how they were supposed to make a quick buck off southerners and people residing in trailer homes without invoking the name of God. The religious right was also worried, scared that people might finally realize how ignorant and pig headed they really are. The St. John's University School of Theology was also said to be making plans to turn their graduate school in theology to a graduate program in business due to God's demise, no longer being able to make a few bucks teaching people about their spirituality. Instead, they decided to teach people how to capitalize on other people in a different way, and take their money in a less devious manner.

Working stiffs were also put out by God's death. Architects were at a serious loss of business, as they could no longer construct huge buildings using the most expensive materials all in the name of a God who says its not what's on the outside that counts. Also at a loss were artists, especially those specializing in stained glass and statues, as they no longer will be able to turn a profit without huge works dedicated to a supposedly caring God who didn't want people to worship idols and images.

Rich people too were hurt by the loss of God. Without religion and the hope of an afterlife, poor people might actually want to have some fun here on Earth. They might begin to get angry about their repression and try taking what they now consider to be rightly theirs. Reportedly, one percent of the world's richest people have put out a bounty for one million dollars to any writer who can come up with a spiritual tradition like Christianity that will allow the poor to hope for more in the afterlife and forget about their worthless bodies here on earth.

Warlords were also angered. Without holy wars it might be tough to get people up off their asses for a fight. Watching your friends die hideous deaths just isn't fun in the name of garnering more territory. Telling parents they're sending their children off to a war halfway around the world in order to stimulate the economy and lower oil prices just isn't going to work. Invoke the name of God, though, and then you've got a regiment willing to die for your territorial squabbles.

People who revel in rituals were also said to be angered by God's untimely demise. Now they won't have any reason to observe ancient, worn out rituals such as kneeling every Sunday at about ten-thirty, and singing songs absent-mindedly, half of the words to which they don't really understand. Yet, those Sunday rituals of kneeling and singing have been replaced by sitting on the couch and yelling every now and then as some huge guys run into each other in a game dubbed football.

Some people were happy though, homosexuals being among them. Now that people couldn't tell them they were bad because some book written by an ancient culture under the guidance of God told them it was wrong, they might actually be accepted. People who use birth control to responsibly save the world from overcrowding were also seen celebrating, as they no longer were seen to be violating one of God's rules. Ninety-nine percent of men were also happy, without God they now didn't have to feel guilty about masturbating. The other one percent of men now decided to try it out.

Women too were happy. No longer did they have to face a God with whom they couldn't connect because he was always referred to as a man. They also realized the inherent contradiction of the grand creator being a man when it is women who in all actuality give birth. They also realized that without a male gendered God they no longer have to feel inferior to men. They now hope to be seen as just as powerful and just as capable of doing supposedly male jobs such as CEO, President, and doctor.

Priests were very obviously disconcerted by God's death. No longer could they tell other people what to do while they lived off of their money. Yet, Catholic priests were a little more open to God's death, as now they could tell all about their secret affairs with the some of the rich wives in the congregation without seeming hypocritical.

Scientists were very happy, no longer did they have to try and reconcile their findings with some old text to show that God had actually created all. No longer did they have to be reviled for their scientific findings. The theory of evolution, if it had been a living thing with emotions, would have been greatly pleased to find that it no longer faced such a mighty foe as God.

Guilt is also at an all-time low now that God has died. People no longer feel guilty for having bodies, and for doing things with those bodies. Now that God has died, people have become remarkably in touch with their own bodies, instead of always wondering what the big guy upstairs was thinking about them. The amount of actual fun on earth, if it could be measured in units, has gone up immeasurably. People now are having fun without feeling the guilt that God and his morals presented to them.

Athletes who relied on God to allow them to play are now at a loss as to what to do. Randall Cunningham is hoping he doesn't have to get his knee scoped because, without the greatest football fan in the universe, God, he might miss a couple games instead of being magically healed by God in five days. Cris Carter is also disappointed. No longer will God help him get open and catch touchdown passes, thus allowing him to earn a couple more million dollars. Without God he might become a washed up has-been. Reggie White is also worried that he won't be able to hide his racist, sexist, and just plain stupid remarks behind his minister status. Without God, people might realize he is actually a bigot.

Overall, it appears God's death has both hurt and helped people. But when asked," What do you think about God's untimely demise?", the average person just replied, "Who?". Maybe God's death hasn't had such an Earth-shattering impact as it in theory should have. Maybe people really don't care. Or maybe, they've evolved to realize they don't need a God telling them what is right and wrong anymore. Maybe they've evolved so far that they can judge between right and wrong and make a sensible choice, a decision that takes into account more than just their own petty wants and needs. Maybe they don't even need a God anymore.