One man stpes forward and says "I do!"
So the captain hands him the bible and says: "Here, take this and pray. We're short one life jacket!"
Two bowling teams, one all-blondes and one all-brunettes, rent a double-decker bus for a bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the upper level. The brunette team down below is whooping it up, having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all had white knuckles.
The brunette says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."
The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats!"
A painter, while whitewashing an outhouse, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and land in the muck at the bottom. He shouted: "FIRE!!!" at the top of his lungs.
The local fire department responded swiftly, sirens roaring as they approached the privy.
"Where's the fire?" called the chief.
"No fire," replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole. "But if I had yelled, "Shit!" who would have rescued me?"
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, Well, Little Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we dont have he money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why dont you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead. After his temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write
a letter to Jesus...
Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Little Johnny
Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat). So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and want a new bicycle.
Yours truly,
Little Johnny
Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this
year and can I have a new bicycle.
Little Johnny
Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which, by the way, was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter threw it in the trash, and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about...
depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Little Johnny ent inside and knelt down, looking around... not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden, he grabbed a small one of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter...
Jesus,
I've broken most of the Ten Commandments, shot spit wads in school, tore
up my sisters Barbie doll and lots more. I'm desperate. I've got your
Mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
A man walks into a bar and sees a dog laying on the floor. He says to the guy sitting next to it in a chair, "Does your dog bite?"
The man in the chair says "No."
So the man bends down to pet the dog. Just as he starts to pet him, the dog turns his head really quick and bites him right in the hand. The man jumps back fast as he can and yells "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite?!"
The man in the chair turns slowly and says: "That ain't my dog."
