"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
One day a Jew, a Hindu, and an Englishman all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.
They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn. The Hindu and the Englishman were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door.
It was the Jew. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
"No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the Englishman and the Jew to share the room.
They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
The Englishman grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.
It was the cow and the pig…
After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.
An extremely modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which has upset his digestive system. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decides the latest urge to shit is just another, and stays put. Suddenly, he fills his bed with diarrhea, and is embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumps up, gathers up the bed sheets, and throws them out the hospital window.
At that moment, a drunk is walking by the hospital, and the sheets land on him. He starts yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, leaving the shit-soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stands there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who's been watching the whole incident walks up and asks: "What the hell was that all about?"
Still staring down, the drunk replies: "I'm not sure, but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. They are all asked: "When you're in your casket, and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says: "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says: "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies: "I would like to hear them say... LOOK! HE'S MOVING!"
A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.
The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the man led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my talking clock," the man replied.
"How does it work?" asked one of his friends.
"Watch this," the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey jerk! It's 2 in the freaking morning!"
An Indian magician asks for a volunteeer from the crowd. As the man steps up on stage, the magician hands him a sledge hammer, saying: "When I lay my head on this block, I want you to hit the top of my head as hard as you can."
The volunteer agrees, and as soon as the magician gives the signal, he raises the sledge hammer and brings it down on the magicians head, caving it in! Blood flies everywhere, and fragments of bone and brain splatter the wall behind him! The paramedics are called in and the magician is taken to the hospital where he lay in a coma for ten solid years until one morning, his eyes flutter and his fingers start to wiggle. He seems to be trying to say something!
The doctors all rush in and watch as the magician's movements become more pronounced. Finally, with great effort, the magician raises both his arms, opens his eyes, smiles, and says, in a weak and trembling voice:
"Ta-daaa..."
