A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said: "You're showing us that if
you drink alcohol, you won't have worms."
This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him,
"Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save,yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred
cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cutfor hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and
cut all day," the man tells himself.
So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the
dealer," the man says to himself.The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case.The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine." Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?"
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The
three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but they end up
arriving in front of her at the same time.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The
first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go
out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to
the tall, shiny Golden Retriever.
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless.That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says,"How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fameand finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a
smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
An exact replica of a letter a daughter wrote to her parents from college
Dear Mom and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college.I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry
for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. Iwill bring you up to date now, but, before you read on,
please sit down.
YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING
DOWN.
OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now.The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the
dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital
and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share
his apartment with him. It's really a basement room,but it's kind of cute.
He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the
exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know
you will welcome the baby and give it the love,devotion and tender care you gave me when I was achild.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us
from passing our pre-marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up
with the penicillin injections I am having daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open
arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and
religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the
fact that his skin color is somewhat different than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do.
His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village
from which he came.Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in thehospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not
have syphilis and there is no man in my life.
However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the
proper perspective.
Yours,
Your Loving Daughter.
At a new shopping complex, by coincidence there were 3 tailors' shops next to each other. By an even greater coincidence, all three tailors were called Goldberg.
The first tailor hung a sign outside his shop which read: Goldberg - Tailor of Distinction.
The second had a bigger sign: Goldberg - Fine Gentlemen's Tailor.
The third had quite a small sign. It said: Goldberg Tailors. Main Entrance.
