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     Humour page of
  vegevore

William J. S. Livingstone, B.Sc., M.Math    vegevore@yahoo.com

Humour: (Last updated: 06 Feb. 2002)

(OK, you've seen most of these before but I've included my responses.)

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
- And right ones always are?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
- Does that make us all right side up even when we are drunk?
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
- Thief.
Does killing time damage eternity?
- Not forever.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
- Haven't you ever seen his big knife?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
- It was invented by the same guy (at 3M) that came up with Post-Its.
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
- It's a theatrical expression.
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
- This type of clock was invented AFTER the invention of the zero.
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
- So you don't scare the neighbors.
Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
- The driveway is the lane that takes you to the back of your house where the garage often was in denser cities but many would park beside their house if the lane wasn't shared. And have you ever seen the Don Valley Parkway at rush hour?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
- You don't normally taste dishwashing liquid and if you did you would wish that it was artificial too.
Are part-time band leaders semiconductors?
- And do they live their lives in the conduction band?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
- Only if it's a cheesey one.
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
- In a vault with a time-lock.
Do pilots take crash-courses?
- We hope that they study for longer than that [sorry, this was written before Sept. 11].
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
- A quarter of what??
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
- Of course not: they are underneath (that would be like sitting on your umbrella in the rain).
How can there be self-help "groups"?
- Really big bootstraps. (You know: they pull themselves up by their ...)
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
- Parachutes (unless you get the no-frills ticket).
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
- You don't. (Nothing is nothing: if you had a symbol for it, it would be something. The Romans knew that; we've forgotten.)
How many weeks are there in a light year?
- They are called intermediate vector bosons and there are 4.
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
- Only if it has a boom-box.
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
- Only if they were infected from the air force.
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
- That is why she is popular: who would want to associate with an airhead?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
- They have to dive deeply too often.
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
- Frogs that have gone hoarse (and have lost their r's (ribbets)).
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
- I don't know: I'm a vegetarian.
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
- That's like the one about driving on a parkway and parking on a driveway.
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
- And they aren't running ON the ground: that's what they do when you hit them.
Why do they call it "chilli" if it's hot?
- For the same reason that the hot water tap is red when blue light is of higher energy.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, "when we are already there?
- No they're not: they're sitting in the stands about 200 feet from the ball game.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- And nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded.
Are there any unguided missiles?
- Yes.
Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed? (Thanks, Mike Dahl)
- Were you standing up when you heard this? Truthfully?
Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer?
- No: he was only bent on destruction, he didn't actually kill.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
- No: the reverse is not necessarily true.
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
- Not when it is done in private.
Do fish get thirsty?
- Only waterlogged.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- Only in YOUR infantasies...
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
- No they have too much space dust.
Do vampires get AIDS?
- Only if they have gum disease.
Do witches run spell checkers?
- Only whiches do.
Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?
- Of course, don't you?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
- And is it sea-through?
How come chocolate milk doesn't come from brown cows?
- Because it comes from white cows (conservation of brown-ness).
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
- The pen sticks to the paper.
How does it work out that these people always die in alphabetical order?
- The truth is out: they are all done in by elementary teachers who become serial killers.
How much milk is there in the Milky Way?
- The chocolate bar?
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
- A step.
If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
- Slices and dices your ideas.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
- Harvested Universal Mangable Alimentaries Nutrition (HUMAN).
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
- It just evolves into a new one.
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green, and a lemon called a yellow?
- Because they aren't round so they can't come to you when you call them.
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
- It would be too confusing with those who wear walkman's.
If humans have nightmares, what do horses have?
- Horses ride themselves.
If I save time, when do I get it back?
- It depends on where you put it: tech stocks are not doing too well these days.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- It's not love, it's just lust that it stays around (it lingers, eh?).
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
- It's bipolar: sticky side sticks to the pan, non-sticky side up.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- Only if they want to win the event.
If our knees were on the backs of our legs, what would chairs look like?
- I don't know, but you wouldn't need a table when you eat your dinner.
If the product says "Do not use if seal is broken", how are you supposed to open it and use it?
- Cut into the side of the container, stupid.
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
- What's a Smurf?
If you get into a taxi cab, and ask the driver to drive backwards to your destination, will the cab driver owe you money?
- No, you just pay in Canadian dollars.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
- No, it's a trick, he's just trying to burn you.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
- You shouldn't do that: he could have an occident.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Tied.
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
- You use electricity.
Is a sleeping bull a bull-dozer?
- You've been tipping cows again, haven't you!?
Is a small pig called a hamlet?
- And why is a big city called a hogtown?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
- No: in the evening you only use it to scare away the burglers.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
- They still taste good. It's like durian fruit that smells bad but tastes good.
Is that a flying saucer or a pie in the sky?
- It depends on the filling.
Now that Microsoft is so big, should it be called Macrosoft?
- Well..., it is pretty hard...
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
- They have a beef with that.
What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes?
- It's too late to say anything.
What is the speed of dark?
- The same as the speed of light only different.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
- It melts with embarassment.
When day breaks who fixes it?
- The dayktor.
When night falls who picks it up?
- It usually picks itself up.
Why do your feet smell and your nose runs?
- Flies taste with their feet (which makes a lot of sense).
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
- It is very, very smart.
Why don’t you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
- It's a conspiracy.
Why is a boxing ring square?
- Have you ever seen a boxer's finger?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
- Because he probably hisnt.
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- Because practice makes perfect and isn't that a good thing?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
- Because it is actually orange and who would want to fly in an orange.

William J. S. Livingstone, B.Sc., M.Math
My URL:http://www.oocities.org/vegevore/

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Humour page of vegevore

William J. S. Livingstone, B.Sc., M.Math vegevore@yahoo.com Humour: (Last updated: 06 Feb. 2002) (OK, you've seen most of these before but I've included my responses.) How come wrong numbers are never busy? - And right ones always are? Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"? - Does that make us all right side up even when we are drunk? Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip? - Thief. Does killing time damage eternity? - Not forever. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? - Haven't you ever seen his big knife? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? - It was invented by the same guy (at 3M) that came up with Post-Its. Why is it that night falls but day breaks? - It's a theatrical expression. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? - This type of clock was invented AFTER the invention of the zero. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? - So you don't scare the neighbors. Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? - The driveway is the lane that takes you to the back of your house where the garage often was in denser cities but many would park beside their house if the lane wasn't shared. And have you ever seen the Don Valley Parkway at rush hour? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? - You don't normally taste dishwashing liquid and if you did you would wish that it was artificial too. Are part-time band leaders semiconductors? - And do they live their lives in the conduction band? Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop? - Only if it's a cheesey one. Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it? - In a vault with a time-lock. Do pilots take crash-courses? - We hope that they study for longer than that [sorry, this was written before Sept. 11]. Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? - A quarter of what?? Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool? - Of course not: they are underneath (that would be like sitting on your umbrella in the rain). How can there be self-help "groups"? - Really big bootstraps. (You know: they pull themselves up by their ...) How do you get off a non-stop flight? - Parachutes (unless you get the no-frills ticket). How do you write zero in Roman numerals? - You don't. (Nothing is nothing: if you had a symbol for it, it would be something. The Romans knew that; we've forgotten.) How many weeks are there in a light year? - They are called intermediate vector bosons and there are 4. If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman? - Only if it has a boom-box. If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe? - Only if they were infected from the air force. If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends? - That is why she is popular: who would want to associate with an airhead? If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do? - They have to dive deeply too often. If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of? - Frogs that have gone hoarse (and have lost their r's (ribbets)). If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? - I don't know: I'm a vegetarian. If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? - That's like the one about driving on a parkway and parking on a driveway. Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? - And they aren't running ON the ground: that's what they do when you hit them. Why do they call it "chilli" if it's hot? - For the same reason that the hot water tap is red when blue light is of higher energy. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, "when we are already there? - No they're not: they're sitting in the stands about 200 feet from the ball game. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? - And nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded. Are there any unguided missiles? - Yes. Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed? (Thanks, Mike Dahl) - Were you standing up when you heard this? Truthfully? Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer? - No: he was only bent on destruction, he didn't actually kill. Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime? - No: the reverse is not necessarily true. Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped? - Not when it is done in private. Do fish get thirsty? - Only waterlogged. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? - Only in YOUR infantasies... Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers? - No they have too much space dust. Do vampires get AIDS? - Only if they have gum disease. Do witches run spell checkers? - Only whiches do. Does a man-eating shark eat women, too? - Of course, don't you? Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? - And is it sea-through? How come chocolate milk doesn't come from brown cows? - Because it comes from white cows (conservation of brown-ness). How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink? - The pen sticks to the paper. How does it work out that these people always die in alphabetical order? - The truth is out: they are all done in by elementary teachers who become serial killers. How much milk is there in the Milky Way? - The chocolate bar? If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk? - A step. If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do? - Slices and dices your ideas. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? - Harvested Universal Mangable Alimentaries Nutrition (HUMAN). If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? - It just evolves into a new one. If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green, and a lemon called a yellow? - Because they aren't round so they can't come to you when you call them. If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? - It would be too confusing with those who wear walkman's. If humans have nightmares, what do horses have? - Horses ride themselves. If I save time, when do I get it back? - It depends on where you put it: tech stocks are not doing too well these days. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? - It's not love, it's just lust that it stays around (it lingers, eh?). If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? - It's bipolar: sticky side sticks to the pan, non-sticky side up. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? - Only if they want to win the event. If our knees were on the backs of our legs, what would chairs look like? - I don't know, but you wouldn't need a table when you eat your dinner. If the product says "Do not use if seal is broken", how are you supposed to open it and use it? - Cut into the side of the container, stupid. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? - What's a Smurf? If you get into a taxi cab, and ask the driver to drive backwards to your destination, will the cab driver owe you money? - No, you just pay in Canadian dollars. If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? - No, it's a trick, he's just trying to burn you. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? - You shouldn't do that: he could have an occident. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? - Tied. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? - You use electricity. Is a sleeping bull a bull-dozer? - You've been tipping cows again, haven't you!? Is a small pig called a hamlet? - And why is a big city called a hogtown? Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? - No: in the evening you only use it to scare away the burglers. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? - They still taste good. It's like durian fruit that smells bad but tastes good. Is that a flying saucer or a pie in the sky? - It depends on the filling. Now that Microsoft is so big, should it be called Macrosoft? - Well..., it is pretty hard... Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? - They have a beef with that. What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes? - It's too late to say anything. What is the speed of dark? - The same as the speed of light only different. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? - It melts with embarassment. When day breaks who fixes it? - The dayktor. When night falls who picks it up? - It usually picks itself up. Why do your feet smell and your nose runs? - Flies taste with their feet (which makes a lot of sense). Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? - It is very, very smart. Why don’t you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? - It's a conspiracy. Why is a boxing ring square? - Have you ever seen a boxer's finger? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? - Because he probably hisnt. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? - Because practice makes perfect and isn't that a good thing? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? - Because it is actually orange and who would want to fly in an orange.