IF YOU'RE PLANNING TO MAKE A SCARY MOVIE, THERE ARE A FEW
THINGS THAT WILL HAVE TO HAPPEN. IT'S THE LAW...
- If there's a homicidal, axe-weilding maniac (HAWM) on the loose, a bunch
of dappy kids have to go and look for him instead of getting the hell outta
there like any sensible people.
- Not only do they go looking for the HAWM, they have to split up to do so.
Obviously the phrase "safety in numbers" doesn't mean anything to them.
- People in horror films only run down dimly-lit alleys which finish in dead
ends. Well-lit main roads are a definite no-no.
- There should always be a bad storm that causes a power cut. Like, when
was the last time your electricity lines went down because of a little
bit of rain?
- Whenever the victim's being chased through a dark house, they never
think to exit via the front door. And why should they when they can
lead the murderer down to the cellar instead?
- The phone lines get cut. Five words for the heroine: get yourself a
mobile, love.
- The heroine's boyfriend is always the prime suspect, but he's rarely
the killer. In fact, he'll often end up suffering a gory, bloody death.
- You're the heroine's best friend? Consider yourself dead too.
- The killer is never as dead as you think. He might have been stabbed
a thousand times and boiled in a vat of acid, but you can bet your life that,
somehow, he'll manage to spring to life with a sudden jerky movement
and a murderous glint in his eye.
- The heroine will then see off the killer because the heroine always
has to kill the murderer. If anybody else tries, they have to mess it up
big-time so she can get all the glory.
- Even though the HAWM has met a nasty end, you just know there's going to be
sequel. Yeah, the main characters in the film might well have been
slaughtered and dismembered, but, hey, someone, somewhere will find a way
to get round it for the money-spinning part two.
