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He was the type that made your stomach jump into your throat the moment you saw him, whether you knew him or not. His attitude made you want him. His long sun-kissed locks flowed carelessly off his shoulders, framing sharp cheekbones & piercing dark eyes. The first time I saw him, I wanted to conquer him. It wasn't an avaerage "want". He went beyond that. He had a look about him that would instantly make you form an opinion of him. In a word, he was absolutely gorgeous.
I had known him while mortal, but never crossed paths with him. He was as beautiful then, as I thought he was now. He met in an odd way. After I had been a vampire for awhile, I had a friend that was his friend as well. We all were going to meet and go out. Well, he came to my place looking for her, and I had not seen her yet, so we went looking for her together that night.
It started at a local bar, getting loaded, carelessly, on alcohol. Which of course, was not such a terrible thing. *L* Then, we left and somehow ended up at a school playground. We sat for hours in the dark, talking, sharing. It was so amazing. He was the perfect soul. I could not believe how wonderful he was. It did not seem real. I felt like a child within his presence. We gazed at the full moon, comparing notes. The entire night the sexual tension built to an explosive level. So close but not touching..feeling his breath on my neck. I was dying! His honey-colored locks spilled into his eyes while he talked to me. Every moment I spent with him I fell in love, over & over. He was so charismatic.
Time passed & our relationship had grown. We had done everything together and built a wonderful trust between us. We often fed together, acting out role-playing games sometimes to amuse ourselves. We were so connected. I was very happy & contented with the way things were. He seemed to be, or so I thought. We would spend a lot of time together, but did not let it get sexual. Before I knew it, Rand would take off, disappearing, to resurface miles away from me..and involved with someone else. And as it became a habit, I saw it only as a refuge he seemed to escape to instead of staying with me. It hurt me repeatedly, but what was I to do, I loved him so. I pretended it never hurt. I never let him know how he ripped my heart out repeatedly. I kept it a secret from him.
Years would pass between our visits or talks. I would slip into deep thoughts of him at obscure moments. I missed him more often than not during the course of my life. I always felt him when he was close. I would know beforehand when I would see or hear from him. I would dream about him often. I couldn't remember the last time we talked, it had been far too long. I felt I was due to hear from him because I had dreamed of him recently. So I waited.
Evening had come, and I was fluttering about my house in a panic to go out. I was running behind schedule as usual. The front door was open, while I scurried about. I had managed to throw on a tight leather skirt, silver top & pewter platorms. I felt I looked great! I threw back my glass of red, wiping my mouth, when all of a sudden, I saw a beautiful frame take shape outside my door. One I felt I would not ever see again. It was Rand, knocking on my door! I shook..I was so nervous. He looked absolutely fabulous. His hair was still long, his cheekbones & eyes...everything about him was the way I remembered. All I could feel was an extreme rush of refreshness. It was wonderful to see him!
He sat down for awhile, sharing another bottle of red with me. We talked, caught up a bit. I still could not get over seeing him. I was breathless most of the night. He was most special to me. I felt he should know, I told him. He was taken back..with a strange & confused look on his face. I assumed it had surprised him. He wanted to go, he was feeling extreme guilty. I could not understand his feelings. I was reading his thoughts & he felt he had betrayed someone he loved...was it me?
I felt it in my bones that he had finally made his choice. Therefore, I felt it was over & could move on. Just as I began a new facet of life, who re-appeared once again. I heard he was curious to see me after all the years that had passed. I arrogantly thought he might have missed me some. But I do not know what his reasons for coming to see me this time truly were. He sought me out, came to me, and left me again alone in the dark. And everytime it happens, it feels like its the last time, every time. He remarked on how great I looked, which I already knew. *smug grin* But he began telling me how happy he was, and that this was really working for him. I couldn't understand why he felt he had to tell me that. If he wasn't in my life I had taught myself not to care. Why was he doing this to me? Why did he think I wanted to know about his happiness which another woman? I couldn't stand it, and tearing began to build. It quickly turned to anger, for I was not about to let him see me get weak over him. I didn't want him to know how much I still loved him. I did without any hestitation, but this was killing me inside. Why could he never find that happiness with me? Why was I nothing more than just a great companion, but never the one true love? He had no answers, for I never asked those questions. I could not bring myself to admit how much I deeply loved him and always will. Instead, I forced a grin, and replied how glad it made me to hear he was happy. And goddamn I should have got an oscar, because it was the most painful performance in my vampire history. He walked away, yet again...still not knowing my undying love for him still remained.
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