[00:00] Overture

{Yo-ahhhhhh!} [x6]

{Yo-ahhhhhh!} [x2]

{Yo-ahhhhhh!} [x4]

[03:44] Scene 1: Brendan's house, Springvale, Melbourne

Brendan's Dad
Brendan! Turn it up, will ya? Kerry O'Brien's got ***th on.

Brendan
Oh Dad, can't we watch "Third Rock From The - "

Brendan's Dad
Turn it up!

Brendan
Jesus...

[FX: the theme from "The 7:30 Report" is heard]

Kerry O'Brien (from TV)
Mr ***th, if what you say is true, does it not directly contradict your statement of yesterday?

Pe*** ***th (from TV)
Ah, Kerry, circumstances change. The government's adopting a flexible policy. Given the parameters of the figures, our opponents would agree with me that our actions are appropriate.

Brendan
Oh, Dad, can't we turn it over?

Brendan's Dad
Brendan, shut it!... Christ I hate this ***th guy.

Pe*** ***th (from TV)
Within the constraints of our legitimate concerns, fifty-eight percent's not a bad return. It's better than our opponents managed in their ten years in government. Thirty seven thousand million dollars have been generated - the worker, the 'battler', is the person who benefits. People should listen: even teenagers benefit... even little fifteen year old boys should listen... even if they're bored on a Friday night watching "The 7:30 Report"... even you, Brendan...

[FX: thunderclap]

Pe*** ***th (now speaking directly to Brendan)
Are you listening, Brendan? I'm coming for you, Brendan... I'm *coming* for you...

[maniacal laughter]

Come, my devils, come... sing, my evil choir... tell this heinous boy who I am...

[laughter]

Evil Choir
We thought tax scams were devious
We thought free beer was cheap
We thought Nine's news egregious
We thought it's sheep that bleat

We thought that schoolyard bullies all
Get smacked right in the teeth
We thought on talkback minds were small
Then we met Pe*** ***th

***th, ***th, Pe*** ***th,
***th, ***th, Pe*** ***th,
***th, ***th, Pe*** ***th,
***th, ***th, Pe*** ***th,

We thought snide, supercilious
Salesmen knocked at your door
We thought it made us bilious
To cast blame on the poor

We thought being a bovver boy was
Mike Munro's set piece
Root canal work would annoy
Then we met Pe*** ***th

***th, ***th, Pe*** ***th,
***th, ***th, Pe*** ***th,
***th, ***th, Pe*** ***th,
***th, ***th, Pe*** ***th,

We thought that oil could be slick
We thought Satan was chief
We thought that we were vicious pricks
Then we met Pe*** ***th

Pe*** ***th
I thought Kim Beazley's arse was toast
I thought the unions yellow
I don't know who I hate the most:
Peter; or Tim, Costello

I thought that both of them should be
Zapped with electric shock
I thought "I'm just one big softie;"
Then I saw Brendan's cock

Evil Choir
Soft, soft, Brendan's cock
Soft, soft, Brendan's cock
Soft, soft, Brendan's cock
Soft, soft, Brendan's cock

Pe*** ***th
What light in yonder window breaks?
It is Stephanie, aloft
But Brendan ain't got what it takes:
Hmm, let me quote the Bard: he's... soft

I thought Neil Blewitt's, the one bent
I thought Dubai a bungle
I thought we'd solved unemployment
Then I saw Brendan's mongrel

Evil Choir
Soft, soft, Brendan's cock
Soft, soft, Brendan's cock
Soft, soft, Brendan's cock
Soft, soft, Brendan's cock

Brendan
Why do you torment me so?

Pe*** ***th
Look at yourself - sitting there watching "The 7:30 Report" with your dad. That's fucking pathetic, man!

Brendan
But I didn't want to watch it!

Pe*** ***th
Oh-ho-ho yes, "Third Rock From The Sun", that's what you wanted. "Third Rock From The Fucking Sun" - what next? You gonna really go wild and watch "Burke's Backyard"? Oh, fuck me, man, that's RAD. That's SICK, that's MAD!

Brendan
But-

Pe*** ***th
"The Nanny"? You can watch "The Nanny"! You should mate, cos you need one!

Brendan
In the middle of the Gibson the spinifex is sparse
You're standing in the buttcrack of Satan's lonely arse
(There's zero life on Venus and on Mars it's pretty shite)
But for true desolation, try my place on Friday night

(Wall to wall, wall to wall)
(Wall to wall fuck all)

You can only play Nintendo for a few days in a row
Before you start to wonder where the non-virtual people go
(There's parties and there's discos, there's wickedness and sin)
What's happening at my place - now they wouldn't let me in:

(Wall to wall, wall to wall)
(Wall to wall fuck all)

(My dad, he's watching telly, my mum, she's washing up)
(I told them both it's stereotyped, they told me to shut up)
It's seven thirty-eight precisely - oh, it's just gone thirty-nine
Soon it'll be seven forty, you know what happens at that time...

(Wall to wall, wall to wall)
(Wall to wall fuck all)

Pe*** ***th
I can help you, Brendan! I will send you one who will show you how to get out of this hell. They call him: "2Pot Screama".

Brendan
When do I meet this 2Pot Screama?

Pe*** ***th
He... will... be... sent...

[laughter, fades - Brendan's vision ends]

Pe*** ***th (on TV)
As I was saying, Kerry - and I wish you'd listen to me - when the figures are seasonally adjusted it shows conclusively that in terms of performance based contracts there is little or no evidence that what the Opposition is saying is correct; indeed even our opponents would conclude that...

Brendan's Dad
Brendan... Brendan! Wake up, kid, turn this crap over will ya? I wanna watch "Burke's Backyard".

Brendan
What?

Brendan's Dad (to himself)
Oh... world of his own. Channel Nine... I'm sick of Pe*** ***th, he's full of it. (to Brendan) Son, I don't want you ever believing anything that man tells you.

Brendan
No, dad.

[ Scene 1 | Scene 2 | Scene 3 | Scene 4 | Scene 5 ]

1.