See Part One for Disclaimers
Part Five
Passepartout, crawling on the floor, reached the table at last. He knocked into one of the legs, but nothing happened. After a moment, he was able to struggle around, and braced his feet against a table leg. He pushed as hard as he could. The table rocked slightly, but that was all.
"It is too heavy," he gasped. "We are both needing to do this."
Jules rolled across the floor to the table. He twisted around, and waited, his feet resting against the table leg. A sudden thought struck him. "Passepartout, what if the table should land on one of these ladies? They might be hurt."
"Master Jules," the valet answered patiently, "these ladies are being the Evil Twins. They are abducturating you and me and the Master for their own very evil purposes. They are NOT nice ladies."
Jules frowned. "So.... we shouldn't care if the table lands on them?"
Passepartout hesitated, trying to think of an answer that would satisfy his innocent companion. "Master Jules, if the table is landing on one of these ladies, she cannot be chasing us for a while."
Jules blinked. "Oh! Good point."
They counted to three and -- PUSHED.
The table fell over with a crash.
"Do you think she heard?" asked Jules, scrambling around the table.
Passepartout squirmed around on his side. "I am hoping the Master can be keeping her too distracted to be noticing."
The valet smiled suddenly. "Ah! My little Rubber Ducky! Here she is! Passepartout was wondering where she was getting to! She was hiding on the table! Now I can be sending a signal to the Ladies so they can be finding us!" He laid his head on the Ducky and began bouncing his head against it, qvacking it for all he was worth.
Jules nodded, "Good idea, Passepartout!" He cried. He continued looking over the items which had fallen from the table. "Look! Scissors! We can cut the yarn with them." He twisted around, and picked up the scissors. "You tell me where to cut," he said, and Passepartout, now finished sending out his Qvack-Signal, obediently warned him whenever the "pointy-ends" were too close to something delicate.
Back in the rubble-strewn 100th floor office of the villainous Count Gregory, a shadow loomed over the beleaguered Ground Crew. The Love-Child's micro-whip and boots had caused untold damage to the very expensive furniture and electronic equipment in the room, but so far, the Valkyries remained unscathed. The VCR was stuck on the image of The Love Child's parent program, Black Scorpion. The grossly magnified image of BS was caught on every wall, in mid-flip, with her posterior cleavage exposed, while the announcers voice was stuck on the words "But Justice -- but justice -- but justice --" Every few seconds, the floor shook, as the building itself reeled as though from a massive blow.
Now, cornered, the Valkyries stared defiantly up at the Ratings Monster, shouting "Butt Justice for Butt Scorpion!" The Love-Child uttered a scream of fury, and leapt toward them, crossing half the room in a single bound.
"Don't you DARE talk about my momma!" She shrieked, waving her micro-whip wildly in the air.
Suddenly, something came crashing through the front windows.
The Valkyries gave a cheer as Stainless Steely Joe, now grown to nearly 60 feet in height (via some incredibly clever technological gadget, whipped up at the last minute by those amazing geniuses in The Grey Cabal), climbed into the shattered room, puffing smoke at his opponent.
He was an awe inspiring sight, in his shiny 10,000 gallon hat, as he drew down on the Ratings Monster, and fired a warning barrage of TV-sized slugs into the wall beside her head.
The Valkyries watched, breathless, as the Love-Child swung around, her vapid eyes lighting with savage glee at the sight of her giant silver foe and his gleaming guns. They gasped in amazement at her words.
"At last! A REAL MAN!!!!!" She leapt into the air and ran to Steely Joe, the walls shaking with each step. Steely Joe grabbed her in his silvery embrace and.....
["Okay, who gave him a tongue?" asked Davodd.]
The Valkyries were amazed. "I don't believe it...." -- "No way." -- "Gee, get a room, guys...." -- "Amazing." -- "Oooo, how kinky!" Everybody looked at the last speaker. Spacecase, overcome by her Evil Twin side, smiled, blushed, and ran outside. Gaelle shook her head. "Just let her go."
Steely Joe and his new bride-to-be left the building together, and walked away into the sunset, looking for a disco where he could show off his smooth dance moves and she could get a job befitting her IQ and costume....
["Please," Davodd breathed to the cameraman accompanying the Valkyries. "Please tell me you got all that!" A simple thumbs up was his response. "Yes!"]
[Davodd, continuing his commentary in the 90th floor lobby, on his way up to the Evil Villain's Lair: "Well, apparently, The Love-Child of Black Scorpion remained a cliche to the very end. All she really needed for fulfillment was the Love of a Good Man. Hold on, while I talk with these eye-witnesses, the Evil Lovely Angel Yuri and Evil Spacecase. Ladies, What is your take on this remarkable, romantic development?"
"Well, at least now he's got someone to stoke his fire." Snickered the Evil Lovely Angel Yuri, smoothing her blue hair and smirking into the camera.
"Yeah, you said it, all she needed was a Good Man -- With a Big Gun." Quipped Evil Spacecase.
"I can just hear those crazy techno-geezers now!" LA Yuri howled. "We have the technology.... We can make him better than he was before...."
"Faster, Stronger.... Bigger!" Cried Evil Spacecase.
"And more Stud-ly!" They finished in chorus. The two Evil Twins cackled madly, and ran into the Express Elevator, heading down.
Davodd, looking a little green, turned back to the camera, "And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen."]
The assorted members of the TGC stared into the view screen in shock. "Did -- did we EXPECT that?" asked one, and the rest shook their heads.
VicciV sank back in her chair. "I don't believe it," She whispered faintly. "To think I crawled out of my sickbed to witness this...."
Aleana just stood there. "I thought he'd just -- shoot her...."
Ephian smiled, and wiped a tear from her eye. "That is the sweetest thing I ever saw."
Count Gregory let out a roar of rage, as his 'perfect woman' abandoned him without even a backward glance. "No! No! You cannot abandon me, my gigantic dumpling!" He let out a howl of despair. "I just got a fresh supply of long-life rechargeable batteries!"
The Victorian Valkyries turned to him in triumph. "You see, Count Gregory," shouted General Gaelle, "we've won! It's over! Now turn over the remaining hostages and come with us. We promise you will be well treated."
Smoke began to pour out of the dais again, as the heart-broken Count roared, "Women! I hate women! I have had enough of this!"
He pulled out a cell phone and yelled "I QUIT!" into the receiver. With a deafening roar, his platform took off into the air, smoke and flames belching from the underside. The Valkyries dashed for cover, as the Evil Villain took to the air, and rocketed away.
"Bye, bye, girls!" He shouted, "I'm off to bigger and better things!" As he sailed off into the sky he yelled, "I'll be ba-ack....."
The Rubber Ducky took off in hectic flight after the retreating villain, but his rocket power proved to be too much for the Ducky's fan power to overcome, and they were forced to abandon the pursuit.
Just as Jules and Passepartout had finished cutting through all the yarn, the door flew open and Rebecca came into the Aurora, followed by a crowd of Valkyries. They halted at the sight of the Evil Twins, passed out on the floor, and then Rebecca stepped forward and helped Jules and Passepartout to their feet.
"Well done!" she exclaimed, "But where is Phileas?"
"Oh, Miss Rebecca," Passepartout began, but Jules interrupted him.
"We didn't do this, Rebecca. Evil Isharell drugged the wine."
Rebecca cocked an eyebrow. "Well, that was clever. But where --"
Passepartout, nearly jumping up and down in distress, interrupted her. "She is taking the Master away for to have her evil way with him!"
"'To have her evil --'" Rebecca stopped and her eyes grew wide. "Where --" she began, but Passepartout and Jules were already running to the bedroom door. "Oh, dear," she murmured, and hastily followed.
Passepartout snatched up a bucket of water as he ran.
They flung open the bedroom door and Passepartout threw the contents of the bucket onto the two figures on the bed.
Evil Isharell sat up and let out a feline screech as the cold water soaked through her clothes.
Phileas, tied up in shocking pink yarn, with his cravat long gone and his shirt pulled fully open (revealing his gloriously fine hairy chest) turned to the door, "Well, it's about time, dammit!" he exclaimed. "For God's sake, get this madwoman off me!" His horrified gaze met Rebecca's and he flushed deeply.
Poor Danaan screamed upon sight of this, the Ultimate Phileas CHM, and dashed out the door, in desperate and frantic search for a camera. Several of the Valkyries fanned themselves, and cast envious looks at the unhappy Evil Twin.
"NO!" Shrieked the Evil Twin, clinging to her Treasure, "He's MINE! I haven't even finished UNWRAPPING him yet!"
It took four Valkyries to pull her off of Phileas.
After the precipitous departure of Count Gregory, the puzzled Valkyries looked at one another. "Who was he talking to on that phone?" Evenstarr7 Wondered.
Their radio crackled suddenly, "We've traced that call, there is another room on that floor!" Cried Tamarae.
The Valkyries looked around the shattered room. Suddenly, one shouted, "Over there!" They all hurried over, and found the last door, cleverly disguised as a TV screen. The door slid to one side, taking the gigantic image of Black Scorpion's assets with it.
They walked into the room, which was bisected by a huge decorative railing, which reached from floor to ceiling. The ornate railing was made of iron, with gold and platinum plating. There were words worked into the ornate decoration. BIG MAN, THE HEAD HONCHO, NUMERO UNO, and other similar phrases were picked out in gold leaf. Near the center of the room, the entrance, closed and locked, of course, spelled out the word, BOSS, in gold, with many twinkly diamonds.
"Gee," muttered Ish, watching through the view screen, "Arnold Rimmer would've loved an office like this...."
Near the center of the room sat a huge desk, with a single large chair behind it. The back of the chair faced the doors. Slowly, the chair turned to face them.
The Evil Leader of the Sci-Fi Channel sat in the expensive leather chair, wearing sunglasses and clutching a cell-phone in one hand. He looked up at the Valkyries.
The brave and intrepid Valkyries stopped. They stared in numb horror and amazement at the vision before them. The Evil Leader of Sci-Fi was none other than.... Sir Jonathan Chatsworth, Head of the British Secret Service -- Rebecca's superior!
"Security!" He yelled, in his slimy voice. He waited, then called again, more impatiently this time. "Security! Get in here!" He yanked off his sunglasses and pounded them on the desk, glaring at his visitors. "How did you get in here? Where are my Security Guards?"
Fuming, he began punching buttons on his desk phone, yelling for Bambi, his absent secretary, who was lying tied up in the outermost room with all the milk-soaked leather-clad goons, seriously regretting not keeping her previous job with the Sanitation Department, but enjoying the opportunity to make new friends. She had three dates lined up already, and was rather smugly toying with two other offers.
Now he shouted into his cell-phone, "Gregory! Where have you gone? If you're off on another shopping jaunt with that animatronic bimbo of yours, I'll -- I don't have time for more of your twisted little games!" He shook the phone, petulantly. "Damn this static! I can never hear anything!"
Captain Lorrellai stepped forward. "Sorry, Sir Jonathan, but security is a little bit tied up just now. Count Gregory took off on a rocket, and the Love Child has found.... True Love."
"Took off -- he took off?" Sir Jonathan yelled in fury. He pulled out his wallet and uttered a howl of rage. "I know where! He's gone off to that New Gadget Expo, looking for Spare Parts -- with MY Credit Card!" He began to curse.
Zhaansacolyte clucked her tongue at him. "Temper, temper," she chided gently. "Watch your language, sir! There are LADIES present."
Sir Jonathan stopped in mid-curse, and stared at them all. "Ladies? Ladies? You are not Ladies! Ladies scream and jump on chairs when little mice run by. Ladies don't wear leather cat-suits and climb ladders made from their underwear. Ladies DIE when shot at a target while tied to a rocket!"
"Ladies," snarled Faeling, through clenched teeth, "Do just what they want to do." She looked around at her companions. "Isn't that right?"
"RIGHT!" All the Valkyries shouted, and glared at the Evil Leader of the Sci-Fi Channel.
"Now, turn over the remaining hostages, and come peaceably -- or we'll have to come and get you!"
"Never!" He snarled, foam dripping from his mouth. "You will never get through my magnificent iron railing! I had it made especially to withstand attacking fans!"
"Oh, yeah?" Smiled Captain Lorrellai. She turned to The Luggage. "Knock, knock, Snappy." The Luggage ran at the bars on its many little legs and burst through, sending the heavy metal bars flying. It stopped right in front of Sir Jonathan's desk, and waited, glaring at the evil little man with an angry keyhole. Sir J. stared at The Luggage, in total shock. "Don't make it mad," Lorrellai advised him, "I think it's hungry." The Luggage opened its lid, and showed the evil Chatsworth its gleaming teeth. The petty little bureaucrat seemed to shrink back into his chair.
Davodd walked in, microphone in hand. "Okay, guys," he said to the TV crew, "set up right here." He stopped for a second, staring at Sir Jonathan in shock.
As the camera crew began setting up the equipment, Davodd walked over to General Gaelle. "Him? He's the baddie?"
"Apparently."
"But what about Count Gregory?"
"He took off on a rocket. Evidently, he was just a red herring."
He shook his head in amazement. "Incredible. But what a scoop! Um, is it okay if I film the dramatic conclusion of this heroic battle?" he asked belatedly. "The rest of the TGC can radio in questions, and we can get this cleared up in no time." General Gaelle shrugged.
"Fine by me," she said.
"Have you found the remaining hostages yet?" Davodd asked in a low whisper. The Valkyrie shook her head.
"Not yet."
The Evil Villain had been sitting quietly in his chair during this exchange. Now he spoke. "Aren't you going to ask ME if I object to your presence?" he asked coldly.
Davodd looked at him. "No."
Sir Jonathan Chatsworth blinked at him in absolute surprise. He sat quite still, in his shattered office, abandoned by his guards, ignored by his receptionist, surrounded by his mortal enemies, and being threatened by an animate and irritable piece of luggage. It did not look like being a good day for him..
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