Two friends, Artsy and Fartsy, are on the lam. What are they running from? Higher prices. So they hurry into The Dollar Tree in the mall, where they are overcome with bargains. They swoon so much from the joyous intoxication of 99 cent insoles and 17-for-a-dollar bags of Q-tips that they actually pass out! Sadly, they pass out in their saving-money stupor behind a 20-foot-tall display of packs of 3-million-for-a-dollar thumbtacks. They are hidden and no one finds them as the employees close the store! They stay there for hours and when the resourceful shoppers awake, the mall and the store are CLOSED!

Artsy and Fartsy discover they are locked in!!! What to do?!?

They first begin fighting, Fartsy screaming "Damnit, I said we should just go to Wal-Mart!!"

Artsy retorted, "Look Fartsy, I am not the ONLY one who swooned so much from low prices that I passed out and got locked in!"

They began to eye each other hungrily, even more abhorrent because they had only been to Burger King 6 hours ago. But then they decide to prowl through the store for nourishment, deicding no one loves a one dollar cannibal.

"Look Fartsy, Canned Goods!"

Fartsy said, "I don't care if they are 99 cents. My God, look at their dates... they are from the Ford Administration!!"

Artsy agrees that no one wants 20 year old creamed corn, even if it IS only a dollar, so they go to another aisle. Their mutual coupon-clipping selves begin to drool when they find the dollar cookbooks! Even the one by David Letterman's Mom! They decide they MUST immediately try to make her recipe for Pumpkin Bread!

"Oh, come on, Fartsy, we don't have dollar groceries and appliances in here."

Fartsy replies with a gleam in the eye, "Yes... but they do next door in that appliance store! Quick, we will break through the wall with these one dollar egg beaters!!"

After a futile two hours of attempting to scramble their way to the store next door, the smart shoppers give up.

Artsy begins to look longingly at the icky cookies that are 400,000 for a dollar, in packages from 1974. Fartsy goes ballistic!

"No, Artsy, you know that only GRANDMAS buy those cookies! Get a hold of your self!"

Artsy gratefully replies, "Oh dear, you are right. We aren't so desperate as to eat icky cookies!"

The shoppers finally come up on the idea that there could be a computer in the back office! So they run back and hook up to AOL! (The fact that they don't just use the phone to call for help instead shows two things: #1, They are AOL addicts who forget phones are also used to talk to people. #2, Smart shoppers maybe, but Artsy and Fartsy are DUMB as rocks!)

They decide, "Hey, we will go into Bookaccino and find someone that knows how to look up a book of how to make pumpkin bread only using things found in the Dollar tree!! (As opposed to asking someone to rescue them. We warned you folks, these two are not the brightest bulbs on the neon sign. Or something.)

In the Bookaccino Room they tell their plight and location, then sign off waiting for help of how to make the pumpkin bread from the one dollar Dave's Mom cookbook as some friendly 'Ccino people have offered to fax the info to them.

But something sinister is afoot.

The 'Ccino people say, "Ha! We won't be faxing them how to make pumpkin bread with one dollar utensils! We are going to to go there... NOW!

Artsy and Fartsy think they are awaiting pumpkin bread info, but the 'Ccino people are gathering for their hideous plan. Under the guise of "helping", the 'Ccino people are all GOING to the mall and the Dollar Tree that Artsy and Fartsy are stuck in!

As Artsy and Fartsy wait futilely by the fax machine, resting on some one dollar throw pillows, they hear a commotion. It's people breaking in; they are saved! Now, they can make pumpkin bread! But the line of a dozen 'Ccino-ers stands in their way...

"Not so fast," the gauntlet ominously drones before blocking Artsy and Fartsy's escape to the outside world.

"What? Whaddaya want?! What?!? Just let us go!!!" Artsy and Fartsy plead... but then the horror begins...

"Oh no, kiddies, before we let you go..." Then the 'Ccinoers madly rush the one dollar books and start pelting Artsy and Fartsy with the cheap books as they scream maniacally, "Hey, did you read this one? What did you think of it? This one? THIS ONE?! WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?!? CAN YOU RECOMMEND IT?!?!? Is there a review in the book story of it?!?!? TELL US!!! NOW!!! What are you reading?!? What were you reading while you were locked in here? THIS ONE?!? THIS ONE?!?!?"

Then a few of the mad 'Ccino-ers go to the computer in the back and try to look up all the dollar book titles on AOL, but unfortunately some leftover 'Ccino crazies still hold the shoppers hostage. "Tell us what you are reading and you can go!"

"But, but, we have been locked in a store, looking for how to make pumpkin bread! We aren't reading anything right now!"

"LIARS!" the 'Ccino-ers scream. "Tell us what you're reading and give us three recommendations, or you aren't going anywhere!!!"

The frightened shoppers desperately try to think of a way out as the rest of the 'Ccino-ers, angered by their unsuccessful AOL search for dollar book title reviews, make a line behind them, surrounding the terrified shoppers. Then, the usually stupid Fartsy comes up with a brilliant plan and whispers it to Artsy. They correctly conclude of the plan's brilliance.

Artsy screams, "I loved Cold Mountain!

Fartsy screams, "No, the ending sucked!"

Artsy screams, "Well, the ending of Hannibal is worse!"

The plan works brilliantly! Before you know it, what was a guerilla group of demanding readers is suddenly a seething mass of humanity, fighting and kicking and beating each other among a toppled pile of one dollar socks and 6-for-a-dollar place mats. The screams of "Cold Mountain was beautiful... No, it wasn't. You SUCK! Hannibal sucks worse!!! No, it doesn't. You're an idiot!!!" coming from the pile of readers deafens Artsy and Fartsy as they finally run to the door broken in by the 'Ccino people and escape! At last, freedom!

But then, across the mall, the dimwits make a mistake. There is a store that says Abercrombie and Fitch across the way. And seeing the big A&F, our now-freed Dollar Tree prisoners think the big A&F means the store is for them! All of a sudden, instead of making an escape, the dimwits, Artsy and Fartsy, start breaking in and declaring, "Look! All these khaki pants! All these overpriced shorts! All these posters of gay guys on the wall! All of these out-of-season $100 sweaters! IT'S ALL OURS! An A&F store!!!"

Finally,mall police are alerted of the hubbub and run to the A&F store to accost the mistaken pilferers of casualwear. As they are attempting to arrest Artsy and Fartsy, who psychotically claim to OWN the store, the policemen themselves are cold-cocked from behind and thrown to the ground!! They hear in their stupor, "Okay, Artsy, Fartsy, mall coppers... NONE of you are leaving! Until, that is....

"YOU TELL US WHAT YOU ARE READING!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!" The hideous laughter of the 'Ccinoers echoes eerily throughout the deserted mall...