Dear Diary,

Well here you'll find my rantings and my ravings and my tear filled confesions. I hope I don't offend but be warned these are the words of an emotional and VERY frustrated woman.

Dec. 25th-Well it's Christmas Day a day for rejoicing and being happy, but there's only one problem I don't feel to happy right now. I've spent have of it crying and the rest of it just kinda sitting there watching the world go by. All I wanted for Christmas was to be pregnant to be able to shout I AM GOING TO HAVE A BABY! And at this time of year for some reason it seems harder than all the rest. A baby was born today the savior of the world he was born in such humble settings, a manger of all places. Why oh why can't I have a Christmas miracle. I often wonder what it was that I did wrong why is God angry at me but then in a more rational state of mind I realize that I didn't do anything and God isn't angry at me it's just not "the" time. Let me tell you though, waiting for "the" time is/has/and will be that hardest thing I've ever gone through. I'm seeing a specialist she's sposed to get it yeah right she makes a lot of money to tell me well let's just wait. I've been given a deadline I have till March just 3 precious months after that oh well I'm so sorry isn't it a shame. I'm off of my heart meds, my hormone meds, my cholesterol meds, my you name it meds and that is beginning to endanger my health. My husband has set that deadline in conjunction with my doctors telling me I need to think of me first. How can I? TELL ME would you PLEASE! I just can't figure it out I'm 19 and I've been told with all of your healh problems you will be lucky to have 1 child. GEE THANKS I wanted to hear that and even then it's 9 long months of bedrest I have to give up my students and my income which just plain sucks! It's not fair I only work 5 hours a week and bring in $200 bucks a week okay I think that is pretty decent pay and I really really wanted to keep my students but NO if I get pregnant they go bye bye. Why is it such a game of sacrifice if you give this up this will happen. WHY do things always work like this? I know I'm ranting but it's Christmas day and there's not a baby in my arms or in my belly and I'm frustrated. Thanks for listening if you did read this far. Maybe someday soon my dream will come true many before have and many prayers I've said have been answered. PLEASE GOD LET IT BE SOON

Dec. 25th 1998

May 25th 1999- Alot has happenned since I last wrote in this journal. In January we tried a cycle of Clomid I didn't develop any follicles and had to take provera. In March we started again another cycle of Clomid at a higher dose thank god it worked I developed a follicle, my doctors assumed I would ovulate on my own and didn't give me the HCG shot. My period never came and I was praising God thinking oh thank you Lord this time it worked. Went in for a blood test and got the news, NEGATIVE. Just 11 days later my grandfather passed away. He had wanted to see his first great grandchild before he died....I failed. I failed him and I failed me. Life sucks some of the time. They took me in for an u/s to find out that the follicle had turned into a 2 inch cyst, you wanna talk about pain!!!!! So it was time for some more provera and onto the next cycle this time with the HCG shot. I developed 3 really good follicles and was dreaming of triplets or at least one. I got my HCG script got it filled, came home, and iced my leg down. My husband who's an EMT and Cop had to give me the shot I couldn't do it.....and let me tell you even with it being numb from the ice it HURT. I woke up the next morning to a bruised leg, but figured hey it would be worth it if I ended up pregnant. May 15th came and so did my period. No twins triplets or even one this time. I came to the conclusion that my poor body couldn't take this anymore. I had gained 70 pounds and was not the same person I once was. I was unhappy and angry at the world, and most definitely no fun to be around! *hehehe* So my husband and I did some talking and decided to start saving money for our next step injectibles. I will try and lose at least 50 of the pounds before we try again. (Side note: I've already lost 14 GO ME!!!) I'm not to thrilled about the idea of having black and blue thighs and having to get 2 injections a day, but it seems I have no choice. A friend got pregnant recently she'd been trying for 9 months and already had 3 kids and I got so angry at her. I know it wasn't fair or right but I couldn't help but think why in the HELL does she get to have a baby when she's already got 3 and all I want is 1. ONE DAMNIT DID YOU FREAKING HEAR ME ONE?! *deep breath* We worked things out and I realize it was childish to get angry with her but the resentment towards the "fertile myrtles" of the world is hard to keep down. Ask any woman who has to wake up with black and blue thighs and pay $4,000 bucks a month for a treatment that has "NO GUARANTEES". Too bad it's not like a shirt that doesn't fit you can take it back and get your money refunded, that would be awesome! *lol* Anyways this will now become my weight loss journal until probably August or September. I'll try and keep it more updated. Lotsa love to the world. =0)

May 25th, 1999

August 29th, 1999- Gosh I seem to always be running behind in updating this thing. In June I lost 14 more lbs. and in July I lost another 13 to bring my total up to 41 lbs. gone. I start back in treatment on August 1st. I started repronex injections 2 amps per day but only 1 shot so that my legs could have the night to heal. Day 9 went in for my first check I was disappointed didn't look like anything was going on got my E2 back and it was 237 HOLY COW I guess something is going on. Continued on 2 amps per day went back on day 13 and had 4 good sized follicles on the left and 3 on the right my E2 was 1114 WOOOHOOOOO GO ME......went back on day 14 E2 was 1654 and I had a total of 7 good follicles....PRAISE THE LORD.......I took my shot on day 15 and had my IUI on day 17 Matt's count was AWESOME at 38.2 million VERY motile swimmers. Things looked good I actually felt positive....about 10 days after my IUI though it got to the point where I couldn't walk....I went to the RE and found out I was hyperstimulating. I was put on bedrest had to measure my belly weigh myself blah blah blah. Only to wake up 2 yes count em 2 days later to my period. That's today I woke up today and cried my eyes out when I saw the witch had come to visit. I know that I've made great strides forward I ovulated had an IUI things looked great. But I still feel so defeated. I have to go see a new RE on Friday.....simply because things weren't working with Dr. Cedars and I. I had to demand the injectables I begged for progesterone support and didn't get it only to find out that I had a short luteal phase (11 days normal is 14). Her nurses aren't nurturing and I need someone who will sympathize not demean. I was feeling soooo unhappy....but for some reason an odd peace has settled over me. I often wonder if this peaceful feeling I get whenever I think I can't handle anymore is my grandfather giving me a bear hug from Heaven. I was always his precious I wouldn't doubt he's looking out for me. So now I wait we'll probably have to sit out a month to see what the new RE thinks and wants to do. If I don't like him I guess I'm kinda stuck with Dr. Cedars office but hey it's better than being stuck without one. So I guess I'm playing the field *lol* I'll let you know what happens on Friday!

August 29th 1999
It was found out 2 days after this post I had actually had a very early miscarriage due to my progesterone being low

November 21 1999- We finally found out on October 23rd that we are having A BABY.....we did a repronex/IUI cycle with our new RE and got pregnant on our FIRST TRY with him. We are so excited we can hardly stand it....We have made a page for our baby so you can click here to go see our baby! We'll keep you updated!!!!!

Shay and BABY due 6/28-6/30/00
November 21st 1999