Even More Stories

$200 Bucks It Is...


A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. 

" Hi, is Tony home?" 

" No, he went to the store." 

"Well, you mind if I wait?" 

" No, come in." 

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the
greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give
you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." 

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a
hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly
thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so
beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another
hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." 

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe,
and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws
another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait
any longer and leaves. 

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your
weird friend Chris came over. " 

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop
off the 200 bucks he owes me?" 

A Bank Deposit

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a fuckin' checking account" 

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" 

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking
account right now." 

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in
this bank!" 

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and
told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager
asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" 

"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million
in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in
this damn bank!" 

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a
hard time?" 

A Bug

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six
pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night,
as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to
the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there.  The bug 
grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then
left. 

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell
rang.  He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot
cockroach standing there.  The big bug punched him in the
stomach, then left. 

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang
again.  The same six-foot cockroach was standing there.  This
time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he
doubled over in pain.  Then the big bug left. 

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all.  The doorbell rang. 
The cockroach was standing there.  The bug beat the snot out of
Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor. 

The following day, Frank went to see his doctor.  He explained
events of the preceding four nights.  "What can I do?" he
pleaded.  "Not much" the doctor replied.  "There's just a nasty
bug going around." 

A Case for More Beer

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo,
and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good
for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of 
the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the
weakest members. 

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as 
the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all 
know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest
and weakest brain cells first. 

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. 

A Day in Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing
in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum  chum?
Guy:  What do you think?  I'm in hell.
Demon:  Hell's not so bad.  We actually have a lot of fun down 
here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy:  Sure,  I love to drink.  Love the drinks.
Demon:  Well you're gonna love Mondays then.  On  Mondays that's 
all we do is drink.  Whiskey,  tequila, 
Guinness,  wine coolers,  diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we 
throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy:  Gee that sounds great.

Demon:  You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!  Love the smoking.
Demon:  Alright!  You're gonna love Tuesdays.  We get the finest 
cigars from all over the world and smoke our
lungs out.  If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead 
remember?
Guy:  Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon:  I bet you like to gamble.
Guy:  Why  yes  as a matter of fact  I do.  Love the gambling.
Demon:  Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want.  Craps, 
Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... 
If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.

Demon:   You into drugs?
Guy:  Are you kidding?  Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon:  That's right!  Thursday is drug day.  Help yourself to a 
great big bowl of crack. or smack.  Smoke a doobie the size of a 
submarine. You can do all the drugs you want  and if ya overdose 
- that's right - you're
dead - who cares!  O.D.!!
Guy:  Yowza!  I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!

Demon: You gay?
Guy:  Uh  no.

Demon:  Ooooh  (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.

A Lawyer in the Family

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief 
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd
finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking 
forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the 
stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with 
an infant on her lap! 

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" 
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten 
married, and the baby would have my name!" 

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we 
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be 
better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." 

A Mime in a Zoo

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to 
earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to 
draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his 
office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most 
popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper 
fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the 
mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another 
one. The mime accepts. 

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters 
the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great 
job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and 
he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, 
eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging 
on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more 
attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to 
lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his 
cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the 
lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the 
crowd loves it. 

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a 
raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for 
some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow 
larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when 
he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime 
is terrified. 

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so 
scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the 
lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and 
yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The 
mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry 
lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us 
both fired?" 

An Escaped Convict

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple 
who had been sleeping in the bedroom.  As soon as he had a 
chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up 
on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,  "Honey, this 
guy hasn't seen a woman in years.  Just cooperate with anything 
he wants.  If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with 
it and pretend you like it.  Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved 
you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a 
really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"