Q What's the definition of a minor second?
A Two flutes in unison.

Q Why do clarinettists leave their cases on their dashboards?
A So they can park in the handicapped zones.

Q If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A The out-of-tune tenor sax player. Meeting the other two means you're hallucinating.

Q How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A The bow is moving.

Q If you needed a heart transplant, why would you want one from a conductor?
A Because it's had so little use.

Q How do you get two trumpet players to play in tune?
A Shoot one of them!

Q How do you tune four oboes?
A Shoot three of them.

Q What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A When you toss a clarinet in the toilet and it doesn't hit the sides.

Q What's the difference between a keyboard and a coffin?
A The coffin has the corpse on the inside!

Q What do you call a gnome who lives in the city?
A A Metronome.

Q What's the definition of optimistic?
A A trombone player who carries a beeper.

Q Why did the trombone player cross the road?
A To get to his day gig.

Q How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A Take your hand out of the bell and play without any semblance of taste.

Q Why are violins smaller than violas?
A They're not really, it's just that violinists' heads are bigger.

Q How can you tell if the stage is level?
A The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A The bassoon burns longer.

Q How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A Cut the noose

Q What's the difference between a lawnmower and a saxophone?
A You can tune the lawnmower.

Q What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A No one cries when you chop up the oboe.

Q What's the difference between a trampoline and a bassoon?
A You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.

Q What is the range of a piccolo?
A Oh, about twenty yards on a good day.

Q Why was Mozart lost?
A Because his teacher was Hydn.


A player in an orchestra forgot the time of their next performance, so he rang the conductors office and asked to speak to the conductor. He was told that he had passed away earlier.

He hung up, considered this for a few minutes, then rang again. He got the same reply. After the fifteenth time, he got the reply, "Look, he's dead! Why the hell do you keep ringing us?."

Replied the musician, "I just like to hear you say it."

One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks.
After looking around for a few minutes with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: "Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a conductor!"


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