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1. What will you call a viola couple's divorce ? The wastes classify.
2. How to get violist play spicatto:write a solo above the whole note.
3. What is the definition of Fugue?2 violists try to play unison.
4. The longest joke of viola: Berlioz's Harold in Italy
5. The shortest joke of viola: a violist goes to masterclass…(hahaha)
6. What the difference between condom and violist? It's correct to use them but mush nicer without them.
7. The definition of String Quartet? A violin, a not so good violin, a viola switch from violin and a cello who hate violin.
8. This is a AD in Strad: Wanted: the most famous string quartet looking for 1^st violin , 2^nd violin and cello.
9. A retired violist comes back from his last day of rehearsal. He grab his instrument and knock the door: Honey! I'm home! His wife look at the case and say: Honey, what's in that black case?
10. How can we rescue a full bus of violist without the break, fall behind the cliff? Never mind, let it fall.
11. Which etude can you use for violist's Trills? Beethoven's "For Elise".
12. A violinist usually has a black callus in his neck. How about the violist? In front of his chest, because they hold the viola very low.
13. A Theater Orchestra had a two-week series concerts for Bizet's Carmen. One hour before the first concert, the conducter became very ill and the manager must find a substitute right away. The assistant principal violist know how to conduct and willing to do it. And the concert is a great success. Since the conducter still ill, the violist conducted all the concerts. After the series of opera. They have a rehearsal at Monday. As he sat down at the old position, the principal violist asked him very quietly : Where have you been for last two weeks?
14. What's the difference between a violist and a prostitute? Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.
15. A no break Twingo with 4 violists fall off the cliff, How to rescue them? It's a pitty, Twingo can fit in 6 violists...
16. A violist decides that he's had enough of being a viola player-unappreciated, all those silly jokes. So he decides to change to violin. He goes into a shop and says: "I want to buy a violin." The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment, and then says: "You must be a viola player." The violist is shocked, and says: Yes! How did you know that? The man says: "Well, this is a supermarket."
17. How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola? Divide the tempo by 2.
18. How to tell the balance of an orchestra? Watch the direction of violist's spittle.
19. What's the difference between a viola and a coffin? The Coffin has the dead person on the inside.
20. Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording? Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all the noise is eliminated.
21. How is lightning like a violist's fingers? Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
22. How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? Put it in a viola case.
23. What's the difference between a violin and a viola? 1.The viola burns longer. 2.The viola holds more beer. 3.You can tune the violin.
24. We all know thatviola is better than a violin because it burns longer, but why does it burn longer? It's usually still in the case.
25. What do you do with a dead violist? Move him back a stand.
26. What's the difference between a viola and a onion? No one cries when you cut a viola.
27. What is the definition of a minor second? Two violists playing in unison.
28. How do you get 3 violists in tune? Shoot 2 of them.
29. What the difference between a washing machine and a violist? Vibrato.
30. How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune? The bow is moving.
31. Why is a viola solo like a bomb? By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
32. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road? Skid marks before the skunk.
33. Why are violas so large? It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large; just that the violist's head are so small.
34. What is the definition of a cluster chord? A viola section playing on the C string.
35. How do you know there's a group of viola players at you door? None of them knows where to come in.
36. What's the difference between a viola and a TV dinner? The Viola doesn't fit in a Microwave oven, unless you break the neck off.
37. What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You should take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
38. Why do viola players keep their cases on their car dashboards? So they can park in handicapped spaces.
39. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from a viola recital.
40. How can you make a violin sound like a viola? Miss a lot of notes.
41. Why are the viola parts written in Alto Clef? Harder to prove those wrong notes were not copy errors.
42. Why do orchestras use so many violas? Help the homeless problem.

I like to thank for these Viola players I have known:
Kenny Kudditt
Willie Showup
Ima Dudd
Howard Ino
Manny Mustakes
Skip DeRunz
Chaim Lostalott
Sinbad Tayste
Peg Stuck
Hyman Trubble
Buster Bridge
Les Saithnotz
Moe Clinkers
(update: April 22 1998)

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