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April '00
Note: It turns out I know two funny Kellys. All previous quotes by a Kelly have been Kelly Stallard, but with the entrance of Kelly Harnett into the quotebook, Kelly quotes will now be specified.
4/1
DellPlain
"I don't want to be a cue ball anymore, it's so unrewarding." -- Alyssa
"That was my 'We're in the elevator so shut up' noise." -- Alyssa
"I don't often feel compelled to use the phrase 'cuntrag,' but I feel like using it now. Cuntrag." -- Alyssa
On the way to HBC
"I'm cold and I want to go inside. Andrew Berman, WBAB news." -- Andrew
"Priyantha: he's everywhere you want to be." -- Alyssa
4/2
Hendricks Chapel
"G-d understands, it's Jessica we have to worry about." -- Kelly Harnett (first quote)
"There is but one Loff (loaf)." -- Rev. Thom Davenport (we know a guy named Loff)
Clarice, Cricket, MariAnne, and Maria's suite
"I'm all about nudity. I'm 100% for nudity." -- Clarice
Electronic Music Studio
"Professional composers don't throw away music enough." -- Shafer Mahoney (famous composer guy)
On the phone
"Out damn spot! Oh look, I'm naked." -- Erika, mocking the Roman Polanski version of MacBeth
4/3
Crouse
"Don't bite my knee ... I shouldn't have to say that!" -- Kelly Stallard.
4/7
Music History
"Everybody Wen-Chung tonight." -- Andrew, mocking Chou Wen-Chung, a 20th century composer
4/8
Washington D.C. with Phi Sig
Miriam: Who's on the horse?
Shay: Some guy. He's dead. They made a statue.
"We're gonna make Bill Clinton's head pop out of the sewer!" -- Miriam
"That guy's double parked! He's an ASSHOLE!" -- Casey Boss, applying her newfound knowledge of parking etiquette.
4/9
Andrew's Car, the ride home from Maryland
"She's gonna have some pretty interesting dreams." -- Meredith, about Miriam sleeping while we were playing the Jurassic Park soundtrack.
"Andrew, you have DINOSAURS in your car!" -- Miriam
"You're nothing without a URL!" -- Meredith
Email
"Thanks to Annika for a great screw. It was just what I needed to keep everything together when it seemed like it was all falling apart. Her screw made all the difference. I was much happier after she gave it to me. It was just what was necessary to fill the hole...not too loose, not too tight, just the right size. Now I can wear my glasses." -- Mark Dalius
Andrew's Room in Flint
"Congratulations on your ass." -- Lauren Maynes
4/10
Music History
"Once I was the King of Denmark, and my music really sucked!" -- Kelly Stallard, who wishes to mention that this is a crack at Morton Feldman, a 20th century composer who wrote such crap as "The King of Denmark." It is BY NO MEANS a crack at Moxy Fruvous, whom she adores.
Email
"Random hookups are a great way to prevent inane conversations from being boring." -- Kim
4/12
A (sac)religious conversation at Eggers
"On the eighth day G-d created woman. And on the ninth day G-d gave woman a voice.... She needed time to ruminate." -- Kelly Stallard
"...and on the fifteenth day G-d created music history. And on the sixteenth day it fell from grace and now it only rises from the fiery pits of Hell to claim us freshman and sophomore year!" -- Kelly Stallard
"And on the eighth day G-d rested, or rather, Loff sat on the couch." -- Bekah
Crouse
"Today you are strong." -- Matvei Chekhtman
"Hello Lucifer! What valve is going to get stuck today? Are you going to leak on my pants this afternoon?" -- Bryanna, talking to her French Horn, to whom she refers as "Diabolus in Musica"
The Mount Stairs
"I'm hungry, I think I'll have some wine." -- Adam (J. Davidowitz) demonstrating what NOT to do before a violin lesson
Betsy singin' the Blues at Mike, Betsy, Trish, and Peter's house
"Adam says he's a little tipsy, but I think he just doesn't know what's goin' on." -- Betsy
"It's funny how purple shirts don't make Mike look cool." -- Betsy
"It appears a large fish has gotten stuck in Mike's throat." -- Betsy
"Any song that has the word 'naked' is good as far as I'm concerned." -- Betsy
4/13
Honors Seminar
Andrew: Floating reviews. That paints an interesting picture.
Alyssa: He grades them in his bathtub.
"ee-thane-you-tetch." -- Dr. West, failing to correctly pronounce Cricket's name (Ethany Uttech)
Don: I saw the movie in 11th grade, and I found it boring.
Alyssa: You know what? It told me the same thing about you.
(Kim, copyright enfringement!)
4/14
Music History
"I don't give a Schnittke." -- Kelly Stallard, about 20th century composer Schnittke (Shnit kah)
Amber and Jennie's, the Phi Sig Induction Party
"We're hangin out in the freezer together!" -- Casey
Miriam: I wonder what it would feel like if I jammed this [corkscrew] in my eye.
Andrew: I am SO glad you said eye.
(anyone else with as dirty a mind as me?)
4/16
Dome Stomping
"Can I have one?" -- Sara, see Matt's quote on the 10th of December 1999
4/18
Online
"A foul ball almost killed one of us." -- Andrew's Dad, about a Met game
Flint 2C
Elysa: You have a Fred Durst taped to yourself.
Lauren Maynes: Doesn't everybody?
4/19
Music History (where else?)
"In the 19th century being 'kinda' tonal was like being 'kinda' pregnant." -- Dr. Godfrey
Eggers (That answers that question.)
"You are very much like a goat." -- Katie Apple
"Badjew! Their holidays are all seven days long, and they're generally closed-minded, grouchy people, and did I mention short?" -- Kelly Stallard, making fun of Adam D. for believing that there are only seven days of Passover (for your information, there are in fact eight)
"Rhinocerous dung! Let's go." -- Kelly Stallard
Schine Student Center
"You can talk about it, just don't masturbate in front of me." -- Andrew, to Betsy, about American Pie (the movie)
Just outside Flint
"Don't drop [the orange], ...that's like dropping a woman off the bimah." -- Ilana, referencing the antifeminist remark that a woman on the bimah is analogous to an orange on the seder plate.
4/20
A letter from Erika
"I can only do two things at once, not three." -- Erika
Online
""Think of things to EAT, and eat them." -- Kathleen
4/21
Saratoga Steakhouse
"No spoon though, and do you know why? ... The dish ran away with it." -- the Maitre Dee (sp), in response to my acknowledgement of a picture of a fork on the wall. But we all know the REAL reason the spoon was absent!
4/22
Shoppingtown Mall
"The architect thought this would annoy people, so he did it." -- Eric Berman (Andrew's dad)
Andrew's Room in Flint
"They leave messages on my machine like 'Where are you? Why don't you love us?'" -- Miriam, about her parents
"The drinking age is like two in Europe." -- Miriam
Online
"Hello little stairs, I am in quite a hurry. WHY DID YOU BITE ME?" -- Kelly Stallard, reflecting upon her broken ankle
"Kat is my sexy, I-wear-vinyl name." -- Katie
4/23
Easter dinner at Kelly Stallard's boyfriend's house
"She's a vegetarian, she doesn't need to lose another food group." -- Kelly, about Betsy
Andrew: That's St. Francis of Assissi.
Kristin Kotowski: That was my nickname in high school.... I used to save frogs from swimming pools. (First Quote)
"She was a very leafy slut." -- Kelly, about The Wife of Bath
"Please don't feed the Jews." -- Illya Jordanoff (First Quote)
Illya: Well, he's a Saint, which means he must be ...
Andrew: Muslim.
"The only toned muscle in his body is his right forearm." -- Rob Boulle (First Quote)
4/27
Dinner in Shaw with Alyssa and Miriam (Alyssa: five quotes in five minutes! Look out, Jen!)
"Criminal negligence is when you steal food and don't feed it to your kids." -- Alyssa
"Reckless endangerment is leaving your car on train tracks and running away." -- Alyssa
"Stick it in your nose, it's fine!" -- Alyssa, referring to a gun in the context of manslaughter
"Oops, dropped a chainsaw across your midsection!" -- Alyssa
"You need a tape recorder, not a Quotebook." -- Alyssa
Andrew's Room in Flint
"I really don't feel like taking out my pig and sticking my nose in its duodenum." -- Ilana
4/28
Lunch at Eggers with Kelly Stallard, Adam J Davidowitz, and Jessica Kielb (It is necessary to list all of their last names)
After we'd discovered that of the people at the table, only Kelly doesn't play the violin, only Adam doesn't sing, and only Jessica doesn't compose, Kelly said:
"Let's see, how can we exclude Andrew? ...We all know it's wrong to bite people's knees!"
"You heard the velcro, you know what's coming." -- Andrew, referring to the sound of taking the Quotebook out of his pocket.
Adam: Two women said that. It must be right!
Kelly: It only takes one, sugar.
Jessica: This is the opposite of orgasm.
Andrew: What's the opposite of orgasm?
Jessica: A shudder of disgust?
Kelly: Vomiting!
"Kelly Stallard: Invalid on the move!" -- Andrew
Electronic Music
"Where did you hide the bodies? ... You're gay?" -- Dr. Long, demonstrating what we could overhear if we scattered microphones around the auditorium at a concert.
Ichi-Ban, Japanese Hibachi Steakhouse (I like steakhouses)
"We're required to take writing classes in Newhouse for the purpose of knowing how to write." -- Miriam
Andrew: You said you thought the quotebook would run out on August 31st. I think you're very wrong.
Miriam: Not if you slip into a coma.
Andrew: It's so great to be free to eat whatever you want.
Miriam: I don't let silly holidays stop me.