Rocky Romance Tip #1
by Maris Lemieux
Whether you're alone cruising for passion, or careening through an exciting new relationship, there's bound to come a time when your love machine hits the proverbial rocky road. Most of us aren't too proactive about these things. We let the little irritations in a relationship slide until we're really miserable. By then, the negative sludge (resentment, for example) could bury a house. Though the scale and the duration may vary, the way we let this sludge build up is the same for short relationships as it is for marriage.
Our Rocky Romance tips can be practiced to enrich a relationship now or can be saved for a rainy day, to shed light on problems in the future.
And here's Tip #1. The Interface Moment.
Let's take any average couple: they know each other pretty well. For a day or a week they've been apart, working, living separate lives. Maybe he's been thinking, "Damn, my co-worker is trying to pass my work off as his own." And she's been thinking, "Damn, my presentation seemed flat and no one gave me any feedback afterward, was it really that bad?" If they live together, he may be thinking, "I'll get home, take a shower, and we'll have a quickie before dinner . . ." while she's thinking, "He'll get home, I'll let him watch junior while I catch a quick shower. . ." You get the picture. Each person has a different expectation for how things will go when they meet up.
We've already heard that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. We forget that when these two planets first get together, they're also coming from completely different galaxies. And they still have a good bit of momentum going in their respective galaxies when they meet up.
She may be tense and angry and processing backwards through what happened that day, while he may be upbeat and enthusiastic, imagining forward to what they might do that evening. They meet. Their different trajectories slam together. Ouch.
This is the fatal moment of interface.
After living separate lives for eight hours or two days or three weeks, the way this couple spends those interface moments could be the most important part of their time together. But few people take the time to stand back, open up, and slowly blend, in order to ease the process of two worlds becoming one. This process can make the difference between an easy waterbirth and suspension from your heels with a rough slap to the ass. Couples usually work this out all unconsciously. One person emerges as the receiver, the listener, the one to put on the heavy brakes at the interface as they try to sync up with their partner's orbit. But when a major change occurs in this automatic lifestyle, the couple may not be prepared to handle it. This happens in marriages, for example, when a child is born. It happens in relationships when one of the partners becomes either more or less invested in their job -- say a promotion, requiring more time, or a job loss, requiring encouragement. It can happen around a loss, around grief, around a disability.
Whatever the cause for the change, the couple continues on, expecting their old lifestyle patterns to hold up, patterns that were never planned in the first place. Suddenly, aspects of the relationship that used to function on automatic get tested. Some of them fail. They were not strategies; they were conveniences. And conveniences don't hold up well under stress.
This brings us back to the moment of interface. Say he's unemployed, spends the day looking at want ads and sees lists of valuable skills he doesn't have. Meanwhile, she's had a hard day at the office. Right away, their moment of interface has great potential for conflagration. Let's not go there.
The way to avoid this mine field is for the couple to:
--be very sensitive to and aware of this moment of interface
--have a stress-busting strategy in place for that moment before the stress hits the structure
This two-step program might just help a couple avoid bad feelings that could spiral into layers of resentment. So what is the stress-busting strategy to keep relationship rifts from creeping up on you?
Easy. Do something together.
--It should be something neutral, not sexually or emotionally demanding.
--It should be something of mutual importance or of shared interest.
--It should be treated almost as a ritual, so that it serves to mark your interface moment as something special.
--It should also give partners something in the mutual environment they can expect or count on as they re-orient to each other.
--The right ritual should ease the partners out of their isolated worlds and into the mutual world of the couple.
--Men especially relate to doing, not speaking. And speaking is not always the best strategy for bonding.
It is up to each couple to design their own interface ritual. One couple jogs together or takes a brisk walk together. Another meets at the gym. In the process, each partner is doing something that benefits him or herself while celebrating togetherness. Exercise gets the blood pumping and endorphins flowing -- it's a mood elevator. And finally, the time spent alone together helps the two to reconnect with the mutual world they've created. Other couples may have a hot tub ritual; a mutual hobby; put on the music and take a few romantic dance tours around the home. For new couples, it may be going out to dinner; for married couples it may be a small home improvement project or changing the baby's diapers. Or why not folding the laundry together -- simply save that laundry for your special time! (Think of all the movies and TV ads where two lovers meet over small conversation at the Laundromat.) Even doing dishes can be pleasant, if you make it so. The only requirement is that the project or activity be of mutual importance, or of shared interest. Neither partner should think, "I'm doing this for him/her." Both should be committed to the fact that they're doing it for the relationship.
Your interface ritual also serves as a relationship barometer. When a couple finds this ritual falling by the wayside, it often signals some trouble within the relationship. But just as easily, committing yourselves to getting back to your ritual can be the first step on the path back to relationship bliss.
It can be fun to make up your own private ritual. Try it. Be creative with it. Invent a ritual that is flexible, while able to evolve over time and withstand the life changes you'll share together. And have fun.
Rocky Romance Tip #2: When the Sex Goes Away
by Maris Lemieux
Sure, there could be reasons for sexual draught that have nothing to do with the relationship. Your partner is frigid, cold, lazy, you name it; one one of you is suffering from grief, depression, alcohol abuse, or physical or hormonal issues. OK, that could be it. But the numbers show that if you take all the afore-mentioned possibilities and add them together they're still less likely to be the problem than the number one reason for disappeared sex: unresolved emotional issues. More specifically, Resentment Pile-up.
Most often, when the sex is gone, it is actually lying way deep beneath a compost heap of hurts, unfulfilled expectations, rejections -- the sludge of resentment. OK, so it ain't pretty -- but you already know this.
In Tip #1 (see archives) we talked about a strategy for keeping the resentment from building up. It's a strategy that works best if you start it early in your relationship and develop it as your relationship grows. However, if your relationship is at the point where you wake up one day and realize you haven't had sex in ten years, your compost heap of Resentment Pile-up is probably festering to an acid boil. Too late for prophylactic strategies.
How could this happen to two people who were so in love and who once enjoyed sex so much? Let us count the ways:
1) The honeymoon's over. In his book The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman gives the wild-in-love period of a relationship about 2 years, max. And it is likely that those 2 years are in turn marked off in 6-month turning points. You'll see the end of the rainbow coming.
2) Being "in love" is not the same as loving. Chapman would say that being in love is emotional while loving is taking action. Bottom line: After the Ecstasy, the Laundry (as author Jack Kornfield put it).
3) Wrong expectations. If you disagree with or don't like hearing about 1 and 2; then you're most definitely doing 3. What you're expecting from your relationship does not match the natural ebb and flow of a love relationship. Entertain the idea that it's not your partner you need to change; it's your expectations about "love."
4) There could be a sexual imbalance -- one partner wants to do it more than the other. This is workable, but without taking care of some of the other items on this list, solutions won't come. Resentments build up on both sides. People dig in and entrench.
5) You speak different "love languages." Gary Chapman claims that very few people marry or pair up with someone who speaks the same love language they do. Time to learn a second language.
6) Vicious Circle. Whether the problem is love styles or life styles, each partner continues to do more of the same. Unfortunately, a partner's strategy for coping is often what's causing the problem to begin with -- except that as the rug pulls out from under, they continue to do it harder and faster. Think about this. Ooh baby, it's a kicker.
7) Add all this together and you get Resentment Pile-up.
THE BIG THAW: Step 1
Your relationship is chilly and you're about to give up on the partner, much less the sex. Hold everything. As a last ditch effort, there's a little program you can follow that might just start the spring thaw and you could be heading for summer heat all over again. Here are the steps: 1) Collect the data. 2) Think action not words. 3) Change your program (think and act like your mate) 4) touch without sex 5) Buck up, and risk being open, vulnerable, expressive of your feelings. 6) Don't talk, take action (did I say this?). 7) Have patience.
So let's get on with it.
The very first thing to do when the sex goes away is relearn what turns your partner on. You're both suffering from resentment pile-up, so start at a safe distance, a mere fact-finding mission.
If we're having computer troubles, most of us know better than to just start hitting buttons and banging the screen, even though our frustrations may tell us to do just that. Begrudgingly, we go off on a fact finding mission, try to learn as much as we can about the computer and the problem, assess what we can do, and start fresh. Funny how few of us use this same common sense when our relationship malfunctions.
Even if you and your partner have been living together for years (sometimes especially then -- we take so much for granted) you may be surprised at what you don't know about your partner.
No matter what state of disarray your relationship is in, if things are really frosty, if you can't imagine ever having sex with your mate again, still, compile the facts, sit back and look them over, let them mull around in your head. This is the first step. Look at your partner anew. Pretend you don't know them (you may already feel this way!). But treat their inner secrets as a simple puzzle, not as morass of pain. For step one, you are dispassionately gathering data like a reporter.
To get you started, here are two approaches you can take that, though they would work best if they involved cooperation from your partner, they can also be started alone, just to get your mind loosened up. The first is list making. Try to keep the lists fun and away from hot-button issues.
First, the list assignments. These list assignments shouldn't hurt (much) and might be enlightening. As you draw attention away from he-said-she-said, and focus on tell-me-about-you, you may be surprised to find the process thawing some of those glaciers, even if just to cause a few surface cracks. Lower your expectations; do it with an open mind. Ask questions not to prove something but to learn something. Even if you don't have a partner at this time, it is important to know your own love styles and issues. Make your own lists. The knowledge may save you some trouble in the future. If you have a partner, ask him or her to make a list too.
List exercise 1: List some very specific actions your partner does that turn you on.
The point here is to think about things other than sexual things that turn you on. For example: The way she smiles in the morning when she's half asleep. The way he used to jump in and help with the dishes. The way he deals with our children. The way she used to pay for dinner when we went out to eat. The lists should be fairly long; give yourselves a minimum number of items on the order of ten or twenty. Once you've made your lists, trade them with your partner.
From here, there are two ways you can go, depending on whether things are just a bit chilly or they're at the iceberg stage.
a) If your relationship is an iceberg of resentment, once you've traded lists, say nothing to each other. No expectations, no justifications. Just look over each other's list, and consider it.
Possibly over time, you will find a few things on the list that you wouldn't mind doing every now and again, and then surprise your partner by doing them (or more of them, in the case of something you're already doing). And your partner should do the same for you.
If things are so bad, your partner doesn't want to hear your list, try to get his or hers. Tell your partner that you want to use the information to experiment with ways of improving your relationship -- "humor me," you can add. (If this doesn't work, next stop: therapy.)
b) If you and your partner are at the point where you're trying desperately to make some headway together, instead of simply taking the lists and going off in silence, you might want to have discussions. But never let them go into the blame area. Consider them data gathering missions, not problem solving missions. You're not in a place where you can solve the problem until you have the data.
List exercise 2: The second two lists have to do with your personal love language. A lot of times, the sex won't happen until the partner feels loved -- loved on his or her own terms. The secret that Chapman points out, however, is that people don't register love in the same way.
1) List the little things you do to show your partner that you love them. 2) List the little things your partner could do to show you s/he loves you. Try to create a list that has at least ten items on it.
Again you want to trade lists, if you have a partner. And before you look at your partner's list, you should be aware of the 5 love languages Gary Chapman has uncovered. 1) gifts, 2) services 3) words of affirmation, 4) physical touch, 5) quality time.
These are the ways that people perceive love, according to Chapman. Two things about these languages cause an interesting catch-22 at the heart of many couples' issues. First, if a person is not being spoken to in their love language (for example, they register "service" as love and you are giving them gifts), they aren't going to feel loved. You may double up your efforts and buy more gifts (especially if gifts are what ring your own bell) and your mate -- quite baffling to you -- will still insist that you don't love them anymore. And the second paradox is that a person will tend to want to express love in his or her own language. Chapman claims that your love language is pretty much determined at an early age, and stays dominant through your entire life, so you can forget changing yours or your partner's. If you like words of affirmation and she likes physical touch, you're both going to have to be bi-lingual. Since few partners speak the same language, you can see where this is leading: trouble in paradise.
When you and your partner trade lists, first you want to try and guess what your partner's love language is. Then you want to ask yourself if you can learn to speak it. Can you give gifts, even though you may feel it is silly or shallow?
As you look over your partner's lists, ask yourself casually if there are any little things you notice on that list that you might be able to accommodate pretty easily, things you could change about your approach, your actions, or your love style that might not be so painful at all. Just leave it as an open question as you go through these thawing steps. Don't feel that changing your approach implies you've been doing something wrong. If you and your mate have been playing the resentment game, you've probably heard enough of that and are fed up with it. Instead, just look at it as trying to add more things that are right.
[to be continued…
Next week: a few more fact-finding strategies and then, "starting the big thaw."]
What to do When the Sex Goes Away (II)
by Maris Lemieux
[Last week in "What to do When the Sex Goes Away" Part 1, we talked about ways a couple can begin digging themselves out of the resentment pile-up that's usually at the root of a sex-starved relationship. Part 1 is alive and well and living in our archives. Feel free to visit it for the whole story. But for now, we'll give you a quick summary:
"As a last ditch effort to revive your icy relationship, there's a little program you can follow that might just start the spring thaw and you could be heading for summer heat all over again. Here are the steps: 1) Collect the data. 2) Think action not words. 3) Change your program (think and act like your mate) 4) touch without sex 5) Buck up, and risk being open, vulnerable, expressive of your feelings. 6) Don't talk, take action (did I say this?). 7) Have patience.
Now for Part 2:]
Thawing a relationship that's been in a deep freeze starts with two strangers getting to know each other's joy spots (emotionally as well as physically) all over again. That's right, strangers. Over the years of resentment pileup, of taking each other for granted, of assuming each other's motives and anticipating each other's actions, the person you think you know only too well, has in fact become a stranger.
If you can both agree to take this approach toward each other, then you may be able to share each other's lists (as described in part 1). If you can both agree to pretend you're strangers, you will actually be reacquainting yourselves to the partners you lost track of along the way. If you can agree on this much, then put on a little mood music, and make a purposeful decision to set aside time "to get to know each other better." This will give you the space you need to play a game of twenty questions aimed at revealing each other's love styles.
Sit down and spend some time coming up with thoughtful questions. Think about things you really want to know or things you have wanted to know but have never found the right occasion to ask. Try to ask the hard questions, but ones whose answers would be enlightening, not threatening. And make sure these are not blame questions ("why did/do you" is a category of question that is best kept off limits).
Here are a few examples of questions that might work well. Take it from here yourself.
1) Name some things I've done recently to make you wonder if I really love you? What?
2) Name some things I've done recently to make you feel loved? What?
3) Can you enjoy intimate touching that doesn't lead to sex?
4) If I just hug you in the middle of the day, a warm close hug, what does it mean to you?
5) On a scale from 1 - 10, how much do you enjoy sensual touching that doesn't lead to sex?
6) How much do you enjoy taking the lead in sex?
7) How much do you enjoy it if I take the lead in sex?
8) Am I romantic enough for you?
9) What kinds of actions would you list as romantic actions?
10) How important is it for you to hear "I love you," or to have me tell you you're doing a great job, or to tell you how great you look?
11) If you don't hear these things from me, what are you thinking?
12) If you had to make a choice, would you rather know I'm thinking of you when we're apart, or that when we're together I'm 100 percent attentive?
Take it from here. And if you get stuck for questions, there are plenty of books and articles offering lists of creative, informative, thought-provoking questions, for example Michael Webb's book, 1000 Questions for Couples.
In addition to finding out things you've been curious to know, think of Gary Chapman's five love languages (see Part 1) and try to determine what language your partner speaks -- does s/he prefer you to do things for her, give him gifts, pay her compliments, spend quality time with him, or hug and cuddle? (Remember that physical touch in this case is not sexual touch). Ask, for example, "would you rather have me give you a surprise gift or surprise you by doing something for you (wash your car, draw you a picture)?"
"If I cooked you a good meal, would you thank me by giving me a hug and kiss or by telling me how much you enjoyed the meal?" (Remember that people often show love according to their own love language, not yours.)
Once you know what turns your partner on and what love language your partner speaks, you're all set to start thawing the glacier. Even if only one partner decides to reverse the cooling trend, results can spread to the inactive partner. Sometimes one person's movement or change can wake a partner from hibernation. Ultimately, however, both partners will have to be on board for the love to really heat up again.
First step is to make a decision. Decide to take action. No more words. This includes verbal sparring, arguing, convincing, reasoning, cajoling, pleading, and anything else you've tried up to this point. Think ACTION.
ACTION 1. The first action to take is to look over your partner's lists and responses to your questions for something you can do. He thinks "romantic" is you, reading poetry, find a book of poems. She things romantic is you wearing skimpy underwear, go G-string shopping. If your partner's lists revealed something you hadn't heard a million times in the form of a complaint, you're lucky. But even if you're not so lucky, start small; start with something you think you can do easily, something you either haven't done, or have gotten out of the habit of doing. And do it.
Don't just do it once and wait for applause. Try doing it every day for two weeks. You may have pleasant results.
ACTION 2. Well, actually, you should repeat Action 1 quite a few times using different items on your partner's "hot lover" wish list (see Part 1).
But now we get to the sticky stuff -- sex. If there's a sexual imbalance in your relationship -- one partner wants it way more often that the other -- it can be tricky. The partner who has the greater sexual need has probably gone through a pattern of cajoling, pleading, guilt-tripping and complaining. The first step that partner has to take is to pull back.
Groan.
Sorry. It's sad, but true. If you've been the one wanting all the sex, you've got to realize that the more you pursue, the more your partner pulls away. If you want your partner to reverse directions, you've got to change directions first. Pull a 180.
Now if you and your partner have been abstaining for years -- and this happens -- obviously mere pulling away, without other stragtegies, is not going to do much for you. But performing Action 1 with all due diligence might begin to open things up a bit. You can look to Action 3 and combine it with the ideas here.
For all others, if you're the partner who wants more sex, start wanting less -- or start expressing it less. If you have managed to browbeat your partner into sex twice a week, then aim for twice a month. Remember, this is only temporary. The idea is to open up some space in the relationship where the less sex-needy partner can get needy (or at least interested).
You can do things to speed this along. A gradual, plan of increasingly intimate play -- a sort of foreplay stretched out over a couple of weeks -- should get your partner interested (that's if you've been carrying out Action 1 faithfully).
Here's your action plan. a) Speak your partner's love language -- a compliment, a gift, a service. Then move away. That is, do not ask for sex, do not allow it to happen. b) Next, give your partner non-sexual touch for a few days and move away: a pat on the shoulder, fingers through the hair, a squeeze of the hand, a hug. Do this in a hit and run fashion -- that is, make it very clear that you are not waiting around for a return favor. For partners who are less interested in sex, one of the biggest complaints is "I'm afraid to initiate any kind of physical intimacy for fear I'll 'start something.'" You've got to stem those fears.
Your moving in and then away does two things. As before, it gives your partner space to feel physically close and let their own physicality breathe free; secondly, it plants the seeds that will make them to begin to want more; thirdly, it lets them know you still care.
Practice each of these intimacy "teases" a couple of days before adding the next level to your intimacy actions. c) Next level is to connect with your partner during the work day, some little thing that -- without being obtrusive -- will let your partner know you're thinking about them, a phone call, a sticky note in their brief case, an email. Get them thinking about you when you're not around. Get them anticipating. Remember that you're not warming them up for sex, only for more verbal intimacy. Perhaps in the second week of this abstinence, you can give them a feel that may be sexual, but be sure, again, not to linger and not to let things escalate. You want to inspire desire in your partner. It may take great effort and cool-headedness on your part, but the results should be worth the effort.
If you work this escalated intimacy tease, continue speaking your partner's love language, and exert great dollops of patience, you should find your lover propositioning you before you ever expect it.
On the other hand, if we're dealing with a glacier (perhaps it's been years since you've had sex) you need to modify the above approach in a couple of ways.
[to be continued…
Next Week: Extreme frosts and how to melt them.]
What to do When the Sex Goes Away (III)
by Maris Lemieux
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Extreme Frosts and How to Melt Them
Last week we talked about an action plan for a partner who wants a little more sex in the relationship. It was basically instructions on how to conduct a two-week tease. And if your relationship is solid, minus a bit of the sex you're craving, running the tease program should get you into the saddle. People who have used this approach report that their partners surprise them by initiating sex -- partners who have previously been stand-offish or even cold.
However, if you've got a relationship that's been freeze dried since the Ice Age, you're not likely to move into the sexual phase right away. Follow all the steps covered in the tease program of ACTION 2 (from "When the Love Goes Away (II)"; see archives). But don't set your final goal for sex. Set a more realistic goal.
Here are some realistic goals for ACTION 2:
establish trust
begin establishing connection
Set your ultimate goal in this phase for getting to the place where you and your partner can comfortably talk about sex. Then start talking. It is most likely that you'll have to get to sex by way of communication. It may seem less direct, but it is powerful. But if you've been on the receiving end of a real freeze out, then this longer path is worth the extra time and work. But it's not about a night of fun; it's about an entire revival in your sex life.
Here's why communication:
Some people (often, but not always, men) need sexual connection before they're feeling secure enough to offer affection or emotional support. Other people (more often women) need emotional support and affection before they feel secure enough to engage in sex. In a damaged sexual relationship, these two opposites have probably attracted. Murphy's Law. You can see the catch-22 built into such a love life. It's not hopeless. But you can probably also see that someone will have to make the first move or the impasse will last forever.
Making the first move means
a) coming out of the comfort zone
b) doing something you may not want to do.
In the case of a very long-term ice age, the thaw may take a good bit of time. This means continuing to do uncomfortable things over an extended period.
So there's a choice to be made: Is a thriving love life worth the effort? Yes or no. If the answer is yes, actions 3, 4, and 5 are for you.
ACTION 3
Think and act like your mate.
Remember Gary Chapman's love languages (from "When the Love Goes Away (I)"; see archives). Let's say your mate is someone who feels loved when you perform acts of service. So you want to try to be the same way. You perform acts of service, because you feel that's how to show love. AND when your partner performs a service for you, you'll recognize it as an act of love. Say your partner doesn't feel comfortable having sex unless they've received a lot of affection first. Then that's what you're going to be. This means that you won't want to have sex unless you and your partner share affectionate moments. This role reversal will help you immensely. Not only will your partner start falling madly in love with you (how can they not -- you think like they do), but you will start to understand that in your partner's own way, they are showing you love -- love the way they see it. This action requires commitment, a thorough job in the research part of this program (from "When the Love Goes Away (I); see archives), and a willingness to be vulnerable and take risks. But if you get it all together and it's working out, you're ready for Action 4.
ACTION 4
Take risks and allow yourself to be vulnerable. The barrier between two partners who love each other is mostly made of scar tissue, a toughness that grows over times when they are vulnerable and get hurt. Their protective strategy is to close down over that issue. It's no surprise that their partner closes down, too, also in self-defense. It's a vicious cycle. Pretty soon, they have layers and layers of scar tissue and no open spaces. Look at someone who has lost the sex from their relationship and you'll see someone running in a vicious emotional circle. You can step off this cycle by accepting vulnerability or being open. Try not to run for protective cover. Try not doing the comfortable thing. And if you can hear your partner as someone coming from their own place of vulnerability, rather than as someone coming at you, you may learn some interesting things about where the sex has been hiding.
A Word About Arguments
If you and your partner are not having the kind of sex you'd like and you find yourselves arguing a lot, or arguing viciously, be aware that the argument is part of a cycle. Once you step into the cycle, you can only dig yourself deeper behind a wall of ice.
Here are some ways to approach potential arguments so they don't become full-blown arguments.
1) Everyone knows when their discussions are going to slip into unproductive territory. You start digging up the past, and instead of "what can we do," it becomes "remember what you did." Or you'll hear some of the same, battle-worn issues coming up. Make a rule to yourself that when this starts to develop in your discussions, drop out, take a break, find a change of scenery with a promise to think about things and get back.
2) Don't talk in terms of what was done, but in terms of what you can do, together.
3) Active listening. This is a great technique used by arbiters and mediators. Each partner takes a turn making a point. You must listen WITHOUT INTERRUPTION until your partner is done. Then you try to repeat what your partner said. Explain your partner's point of view as you understood it. Ask them if they feel you understood them correctly, and if not, have them restate their point and go through the process again. Then your partner listens to you. If you deal with each point in your differences back and forth in this way, you will probably end up having a productive discussion, not an argument.
4) Try not to approve or disapprove of what your partner says about his or her feelings, just try to understand them. But since love is about actions not words, ultimately you don't have to understand why your partner needs what s/he needs to feel loved, you just have to get that it works for them. This puts you back to "action."
5) Do what it takes. Don't wait to trade compromises with your mate, don't make excuses about why you don't want to do things for your partner, just do them.
This action-oriented approach is the best way to get out of a blame game pattern that no one can win.
ACTION 5
Hopefully, after looking at each other's love styles, and hearing each other's needs, you and your partner can agree to work together. Always look for actions to take, not reasons to explain. Work as a team looking for solutions -- not as analysts looking for causes. Don't ask what either of you did wrong; ask what can you do right. Start small, have patience, and a little faith. Assume that your partner is not against you. If you've gotten this far, you've probably done several things that have thawed the relationship somewhat. From here, you and your mate can go back through the process together.
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