How to fight a good fight

Misunderstanding is a natural part of marriage. Stressed-out, dual-career couples today have more to negotiate than ever, and the potential for conflict is at every turn. But for couples who know how to work it out, conflict can lead to a deepening sense of intimacy. The trick is knowing how to argue.

Why a good fight isn't so bad:

Conflict is OK. Marital conflict is a necessary challenge to be met rather than avoided. Conflict is natural in intimate relationships. See it as an opportunity for growth, not a crisis. Far more important to the survival of a marriage, research shows, is how well couples handle disagreements.

Don't allow yourself to bury something that irritates you. Repressed irritations have a high rate of resurrection. In a healthy marriage, when one spouse brings up an issue, the other listens attentively. From time to time, the listener will paraphrase what the other says to make sure the message is understood.

Money is a trigger. Most conflicts erupt over relatively minor issues. Money outranks all other topics and is the number one area of conflict among married couples. Couples are constantly faced with financial decisions that cause them to ask, "Whose money is it?" Surprisingly, money fights are not a function of how much money they have or don't have. Couples fight about money no matter what their income is.

Choose your battles carefully. A major task in marriage is learning what can and should be changed and what should be overlooked. Ninety-five percent of the issues that couples bicker about can be overlooked. Before you gripe about the way your partner made the bed or cleared the table, ask yourself if it's worth it.

Define the issue clearly. Once the conflict is defined, it often takes care of itself. What are we really quarreling about? What is the real source of our disagreement? Before you fight, be sure you know what you are fighting about.

State your feelings directly. Practice the XYZ approach. Fill in the blanks with your particular gripe in mind: In situation X, when you do Y, I feel Z. For example: When we are riding in the car (X) and you change the radio station without asking me first (Y), I feel hurt that my desires are not considered (Z). This is more constructive to your partner than saying "You never consider my feelings when it comes to music."

Give up put-downs. Names do hurt. Avoid derogatory comments about your spouse's sexual performance or parents. Stress your caring for each other. Show your appreciation when your spouse has done a chore - even if it isn't up to your expectations. (Say, "Thanks for washing the car" instead of "You missed a spot.")

Stick to the issue. When you are in the middle of a fight, stick closely to the relevant issues, and try to end the fight. Don't bring up other issues that have not been resolved. It's not how you get into arguments, it's how you exit them.
© 1997 vinebranch@hotmail.com

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