Discipline

Not Democracy - Not Dictatorship

"Disciplining your children." The very phrase is worrisome to a parent. Each one has his or her own personal formula. However, there are some basics that are proven to work - and can work for you.

The basic principles of parenting:

Maximize the trainable years. Up to 85% of a child's personality is formed in the first five years of life. Don't waste this time for shaping your child's character.

Reward responsibility with privileges. This begins with the privilege for a small child to choose the socks to wear to school that day. Later the child may choose among two or three outfits to wear. Finally, responsibility having been demonstrated, the child may select all of his or her clothes, as long as they are clean and modest.

Match punishment to the offense. Be neither too lenient nor too harsh in imposing it.

Be consistent and follow through. Give only one warning; each postponement after that weakens your authority.

Create safety in the home. Small children are at greatest risk. Don't attempt to explain the situation. A firm "No!" and moving them away from the danger best communicates to the child that he or she was in danger.

Demand courtesy and sharing. Hitting, kicking, and name-calling are serious offenses that require serious punishment. Parents may need to intervene to make sure that all is fair.

Establish consistent bedtime and mealtime. Adherence to a regular bedtime schedule avoids arguments and tantrums. A consistent meal schedule affords a comfortable atmosphere for true family interaction.

Emphasize good homework habits. The child should write down all assignments so there is no question of what is expected. Set up a place to work at home, and establish a schedule. Check the work frequently and reward good performance.

Recognize the levels of offenses.

The first is ignorance. The child just doesn't know the rule. This calls for a warning, not punishment.

The second is forgetfulness. The child - especially younger ones - just doesn't remember. The parent should simply state the rule and give a warning, not punishment.

The next is testing. The child resists boundaries by deliberately breaking a rule. This requires punishment.

Then comes rebellion, when a child openly defies authority. Punishment should be administered immediately by the challenged adult. No "Wait till your father comes home!"

Finally, danger. The child threatens the safety of himself/herself or others. Administer strict and immediate punishment. No warning is necessary.

Be a strong role model. Teach from life - great Christians of the past, as well as your own. When you see the first shoots of godly character emerging from your child, encourage him or her. Note acts of kindness - your encouragement can make them become a habit in your child's life.

Correct errors. Correction is like weeding a garden. Eliminate everything that prevents growth - in this case, your child's character.

Excerpted from Effective Discipline: A Delicate Balance by Bonnie Johnson Fite, copyright (c) 1997. Used by permission of Bridge-Logos Publishers, North Brunswick, N.J., 1-800-631-5802. For information on Effective Discipline Seminars contact Bonnie J. Fite, P.O. Box 70434, Sunnyvale, CA 94086, 408-245-7246.

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