YES, I KNOW I SHOULD FORGIVE, BUT...

Every person has been on the giving or receiving end of an act that requires forgiveness. Being unable to forgive keeps you from walking with God closely; it puts you at sorts in all your relationships - not just the one with that specific person.

How to get started:

Tell your story. Gather all the pertinent facts of "the incident" into a narrative form. This helps you understand all the aspects of what happened. Realize that your story may be slanted.
Acknowledge your anger. Anger must be named for what it is - a cry for help and relief. Try to determine what - or who - is the source of the anger.
Remember the purpose of forgiving. It is not just to feel better, but to be obedient. God desires us to be at peace with all people. When there is no forgiveness, we are out of God's will for our lives. First and foremost, forgiving re-connects you with God. Secondly, it re-connects you with the person who offended you.
Decide to forgive. The process of forgiveness is a combination of your willingness and God's power that makes determination a reality. It is a function of the mind, activated by your will, and not your emotions. Let God exact punishment - if He chooses.
Reconcile with your offender. It is not always necessary to tell your offender that you have forgiven him/her, especially when he/she has not asked for forgiveness, or even conceded the hurt he/she has caused. Let your behavior be an indication of your forgiveness. Other times, if your offender has asked for your forgiveness, graciously acknowledge that you have forgiven him/her. Your thoughts can be expressed directly or in a letter - and the letter may or may not be sent. Do not ask for "payment" of the offenses (Jesus has already paid for them). Seek restoration of the relationship, but don't expect it. Usually the offender will deny the offenses.
Prepare for recurring memories. Welcome the memories as a way of deepening your growth into a Christlike character and not a way of re-hashing the offense.
Seek to rebuild trust and mutual good will. It may take time to rebuild a relationship. You can choose not to associate with them at all. If this is family, you will need to relate in a causal, courteous, and gracious manner - as long as no continued harm is present. You are not obligated, however, to share on an intimate basis.
Pray for your offender (Matt. 5:44). Seek creative ways to bless or benefit those who have hurt you (1 Cor. 4:12; 1 Pet. 3:9). Finally, establish limits as to the kinds of behavior allowed in your interactions with the offender.
Reach out to those YOU have offended. Ask for forgiveness. Some will forgive you and seek relationship with you again, others will reject your apology and want nothing to do with you. Respect their decisions. Some will forgive, but keep bringing up the offense. Quickly agree that what you did was wrong, then thank them for their forgiveness. Don't slip into a defensive mode: this only stirs up more conflict. Act in humility at all times.
Begin. Don't put off thinking about forgiveness. Don't wait to forgive or ask for forgiveness. The sooner you respond, the sooner you will be in right relation with God.

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