KEEP COOL EVEN WHEN YOU'RE HOT

Four steps to processing anger:

• Give permission to be angry. It's OK for you, or others, to be angry. Anger is neither right nor wrong in itself. The Bible says, "In your anger do not sin" (Eph. 4:26). The issue is not the anger, it's how you choose to act on it.

• Report feelings of anger. Anger needs to be calmly reported to the one with whom you're angry. "John, it really makes me angry when that happens." Talk about it right then, if you can. Do it in private. Too often people choose to "stuff" their anger, thinking they are keeping peace. In reality they are doing harm to themselves (e.g. stomach aches, nausea, ulcers). Venting your anger is equally as harmful if it is a blowup at another person. Positive venting is using the energy that anger produces in positive ways (e.g. weeding the garden, vacuuming). If irritants are handled one at a time, as they arise, anger can be defused. But when they are allowed to build up, an explosion is inevitable.

• Don't hurt anyone. Decide - with your mate or friend - that when one of you becomes angry you will not hurt each other, verbally or physically. Most people who are hurt physically have first been verbally abused.

• Ask for help. "Will you help me work through my anger?" This request for help will open the lines of communication with the person who has upset you.

• Seek first to be understanding - then to be understood. Make sure that you are hearing the other person correctly. You might say, "I heard you say... Is that what you meant?"

• Give in. Let the other person have his or her way. Say, "It's really no big deal to me, and since you obviously have some strong feelings about this, I think we should just go ahead and do it your way." There is no contest, so you don't have to feel defeated. It can often be the most loving thing you can do.

• Try the win/win theory. Try to find an agreeable solution in which both people gain something. You need to adopt an attitude that says, "Unless you win, I don't win either."

• Agree to disagree. There are some subjects about which two people can never agree. That's OK. Acknowledge that you will never agree on the certain issue (e.g. where to set the thermostat), and then decide not to disagree about it every time it comes up.