God has placed us in relationships in order to manifest His love
to us and to the world. In all relationships - even the best -
there will be conflict. When that happens you need a plan to
handle it.
Conflict is inevitable. Even good relations will face
conflict. James 1:2 tells us to consider it joy when - not if
- we encounter various trials. Relational conflict is one of
those "various trials." Relationships themselves are, by
design, emotional entanglements. That is the joy and the
flaw. But if a relationship in difficulty is ignored it will
require much more work to reconcile. That's why you can't
afford to pretend that everything is OK in an attempt to
avoid dealing with conflict.
Have a plan. Unresolved conflict affects your sleep, your
disposition, and your diet. Having a plan, then working the
plan, will keep you in harmony with those you care about.
Seek first to understand, then to be understood. The first
instinct is to tell your side of the story. If you start out
trying to resolve a conflict defensively, you will inflame
the conflict. The gracious gesture of listening first gives
opportunity for true communication, and the quiet you create
by not trying to talk over the other person is a calming
quiet. Be quick to hear, slow to speak (James 1:19).
Name the problem. It is easy to become sidetracked and lose
sight of the main issue by digressing into side issues. The
longer you allow the root of a problem to remain undealt
with, the relationship is on its way to dying. Walking in
fellowship with someone will demand saying the hard things
from time to time in order to eliminate the real things
causing the relationship to decay.
Examine your heart. Pray and ask the Lord to help you discern
right from wrong in this specific situation, and ask Him to
give you courage to own up to your part. Often it's not the
big and dramatically obvious things that cause conflict, as
much as the insidious way you have of eroding someone else's
confidence, diluting his or her enthusiasm, monopolizing the
spotlight, or your general passive involvement in his or her
life that eats at the foundation of a relationship.
Resolve the conflict. Sometimes a cool-down period may be
necessary. But if at all possible, it is wise not to let the
sun go down on your anger (Eph. 4:26). Sometimes this may
involve an uncomfortable confrontation. But if you confront
someone in genuine love, you free him or her and yourself to
change and enjoy a redemptive relationship.
Seek forgiveness. Ultimately, in instances of conflict, the
only person you can control is yourself. Believing the best
in the other person helps for a mutual desire for peace, but
regardless of whether the other person expresses repentance,
forgiveness is the necessary path. Holding grudges or
withholding forgiveness will cost you more than the
friendship. In the long run, it will take a physical hold as
well.
Kim Thomas is an author, speaker, painter, and
performer, a featured writer for Aspire magazine, and
the lead singer and lyricist for Organic Records
recording artists Say-So.
From Simplicity by Kim Thomas, copyright (c) 1999.
Used by permission of Broadman & Holman Publishers,
Nashville, Tenn., 1-800-233-1123.
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