RID YOUR MARRIAGE OF STRIFE

Some days you may wonder if you can find one, let alone seven. But when it becomes a lifestyle, it becomes easy to look for the good in your spouse.

When you compliment each other with words of appreciation and affection, it projects acceptance and creates trust and security.

Examples:

• You do such a great job with the lawn. You even look great in your old, sweaty work clothes.

• It's wonderful just to be near you.

• Thanks for being such a great dad to our kids.

• Thanks for a lovely meal.

• Thanks for taking out the garbage.

• You are my best friend. I can tell you anything.

• No one touches my heart like you do.

Practicing seven-compliments-a-day goes a long way to warding off strife. But when tiffs begin, remind yourself that marriage is for the long haul - for keeps. Many divorces develop through strife, and most of them are avoidable. Don't pick at each other over petty annoyances. Before you criticize your spouse, ask yourself how important the issue is. Ask if that comment is going to help or hurt your relationship. Ask yourself if the issue at stake is more important than your marriage, or your spouse's probable reaction to your words.

Seven elements of loving support - when entered into deliberately - will help you avoid strife:

1. Unconditional commitment. You both make the decision to avoid squabbling, and to build each other up at all times.

2. Scheduled time together. Don't allow your lives to be so busy and serious that you can't relax together and enjoy each other. Plan for regular outings, or even times alone without the TV or phone.

3. Availability for your spouse. Don't permit outside responsibilities to crowd out your good times, and quiet private times together.

4. Tender treatment. Always exert the utmost tenderness toward each other, as you did while you were dating. Stand together always.

5. Eye contact. Remember how you looked deeply into each other's eyes while you were courting? Do that often now. Loving eye contact helps to erase hurt and irritations. Let your eyes overflow with love and admiration.

6. Listening with understanding. Really listen. Try to get into the mind of the other and understand. Sometimes you just need to listen, not offer a better solution or criticism.

7. Touching. On your honeymoon you probably couldn't stand to be with each other without touching. This is something you need to practice and continue in the marriage - the warmth of each other's flesh, holding each other, hugging often, cuddling without sex. Focus on the importance of the closeness of your love. An embrace often gives new hope and strength to the other.