Birth Day:
Matt is delivered as an "overdue, scabby, ugly piece of shit" - as described by his parents and several doctors present.
He left his mother with a broken tailbone, defecation in her womb, and a terrible sense of regret.
1st Birthday:
His family makes him a cake with blue icing sugar on it. Quite delicious. Matt eats most of it, then falls asleep in the rest of it.
2nd Birthday:
Details hazy. Presumably, Matt got some presents, ate some cake, had a shit, slept, etc etc
3rd Birthday:
Unsure on this one too. He most likely slept most of the day, got up for a shit and some Pepsi, then went back to bed.
4th Birthday:
Had a cake in the shape of a 4, with racing cars over it. Matt's Nanna rang up while he was in the garden, so his super-cool cousin Jason lifted him over some rosbushes to get to the phone quicker. Yes, Matt got cut several times on the feet, and now blames his cousin for his fear of roses. However, I blame it on Matt being a fag.
5th Birthday:
Went to pre-school with a cake. Ate it, played Ninja Turtles at lunch, then drew a picture depicting two African-American men engaged in the act of fellatio. His teacher saw it, then said "Good job, birthday boy" the gave Matt a flirtatious wink. Who knows if this act of fagosity is entirely or at least partly responsible for Matt's religious homosexuality.
6th Birthday:
Got some kids over his house for a party. Two Grade One students died of an ecstasy overdose, three were treated for severe alcohol intake, and Matt won a Mars Bar playing Pass-The-Parcel.
7th Birthday:
Easter Sunday. Matt went to a Christening, and some old guy thought his name was Michael. Then Matt said his name was Matthew and that it was his birthday, and the old guy said, "Really, how old do you turn Micheal, 8? 9? 20?"
Matt chuckled, then said, "Seven, you weird... guy"
8th Birthday:
Had some friends over... I think. Ate some Mars Bars or something, went to the toilet, then went to bed.
9th Birthday:
Details hazy. Most likely something to do with feces or gay erotica.
10th Birthday:
His sister told him to have a party at McDonalds, but Matt said, "Nah."
Details are unclear of what really happened though. He probably said something stupid.
11th Birthday:
Started, then finished playing with his penis
12th Birthday:
An ex-boyfriend of his sister told Matt that his 12th birthday was his "King" birthday, as his birthdate is the 12th, and he's turning 12. Matt doesn't give a shit, goes for a swim, but the pool is too cold. Has a shower then goes to bed. Then, presumably, fantisizes about his sister's boyfriend. Masturbates.
13th Birthday:
Masturbates
14th Birthday:
Masturbates
15th Birthday:
Hangs around Nambour for a bit. Goes home, reminds his mum it's his birthday, his brother gives him a wallet with $10 he stole from Matt in it. Matt is delighted until Brian tells him the truth about the cash.
Matt feels dejected and ripped off. Masturbates.
To abhor Matt's 16th year of not dying, I have compiled this list. This list is a short description of nearly everything Matt has done for his first 16 Birthdays. A lot of research has gone into this, most of it disgusting. No wait, all of it.