January:
The year started off well with Matt waking up at his friend Jake's house in the early afternoon. Jake's little brother ripped Matt's pants at the party the night before, so Matt had to go to bed wearing only his ill-fitting boxers. So ill-fitting in fact, that when Jacob woke up he was treated to a full view of Matt's exposed testicles.
"Quite becoming" was Jacob's comment after the incident.
Febuary:
With the start of Febuary brought the start of the school year. Matt's first whole new year at his new school. A new beginning, a new sense of confidence; and a new hope.
A year ten punk swore at him and questioned his sexuality in full view of hot chicks on the second day back.
He never quite recovered.
March:
On one of his infrequent visits to the supermarket, Matt saw a display displaying a new fruit drink thing. However, the staff were pretty slack and forgot to keep a check on cups. Actually pretty thirsty and desperate to try this new fruit drink, Matt grabbed a clean looking cup from out of the bin and used it, and tried all four flavours in succession. All but one was utter shit, and that one wasn't anything great anyway.
Later on he got sick, and he wasn't sure if it was because of the dirty cup or shitty product.
And yes, that was the most exciting thing to happen to Matt in March 2001.
April:
On the 12th, Matt was fortunate enough to celebrate his 16th birthday. Friends and foreign dignitaries alike were invited to a huge party at Matt's house, but only Eddie Welsh came. Matt's brother gave Eddie a Red Bull, and Eddie went spaz and molested the kitchen curtains.
May:
May was really boring.
June:
Matt rented out Hook and watched it a few times. It was pretty funny, especially the fat kid at the end.
July:
One of the coldest days of the year, Matt strips down to his undies and runs around the backyard in a fervent expression of warrior spirit. Whilst not as impressive in South East Queensland than in Japan or Germany, Matt felt it a positive step in his development, and a significant gesture against the cold and unforgiving conditions that bore him.
And his undies were bright orange.
August:
At his sisters' birthday celebration, Matt got stuck into the sauce and got a little drunk. After pissing in the pool (from the balcony) he tried to get it on with the neighbour's dog.
This behaviour was repeated on his Dad's birthday then again on the following Sunday. Then once more the Thursday after and every day until the end of the month.
September:
On the fine, crisp morning of Tuesday, September 11th, Matt Strain woke up to something that he wouldn't forget soon. A shock so extraordinary he was forced to have school off for the week and miss his sewing class that afternoon.
He shat the bed.
After a night of heavy Indian cuisine and the consumption of 1.25 litres of Tikka Masala sauce, Matt woke up to find himself with the squirts.
And a sore bum.
He is yet to fully recover.
October:
In what seemed a blatent lack of responsibility and due care for the motorists of Australia, Queensland Transport issued Matt with his learner's permit. After four very shambolic and tearful failures, Matt finally got his L's on the fifth go after getting a friend to cheat on it with him.
All I can say is, I'm glad I own a scooter.
November:
For his brother's birthday, Matt offered to give his brother an old pair of underpants. He didn't want them though, and told him to fuck off.
December:
With December comes Christmas, and with Christmas comes other stuff. Matt went down to Brisbane for Christmas, where it was fucking hot and he sweated 4 litres out of his scrotum alone.
Then on New Year's he went to a party and slept in a tent that was set up on concrete. He probably pissed his pants during the night, but he didn't notice it.
Matt's very first meal for the New Year was a 'Big' Breakfast from McDonalds. And his first drink was Dr Pepper. And his first unhealthy snack was a packet of Chicken Twisties. And his first criminal act was jumping the fence into Eudlo Primary to get a drink of water.
