KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Mrs. Biddle was walking down the street one day carrying a small box with holes punched in the top.

"What's in that box?" Mrs. Riddle asked.
"A cat," Mrs. Biddle answered.
"What for?"
"I've been dreaming about mice at night, and I'm scared of mice. The cat is to catch them."
"But the mice you dream about are imaginary," said Mrs. Riddle.
Mrs. Biddle turned to her friend and whispered, "So is the cat."

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it." "Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

This guy buys a parrot. Every morning he stands in front of the cage and asks in a pleasant voice "Can you talk?" This goes on for weeks with absolutely no response from the bird.

Finally one morning, totally fed up, he shouts "CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID CREATURE? CAN YOU TALK?"

The bird looks him in the eye and says "I can talk, all right. Can you fly?"

When the chimp owner came home one day, he found his wife sleeping with his chimp. He was mad with rage, and went up to his neighbor for some advice. The neighbor said, " Just go and spank your monkey, because if you divorce her, you will have to spank your monkey forever."

I was once approached by a polar bear. I only had a pistol loaded with
blanks to defend myself. Fear caused a small droplet of sweat to form
on my forehead, it immediately froze. I took the droplet and put it in
the pistol. Then I fired at the bear. The heat from the gun melted the
sweat droplet. The droplet then re-froze due to the extreme cold and
struck the bear in the head. The droplet then melted from the bear's
body heat. The bear died anyway, from...

(planned hesitation)......

Water on the brain.

A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund. The man asks what the items are for. He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?" The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund."

An Australian hooker goes into a tavern, empty, except for a lone Koala bear sitting at the bar. She walks up and asks if he would like to spend the night with her. He agrees and they both go back to her place. On the way, she asks if Koala bears are really as good with their tongues as rumor says. He replies that they are indeed. They make love all night long, and in the morning, the Koala thanks her and turns to go. "Just a minute buddy, that'll be 100 bucks." she says. "Koalas never pay", he explains calmly. "I'm a prostitute, I make my living this way, you owe me 100 dollars!" she says, but his reply is the same; "Koalas never pay". Finally, in desperation, she gets a dictionary from the shelf, looks up "prostitute", and shows him: "See? prostitute: One who takes payment for sexual favors." The Koala takes the book flips to the Ks: "koala: Australian marsupial, eats bushes and leaves"

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good.

Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.

Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.

Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help."

Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot."

St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, "I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?"

This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off. You see in Hell Sam owned a disco. The spent the day there together and had a great time. At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, "Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?"

Larry looked around and said "No, I don't think so I have my halo and my wings." St. Peter looked at him and said, "Yes, but what about your harp?" Larry gasped and said, "I Left My Harp in Sam Clam's Disco."

Two rabbits & a hedgehog sitting by the side of the A48.
Hedgehog: "Hey boys, what's the other side of this road?"
Rabbit: "Why don't you go and look?"
Hedgehog: "Nah... If any of our lot tries to cross, we get run over. Not worth the risk"
Rabbit: "Just run across. If there's a car coming, look him right between the headlights and curl up in a little ball, let him pass over the top and away you go"
Hedgehog: "You can't do that. I don't believe it. Show me"
Rabbit: "OK"

Rabbit saunters casually over the road and as he gets to the centre, a car comes screaming around the corner. The rabbit stops, looks the car right between the headlights and it passes over him. Gets up finishes the journey.

Hedgehog to other rabbit: "That's a fluke, you can't possibly do that all the time."
Rabbit 2: "No problem, just do as he did. Look, I'll show you."

Same things happens. Car comes around the bend. Rabbit looks it right between the headlights, passes over and up he gets to the other side. The two rabbits are over the other side, beckoning furiously to the hedgehog, encouraging him to cross over until finally he plucks up the courage. Looks both ways. Nothing coming. Starts out, gets halfway and arounbd the bend comes a car. Hedgehog looks car right between the headlights and the car passes over him. SPLAT! The poor hedgehog is one inch thick on the road - a pizza, in fact, deader than twenty dead things.

The rabbits are dumbstruck, momentarily stunned by the events. Eventually the first rabbit speaks...

"Bugger me! That's incredibly bad luck. I mean, how many Reliant Robins do you get on this road?"

*For those colonials amongst us, a Reliant Robin is an infamous 3 wheeled car in Limeyland.