KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender brings his beer, and says " None of my business, mister, but how come you got such a small head?"

The guy sips his beer, and says, " Well, a few years back, I was shipwrecked on a small island. After a couple of weeks of being there, I found this bottle, and when I rubbed it a genie came out. She said ' For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes.' So, being shipwrecked, I wished to be rescued.' A ship is on its way' she says. Next, I wished to be rich.' You will have untold wealth when you return home'. Well, having been on the island alone for awhile, I wished to have sex with the genie. She said, 'I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to do that.' So I says, Well how about giving me a little head?"

A bear goes into a bar in Boise, sits up at the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender looks up and says "I'm sorry but we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise." At this the bear gets very upset, and says "If you don't give me a beer I'm going to get really mad!" The bartender not wanting any trouble says "I'm really sorry and I don't want you to get mad but, we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise."

Now at this point the bear is getting really mad! So he looks around and sees a couple quietly having dinner. He gets up and knocks the table over, the couple scream and run out. Now the bear asks the bartender, "How did you like that? Do I get my beer now?" The bartender says "I didn't like that at all! But..we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise!" The bear is getting visibly upset, "Look, if you don't give me that beer I'm going to hurt someone!" Now the crowd is getting nervous, the bartender again tries to calm the now very, very upset bear down, "I'd really rather you not hurt anyone, but I still can't give you that beer because...we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise!"

Well at his point the bear jumps up and grabs the guy sitting next to him and tears into him, ripping him to pieces. Everyone is horrified and the poor guy crawls out the door. The bear feeling sure he'll get his beer now says "So, how did you like that? How about my beer?" The bartender holds his ground and says "That was terrible!! I really wish you wouldn't have done that but...we do not serve beers to bears in bars in Boise!" So now the bear gets furious, "If you don't give me that beer I'm going to KILL someone!" Of course the bartender doesn't doubt it but tells him "Please don't kill anyone! But....we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise!"

Well as you can imagine the bear is crazy by now and looks to the end of the bar and see's this sleazy,nasty woman with fishnet stockings, sucking on a cigarette, guzzling down drinks. So he gets up and goes down to her rips her off the stool, tears her in half,rips out her guts, blood goes everywhere as he eats her up! He then turns to the bartender with blood dripping from his mouth, "SO.. NOW DO I GET THAT BEER?" The bartender is sickened by what he see's, "That was awful!! I sure wish you wouldn't have done that because we also don't serve beers to people that do drugs!" Well the bear can't believe it, "I don't do drugs!"
The bartender replies "Oh yes you do ...what about that barbitchyouate?"

A doctor used to visit the same bar every day and order the same drink day in/day out. "Fix me an almond Daquiri, Dick!" the fellow asked. "Coming right up!". This was the way it went for years on end.

Finally one day, the bartender realized there were no more almonds anywhere in his inventory, and his customer was waiting anxiously at the bar for his favorite beverage. In a hurry, he figured that he could use a hickory nut, crush it up, the man would never know the difference. Well, the doctor took a sip of the drink and said "Is this an almond Daquiri, Dick?". "Well, no, it's a hickory Daquiri, Doc."

Fella in his hospital bed keeps ringing for the nurse because he has to take a dump really bad. He can't hold it any more and finally messes in his bed. To clean it up, he pulls the sheet off the bed, wads it up, and tosses it out the window.

Joe, the local inebriate, is on his way to his favorite haunt when this sheet happens to land square on his head. He staggers into the bar, and the bartender, taking one look and a getting a whiff of the brown stuff, sez, "Joe, you smell AWFUL."

Joe sez, "You would too, if you just beat the shit out of a ghost."

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.

"What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.
"So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager. "well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!".

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman.

"Hi," he said, "I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?"
"Get lost," she remarked, "I am Lesbian."
"Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things in Beiruit?"

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

Six men who were feeling no pain were staggering down the street about one in the morning. Laughing and singing loudly, they walked up to a two-story home. One of them managed to make it to the door and pounded on the doorbell insistently. A light came on in a upstairs window. The spokesman for the group yelled up, "Is this where Mr. John Smith lives?"
"Yes, it is. What do you want?"
"Are you Mrs. Smith?"
"I am Mrs. Smith. What do you want?"
"Could you come down here and pick out Mr. Smith so the rest of us can go home?"

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist. The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?" The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a glass of 5-year-old brandy. The bartender promptly gave him his drink. After taking a sip, the man told the bartender that he had given him 1-year-old brandy. The bartender apologized and poured him another drink. The man took a sip and complained to the bartender that he had given him 3-year-old brandy. The bartender apologized and poured him anohter drink. The man took a sip and replied to the bartender that this was 5-year-old brandy. Having overheard the conversation, an elderly man replied, "You sure do know your brandy." The man proudly said, "I like to think so." The old man asked if he would taste his drink and tell him the age. "Sure," he replied and began to take a sip. Quickly, the man spit out the drink and yelled, "This is not brandy! It's pee!" "Yep," replied the elder, "now tell me how old I am."