| 2291. The Little Old Lady...
A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-here? The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop answered, "Uh, yes ma'am, We do." The little lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave any ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?" Well......... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big. "D-do aa-ny of them ha-ave a v-v-v-vibra-a-ator?" Yes ma'am, one of them does. W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?" 2292. Cool signs...
Sign in a Laundromat:
Sign in a London department store:
Outside a farm:
In an office:
On a church door:
Outside a photographer's studio:
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
Outside a disco:
Sign warning of quicksand:
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Sign on motorway garage:
Notice in health food shop window:
Spotted in a safari park:
Seen during a conference:
Notice in a field:
Sign on a repair shop door:
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: 2293. Two Drunks Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the Patch!" 2294. The Difference Between Dogs and Cats A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be G-ds! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a G-d! 2295. The poor dog ...!!! It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other. Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: a. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.. b. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current. c. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the ground.. d. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring.. Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them. But only temporarily.. 2296. Shoulda just took the sign down...!!!
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the
wall: 2297. How Many Hours??? It takes 5,000 hours of experience, or about two years of school, to become an Airframe and Powerplant Mechanic (to work on planes); it takes 18 months of school to beome a barber. In California, most police academies are about 5-6 months, between 750-950 hours. 2298. Wrestling Match Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!" 2299. Vaseline A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man, "Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?". "Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We're paid by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?" "I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt, fire away young man", says the homeowner. Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay...first, you do use Vaseline, correct?". "Yessir, for as long as I can remember". "Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" replies the survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer. "Let's see.....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex." The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward and in a low voice says "We pride ourselves in being very thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?" "No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper, "we put it on our bedroom doorknob". The survey-taker gets a strange look on his face and takes a step backwards before the homeowner continues, "It keeps the kids out". 2300. What Sex? A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?" So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc... He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love... He thinks, what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth. The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So what why did you wish to know about sex?" "Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..." |