KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.

Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.

Women with a Ph.D are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.

Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.

National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.

In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.

Women who have a postive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.

White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for Black girls.

Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.

Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians.

Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.

Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.

Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.

Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.

White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex.

20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.

So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go looking for:

a 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4 Black/1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D, wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbra Cartland, and who lived with her single mom! Shouldn't be too hard.

.....happy hunting

A man and his wife were driving their RV across country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.

They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:

"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."

The waitress looked at him and said:

"Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

A man and his son went to the grocery store and were in line at the checkout counter when the son says to his dad, "Look at that lady in front of us, daddy, she's fat." The man notices the lady but politely tells his son, "That's not a nice thing to say." The son continued to stare and point and then said, "No daddy, she's REALLY fat." The man said, "Please son, we're almost done here, behave and quit saying those things." Just then the lady's beeper went off and the son said, "Watch out dad, she's backing up!"

Following a whirlwind romance and marriage, Beverly and Sid came back to reality. After making love one night, Sid threw Beverly his pants. "Here," he said "try them on." The woman did so and, standing beside the bed said "They're much too big." "You got it girl", Sid replied. "I never want you to forget who wears the pants in his house." Scowling, Beverly plucked her panties from the bed, and tossed them at her husband. "Try them on" she ordered. Sid snickered, "Forget it. I'll never get into these!" Beverly headed for the bathroom. "Until your attitude changes,"she said over her shoulder, "that's absolutely right!"

Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations 10.10.95:

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.

Canadians: This is a little lighthouse. Your call.

This was the transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

An Englishman ,a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started :Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

An 80-year-old man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 80-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?

The 80-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 80 years old and both your father and your grandfather are both alive?"

"Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 126 years old, and next week he is getting married for the first time."

The doctor said, "After 126 years of being a bachelor why on earth did your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers." "Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"

Language proficiency is part of the international contracting scene. This exchange between an English-speaking traveller and a member of the hotel staff in a Far East hotel was recorded in the "Far-East Economic Review":

Room Service: Morny. Rune-sore-bees.

Hotel Guest: Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.

RS: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?

HG: Uh ... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.

RS: Ow July den?

HG: What?

RS: Aches. Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch...?

HG: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.

RS: Ow July dee baycome? Crease?

HG: Crisp will be fine.

RS: Hokay. An Santos?

HG: What?

RS: Santos. July Santos?

HG: Uh. I don't know ... I don't think so.

RS: No. Judo one toes?

HG: Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes" means. I'm sorry.

RS: Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping we bother?

HG: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An English muffin will be fine.

RS: We bother?

HG: No. Just put the bother on the side.

RS: Wad?

HG: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.

RS: Copy?

HG: I feel terrible about this but ...

RS: Copy. Copy, tea, mill--

HG: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.

RS: One Minnie. Ass rune torino fee, strangle aches, crease baycome, tossy cenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?

HG: Whatever you say.

RS: Hokay. Tendjewberrymud.

HG: You're welcome.