KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Q. How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?
A. Pull down their genes!

Q: What has thick glasses and a wet nose?
A: A Shortsighted gynecologist!

Q. How would you know if you had Alzheimer's?
A. Even if the doctor had told you yesterday, you'd have forgotten by today.

Q. Have you seen the new home surgery kit available via mail order?
A. It's called Suture Self.

Q. What did the gynecologist say to the ophthalmologist?
A. "Everything looks fuzzy!"

Q. What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A. A genealogist looks up the family tree --
A gynecologist looks up the family bush.

Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.
Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair.

Psychiatrist: What is your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother?
Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken?
Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come see my collection. I've got hundreds of 'em.

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?
Doctor: Sell!

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid SOB!!!!!

Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?
Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference.

Patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.
Doctor: Next!

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills?

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?
Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.

Patient: Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent?
Doctor: Yes there is...being young and broke.

Patient: Tell me, doctor. Is it serious?
Doctor: Well, I wouldn't advise you to start watching any serials on TV.

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank.

Patient: Doc, will I be able to read with these glasses?
Doc: You sure will.
Patient: That's great! I never could read before.

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doc: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

Doc: You need glasses.
Patient: But I'm wearing glasses, Doc.
Doc: Then I need glasses.

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
Tom: Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!

Mavis: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?
Mavis: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

Prisoner: Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

Tom: What's good for excessive wind, doctor?
Doctor: A kite!

Do you find it difficult passing water, Mr. Sozzle?
No, doctor. But I do find it hard to pass a pub!

Bill: My wife beats me, doctor
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
Bill: Every time we play Scrabble!

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
Doctor: Never mind, you'll pass eventually.
Liz: But I'm the examiner!

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay out of them places!

Doctor: Have you had this before?
Patient: Yes
Doctor: Well, you've got it again.

Patient (lifting arm): Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
Doctor: Don't do that.

Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used toaster oven aluminum foil, what's wrong with me?
Doctor: You have far too much free time.

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well... The bad news first...
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Patient: During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much.
Nurse: What word was that?
Patient: "Oops!"

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.

Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"

Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game.

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie...

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Mr. Brown: I keep seeing spots before my eyes.
Mr. Green: Have you ever seen a doctor?
Mr. Brown: No, only spots.

1st man: I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin.
2nd man: Oh really, what happened?
1st man: After the first two, I felt better.

Overheard in a petri dish...
"After they made you, Honey, they threw away the mold!"

One hobo to another. "I think I'm going to quit smoking. It's becoming too dangerous." "Really?" "Yes. Twice today I picked up a cigarette butt and someone nearly ran me over."

An angry mother took her son to the doctors. "Is a nine-year-old boy able to perform an appendectomy?"

"Of course not," said the doctor impatiently.

The mother turned to her son and said, "There, I told you so. Now put it back!"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

The doctor walks in and tells the patient he has some good news and some bad news. So the patient asks for the bad news first.
Ok, says the Dr., the Bad news is that we had to amputate Both of your feet! The Good news is that the guy in the bed next to you wants to buy your shoes...

"Doctor," the man said to his ophthalmologist, "I was looking in the mirror this morning, and I noticed that one of my eyes is different from the other!"

"Oh?" replied the doctor. "Which one?"

An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be five years from now?"
"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"