KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

This guy in a bar has had too much to drink, and he keeps pestering the bartender to let him throw a dart at the dart board. The bartender is reluctant, but finally gives in. The drunk throws the dart, hits the bulls-eye and says, What do I win?

The bartender looks around for something that will satisfy the drunk so he’ll leave but can’t think of anything. Then he remembers that someone had given him a turtle to give to his son, but he didn’t really want his son to have it, so he takes out a shoe box with the turtle in it and gives it to the drunk. The drunk is happy and walks home.

A week later the same drunk is in the bar. Again he wants to throw a dart, and again he hits the bulls-eye. What do I win? He says.

The bartender thinks a minute and says, What did I give you last time? *
*
*
*
The drunk replies, Roast beef on a hard roll.

A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off.

"Who was that?" the wife demanded.

"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."

"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.

The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"

For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"

"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.

"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."

Frankfurt, Germany -- When a light began flashing in the cockpit indicating fire in the cargo hold of a Lufthansa flight ready to take off, the captain quickly steered the plane into the hangar.

But there was no fire.

It turned out the smell from a shipment of pigs had triggered the alarm on Tuesday's London-to-Frankfurt flight, a Lufthansa spokesman said Wednesday.

The pigs were unloaded and, after an hour's delay, the plane took off for Frankfurt, he said.

A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

Our lives are drowning in options! And it's eating up all our time. I like to watch TV as much as the next guy (five or six hours a night, tops) but nowadays it seems like it takes 15 minutes to go through all the 197 channels trying to decide what to watch. Well, that's 15 minutes I don't have to waste. It makes me mad.

Today's sad truth is we have become prisoners of "choice."

Did you ever wonder how the average prison inmate packs so much into one day? Well, maybe it's because he's NOT sitting around agonizing about what movie to see, what checkbook pattern, coffee maker, hair care product or Methodist Church to try. He's not lingering over the dessert cart at the prison mess. No sir! It's sheer cake or nothing because the man's got a job to do and THAT'S why your license plates show up ON TIME every year.

A prisoner doesn't CHOOSE. He KNOWS. That's probably why he's called a "convict." By replacing your own "choices" with "convictions," you can save endless hours of time.

A Don requested that three of his nephews meet him at the local bar.

When they arrive he explains to them the reason for the meeting. "Tomorrow the three of you are going to be interviewed by all the kingpins of the mob. How you do will determine if you're accepted & because you are my nephews I want you all to look good & honor me. I will help you as much as I can by preparing you with some good answers for the big shots."

"When they ask you what kind of car you own make sure you tell them its a Ferrari. They all know a good Italian sports car, fast and good for making a getaway."

"When they ask you what kind of a gun you own, make sure you tell them its a Berreta. Good Italian gun, powerful, accurate. They all own Berrettas."

"When they ask you the kind of knife you own make sure you say Stiletto. That's something made in Sicily & they'll love it. You'll make a big hit with them."

"Now this is very important, VERY important, MOST important. Listen & listen good. When you get married make sure you marry a woman with small hands, very important, small hands!!!"

The three nephews are taken aback & are looking at each other as if to say HUH! One of them finally gets the nerve to ask the Don: "We understand the car, the gun, the knife things but we don't understand the woman with the small hands. Could you tell us more?"

The Don answers, "If you marry a woman with BIG hands she'll make your pee-pee look small."

I was in the pub when Steve walked in all out of breath and sweat rolling down him.

"Hey Steve! What's up?" I said.

Steve grinned and said "Hey there's this chick outside, she's giving it to any guy who wants it! Free of charge! I can't believe it. She's damned good too."

"Woah!" I said "Really? Where is she?"

Steve pointed, "There, in the back of that Red Ford. Just knock on the window - she'll almost DRAG you in!"

I was getting kinda excited so I left my pint, went outside and walked up to the car. It was dark outside, I couldn't see hell anything. But the next thing I knew this chick was pulling me in and tearing my clothes off! Her hands were all over me, before long we were having mad rampant sex.

Suddenly a knock at the window, and a light shining in. I looked up and saw a police officer staring through the window.

"Damn" I said, pulling up my pants. "Um... hi officer" as I wound down the window.

"Wot's going on ere then?" asked the cop.

"Um... I'm just making love to my wife officer" I replied.

"Oh, sorry then Sir, sorry to disturb. I didn't know she was your wife."

"Neither did I until you shone that bloody torch in here!"

A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and, when the waitress asks for his order, says, "I want a quickie."

She slaps his face and asks, "Now would you please give me your order?"

Again, he says, "I want a quickie."

She slaps him again and says, "I'll give you one last chance; what do you want?"

Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, "I think it's pronounced QUICHE."

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

A man is out on the golf course enjoying his day off. He takes a swing at the ball and he slices off the fareway and into the rough into a patch of buttercups. He walks over, eyes the ball, and pulls out his iron preparing to crunch it out of the patch. Suddenly he stops in mid swing and thinks to himself "nah...i think ill spare all these nice looking buttercups" and he picks up his ball and throws it into the fareway so as not to damage the buttercups. In a mystic type aura on a magical breeze mother nature wisks over. Surprised, the man says, "who are you?" "I am mother nature" she replies. "and for saving my precious buttercups, I am granting you an unlimited supply of butter." The man huffs and retorts, "oh, thats real cool...where were you yesterday when i hit it in the patch of pussy willows!?"