KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

* I can remember when a protein was a complex organic compound. These days, it's a call girl too young to vote or drink.

* A profound philosophy of this "New Age" was reflected in the last will and testament of a once rather wealthy man. It read: "Being of sound mind, I spent most of my money on cars, boats, fine food and good whiskey. I also spent a good bit of it on women. What was left, I spent foolishly."

* And easy credit has ruined so many people in the US. I know a Yuppie in Columbia Maryland whose credit standing is soooo bad, his money isn't even accepted anywhere.

* Speaking of Columbia, lil' Johnny was so proud because he had the most parents at a recent school PTA meeting.

* The student was called into the high school counselor because all he was interested in was computers. "I even dream about computers." he told the man. "Don't you ever dream about girls ?" the student was asked. "Or cars ? Or sports ?" "I don't dare." replied the boy. "I might lose my turn at the terminal in the computer lab."

* And the weekend parties on this new era are something else. They start on Friday evening, and keep going until everyone gives in, gives up or gives out.

* And now that furs are back in vogue, Winter again becomes the season when gentleman befur blondes.

This is a tale of tight times in the military. Because of excessive budget constraints, the military housing shortage was very, very severe. It was so terrible that the troops were forced to domicile themselves in the large kitchen pots frequently used for making gelatin desserts. How did the drill sergeant respond to the recruit that complained about the situation? "WE ALL LIVE IN A JELLO-TUB, MARINE."

The base was quite far from "civilization" with the obvious result that the troops were forced to entertain themselves. One of the more popular pastimes was cardplaying. A large number of groups met regularly to indulge themselves. Bridge, poker, and gin rummy were played, but the most popular game by far was hearts. It happened that a few of the NCOs were not well liked by the troops. One in particular was unanomously hated. As a result, he was never invited to any of the card sessions. When he complained to the CO, it was decided to put a stop to the whole business with the following command: SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY. HEARTS CLUB BANNED.

Q: What has got 20 legs and an IQ of 80?

A: The 10 guys that keep reposting that stupid Kennedy/Sonny Bono song......:)

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. he booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life...at least till a hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. But for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he saw a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island, "she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.

But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat.

Before he was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed. "I can't take anymore coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went in to the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, was a razor make from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines -- strategically positioned -- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean," he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here too?"

IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD...

A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.

Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men.

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered "Macho".

Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

"Ms Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks".

Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.

Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry," "I love you," "You're beautiful," "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit," "Go to sleep-I'll take care of the baby," etc.

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.

All toilet seats would be nailed down.

Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year old boys.

Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

The solution to our traffic problem is simple: Take all the unpaid for cars off the roads.

My family is a riot. In fact, they put the "fun" in dysfunctional.

People used to ask my mother-in-law how old she was. She would say, "Can you keep a secret?" and they'd say, "Oh, yes!" She replied, "I can, too."

My ex-husband and I met in chemistry class, and now it's history.

When it's dry it burns, when it's wet is slides and other times it shakes. California is not a good place to live.

If someone is ruthless, can it be said that they lack ruth?

There should be a better way to make a living than by working.

Every time I think I can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends, and it's usually the IRS!

My life is like a Home Depot Store (a chain of super-large hardward store). I have everything, I just can't find it.

Do these people who spend all day in a "chat room" not have jobs?!

You might be a redneck if the diploma on your wall is from D.U.I school.

My father used to say to me as a child, "As you grow older, you'll find more mature ways of being immature."

There's a hell of a lot of things they didn't tell me when I hired on with this outfit.

This mornings story about the fellow who's 70-something mother wanted a tatoo reminded me of another family dialogue.

In this family there are middle-aged parents and two daughters, a college Sophomore and an 8th grader. The parents are delighted that the 8th grader _lets_ them come to her volleyball games because her older sister never wanted them there. The older sister said that her folks being there made her too nervous.

Well, the mom in the family is getting into the "volleyball-Mom" mode and just loves rooting for the daughter's team. Several other of the team's moms sport large booster buttons which feature the team's name and their own kid's picture. This mom would like such a button too!

Mom: But, why can't I get a big button, dear? My friend Jane has a big button she wears to all the games with HER daughter's picture on it!

DAUGHTER: Mother, (pregnant pause here) if Jane Jumped Off A Bridge Would YOU have to JUMP TOO?

Ya just gotta wonder where the kids pick up stuff like that!

Isn't modern technology great?

The other day I went to a strip bar with a couple of friends. One of the guys gets into his wallet and flashes a $10 bill at one of the dancers. When she came over to our table, he licked the bill and stuck it on her ass.

The second guy with us decided he didn't want to be out done so he took a $50 dollar bill, licked it and stuck it to her other butt cheek.

Now the pressure was on me. As the dancer made her way towards me, I reached in my wallet and discovered all I had was a $5 bill.

Not to be outdone, however, I grabbed my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the $60 dollars and went home!

Perinatologists at the University of Belfast (U.K.) recently reported studying the movements of 39 fetuses by ultrasound during the 4th month of gestation (l6th to 20th weeks) spending 3 hours watching each infant. Their major finding: Female fetuses open and close their mouths much more frequently than male fetuses.

1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.

2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.

3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.

4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.

5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.

6. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.

7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.

8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.

9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French.

10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.

11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.