KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A distant cousin of Syngman Rhee from Korea got a job as a photographer for Life Magazine. His work was excellent and he soon became one of their top stars, One day he failed to show up for work. A week went by and he still did not show. Fellow workers phoned his hotel and checked all possible points where he could be visiting. Finally, they organized a posse and began combing the city block by block. One searcher entered a bar in th slinky part of town, and there, on a stool, was his man. Overcome with joy and relief, the searcher rushed up and exclaimed, SWEET MR. RHEE, OF LIFE, AT LAST I FOUND YOU.

The Israeli police were looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa. The suspect was described as the son of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father. He was a former flutist, and he worked occasionally as a farmer. In short, he was "A HAIFA-LOOTIN', FLUTIN' TEUTON, SON-OF-A-NUN FROM BARCELONA, PART-TIME PLOWBOY JOE."

Capt. Ferdinand Feghoot, the famous interplanetary explorer, had arrived at Planet Pearl to pay his respects to its queen, the renowned Mother of Pearl. As was typical, she was the largest and shiniest Pearl on the planet. Unfortunately, word reached him that the queen was very distraught. Her most trusted adviser Micheal, a lawyer, was committing suicide by walking into the Ammonia Sea. The suicide was a slow one because it would take weeks for Micheal to dissolve. Capt. Feghoot rushed to the queen to comfort her, and to offer his aid in recovering Micheal. He in turn found out that the reason Micheal was committing suicide was because his complexion, unlike that of the other Pearls, was pitted and pock marked. Efforts to find Micheal and convince him to come back were in vain. Ferdinand was sure he could find Micheal and bring him back. Sure enough, several days later he walked back up to the queen carrying Micheal on his shoulder. The queen was overjoyed. "How did you do it !?!", said the Queen. "It was easy.", replied Feghoot, "I simply took off my shoes and walked around on the beach by the sea and when I felt something rough between my toes, I knew I had found Micheal.""I don't understand", replied the queen. "Simple. I just kept singing over and over to myself, "A GRITTY PEARL IS MICHEAL, L.L.D.

Long ago, in a small country in Europe, one family had for centuries made all the bells for the churches in the village. Finally, only one member of the bell-making family was left, and he was also the mayor of the town. Feeling threatened by competition, the mayor decreed that no wedding bells might be rung in the village unless they were made by him. He enforced this rule strictly and became known as the Wedding-Bell Czar. One couple decided to marry without using the czar's bells. They had a friend who owned an ancient Chinese gong, and they used it instead. Shortly after the wedding, a fearsome noise was heard coming from the gong-owner's home. The bride and groom rushed to investigate. "Whatever does that noise mean?" they cried. "It means," said their friend, wringing his hands, "THAT WEDDING-BELL CZAR'S BREAKING UP THAT OLD GONG OF MINE."

When Fidel sent the invitation to the Pope to come to visit the island, he told him that everything would be fixed up so that the Holy Father could celebrate Mass in an appropriate way.

"We have just ordered a new crucifix for the cathedral to be installed by the time you get here. One of the highest quality, too. The brand name is INRI!"

16. Are you sure that Al Gore started this way?

15. If this leaks out, I'll be ruined.

14. If this doesn't leak out, *I'll* be ruined.

13. If I could convince Hillary to do that just once....

12. Now you know why they call me 'Slick Willie'.

11. You are a White House intern; Well, now it's your turn.

10. I knew that a lot of things came across your desk, I just never thought that I would be one of them.

9. Somehow, I don't think that alan Greenspan would explain inflation that way.

8. I've always said, "I want to be a 'hands-on' president."

7. what do you mean 'falsie inspection. I don't remember a no falsies clause in my contract.

6. When you asked me to look at the presidential pole, I thought you meant the latest Gallup Survey.

5. I thought that all of those notches in your desk were from Sox sharpening his claws.

4. Are you *sure* it's in?

3. When you said that you had your finger on the pulse of the nation, this isn't exactly what i thought you meant.

2. "maybe Chelsea can hook me up with some of those sorority babes."

And the number 1 thing overheard coming from the oval Office...

1. If you think that's 8 inches, I can see why you thought your last budget was balanced.

"Hey Bill, I've got a perfect defense for your problem", says Vernon Jordan.

"Oh yeah, what's that Vernon?", asks Bill.

Vernon excitedly says, "Well you remember when you were being pressed about smoking pot and you told everyone that you didn't inhale?"

Bill replied, "Yeah so what?"

"Well you convinced everyone that you didn't actually smoke pot, so if we can convince Monica to say she didn't swallow...we've got a perfect defense".

A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bars are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone is understandably silent.

He then chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is silent, again.

Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question:
Would you sleep with Bill Clinton 97% gave the reply, Never Again!

Before you read the following test, decide what your favorite color is. No looking ahead or changing your mind, either. Got it? Ok, read on...

Your Favorite Color is the Key to Your Sexual Life

RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.

YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow. But don't panic -- not everyone who wears yellow is gay. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.

PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.

PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.

BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of mobsters and teenage gangs is black attire.

GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.

ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back.

BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.

GREY: The color grey a preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer grey look at sex as a way of relieving tension -- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the grey spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a grey marries another grey, the marriage is made in heaven.

BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners, affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a babygrand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than fiery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate -- never seeking outside interests.

WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight in unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals.

MY COLOR IS PLAID !!

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME:

Show up naked.

1. Home is where you hang your @

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust.

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There's no place like http://www.home.com

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.

He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. It do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"