KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

* Woman driver to Highway Patrolman: "If you must know, I was speeding to get off your radar screen."

* Columbia Yuppette to Howard County Policeman: "Are you supposed to warn me of my rights, or am I supposed to tell you that my nephew is the County Executive ?"

* A sweet "Everybody's Grandmother" type elected to stand trial for a ticket she received. The officer charged her with failure to proceed without due caution through an intersection controlled by a flashing yellow traffic signal. At the trial, she told the judge: "I've always hurried thru that intersection to get out of the way of reckless drivers."

* Woman driver to traffic cop: "Does this ticket cancel the one I got earlier this morning ?"

* A knock-out blonde was driving thru Washington DC and made an illegal left turn. The traffic cop had to blow his whistle vigorously and repeatedly before she finally stopped. "Didn't you hear my whistle lady ?" he demanded. Wide-eyed and innocent, the blonde batted her eyelashes and said, "Yes indeed I did. But I never flirt while driving."

* Ticket writing motorcycle policeman to Yuppette in a Corvette: "Perhaps you weren't doing a hundred. However, I'm going to reward you for giving it a good try."

* A stewardess, stopped for doing 80, told the officer: "I can't understand it. I must have had a 20 mile-an-hour tailwind."

Q: What do you get Bill for his birthday?
A: Candy. He already had Flowers

A Polish guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You rat," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. he's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher has him go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room.
Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
I thought i told you to call your mom, she says. I did, he says, and she told me that if i could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

Bill & George were down on their luck and hanging out for a cold drink or three. After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents, Bill came up with a brilliant strategy.

"I'll take the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free!"

Quickly, he went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in George's fly.

They then went to a nearby hotel. "Two beers", said Bill to the bartender. They downed them as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the money. All of a sudden, Bill got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of George's fly. "Get out of my pub, you filthy poofters!", the bartender screamed and booted them out the door.

They did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs, or more.

"I just can't do this anymore", Bill whined. "My knees are getting sore from kneeling down on the floor so much."

"It's all right for you", George replied. "We lost the sausage after the third pub."

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Max, the schlemiel, can't find a job. He finally applies for a job as a janitor at the Catholic Church. They decide to give him a trial run and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work here. After a week, he is told, "Max, things are working out fine. I just have a few corrections. First, when you wash your hands, use the bathroom, don't use the holy water. Second, when you hang your coat up, use the cloakroom, do not hang it on the cross. Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!"

Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the rabbi of a local synagogue if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits. When they finished the job they called the rabbi outside to look at their work. "It looks wonderful," the rabbi said and as he started to hand them the check a small raincloud appeared. All at once there was lightning and thunder and the temple area was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the synagogue the paint started running.

Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven said ... "Repaint and thin no more."

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

10.. When you visit, they sing, "We're in the money, we're in the money..."

9.. They have one hypodermic for each patient...and use it every year.

8.. The x-ray machine is an intern with a flashlight.

7.. No-one speaks English.

6.. The date on the medicine bottle does not exist...it was printed before the "new" laws took effect.

5.. They take your temperature and ask you drop your pants first...

4.. You have a severe coronary, and they give you an appointment in two weeks.

3.. The podiatrist is the same guy who loaded your bags at the airport.

2.. The diplomas on the wall are all from a local high school and include a 7th grade science project award.

1.. Patients check in, but you have not seen anyone leave...