KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A woman woke up and told her husband of her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10."

Husband: " What about one my size?"

Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"

Hurt and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd had a dream too: "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10."

Wife: "What about ones like mine?"

Husband: "That's where they held the auction."

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".

The first nun says "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.

The second says "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.

The third says "I want to be Sara Pipalini".

St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

St Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men'!"

Policeman to blonde driver he has just flagged down:

"I've stopped you, Miss, because your silencer has gone."

Blonde: "How can you tell it's gone?"

Officer: "I can hear it, Miss."

Blonde, after some thought: "How can you hear it if it has gone?"

A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's penis was a little too small so they took him to the doctor. They expressed their concerns to the doctor. The doctor said to feed the little boy lots of toast.
The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack of toast. When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says, "Take the top two slices. The rest are for your father."

A man dies and to his dismay goes to Hell. The Devil was taking him through, showing him around. "Down here, there are several rooms to stay in for eternity," says the Old Red One, "I'll just take you around to see which one you'd want to stay in." They stop at one room where there are people standing up to their chins in shit. The man shakes his head to the Devil and they continue on. The next room contains people standing waist-high in shit. Again, the man shakes his head, so they continue on. As they walk to the next room, the Devil says, "This is the last room, better make your decision, I've got more people to take on the tour." They stop in front of the last room and there are people standing knee high in shit. The man says, "This looks to be the most promising, I guess I'll stay here, then." So the Devil leaves him in the room. About 20 minutes of standing around in shit, the attending Demon in the room yells out, "OK EVERYBODY! ON YOUR HEADS!"

Did you know that Hillary Clinton just wrote a new book?
It's titled, "It Takes a Village to Satisfy My Husband"

Did you hear? Gore is only one orgasm away from the presidency.

Q: What were Clinton's fist words to Paula Jones at the deposition?
A: "So now you open your mouth!"

Clinton: I'm only as old as the woman I feel.

The reason First Lady wears the pants in the house is because the President can't never keep his on!

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up their car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.

They exchanged hellos and then the White House couple went on their way. As they were driving on to their final destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would now be the wife of a service station owner."

She smirked and replied, "No! If I had stayed with him, HE would be the President of the United States TODAY!"

Is it true that President Clinton's favorite movie is "Free Willy"?

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

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24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres

23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton

22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert

21. Human Rights Advances in China

20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman

19. Al Gore: The Wild Years

18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

17. America's Most Popular Lawyers

16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors

15. Detroit - A Travel Guide

14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"

13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

12. Easy UNIX

11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance

10. Everything Men Know About Women

9. Everything Women Know About Men

8. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel

5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

3. Staple Your Way to Success

2. The Amish Phone Directory

And the 1 World's Shortest Book:

1. French Hospitality

A Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Shul in New York when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He's an old man with a cane and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street a man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the Rabbi. "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi places his hand on his shoulder and says, "May G-d bless you."

The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.

Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife who asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbis hat and was blessed by him and the went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names. "So where's the money," she says?

"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."

"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat."

"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmuka."

Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as "natural causes".

Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Her father panic stricken stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"