KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

The blond immediately opens her purse and frantically touches up her makeup. The hispanic woman say, "What are you doing? We're going to crash! We're not going to a party!"

The blond answers, "I know, but I heard that they always save the beautiful people first in a crash."

The hispanic woman then goes through her purse and puts on every bit of jewelry she has and puts on the beautiful new sweater she was taking to her mother as a gift.

The black woman see this and asks, "Girl, are you crazy? What are you doing?"

The hispanic woman says, "I heard, that in a crash, they always look for the rich people first."

The black woman then jumps up and removes her skirt and panties. The other two women ask her what she is doing.

"I don't know where you two get your information, but when I see a plane crash on the news, the most important thing is finding the black box!"

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

1. You can have a fart in a restaurant.
2. Farts don't cause cancer.
3. You can never run out of farts.
4. The price of a fart won't go up.
5. There is no tax on farts.
6. Friends are always willing to share them with you.
7. Farts are available to minors.
8. You can fart underwater.
9. Farts don't leave stains on your fingers or lips.
10. Farts aren't related to bad breath.
11. You don't need an ashtray to fart.
12. Farts won't make you cough.
13. You can fart on Public Transport.
14. You can fart in bed without fear of falling asleep and burning the house down.
15. You don't need to take you hands off the steering wheel to fart.
16. No body ever tries to bludge a fart of you in the pub.
17. Farts don't have Government Health warnings on them.
18. Farts have no affect on unborn Babies.
19. Farts don't have to be lit to be enjoyed.
20. You don't need a pocket to keep your farts in.
21. There's no anti-farting laws.
22. After a fart there is no butt to dispose of.
23. You can fart while exercising.
24. You get a variety with each fart.
25. Careless farters haven't been known to start bushfires.

Smokes are easier to light than farts.!!

VASELINE AND '68 VETTE

This man is driving through the country side when he comes across a sign advertising a car for sale. The sign catches his eye because it says the car runs on Vaseline. He goes up to the seller who takes him back to his barn and uncovers a red '68 Corvette."Its beautiful. Does it really run on Vaseline?", the man asks. "Yes, it does", replies the farmer who proves this by opening the lid to the Vaseline tank and inserting his arm. When he removes his arm it is covered with Vaseline. "Can I give it a test drive." "Sure, but its kind of low on Vaseline so don't go too far or too fast. The man jumps in and hits the open road. He shifts through the gears effortlessly and is over 100 mph in no time. But a few miles later the Corvette sputters and stalls. It is out of Vaseline.

Meanwhile, at a nearby farm house a family is just finishing dinner. The wife is proud of the effort she put into preparing the meal and suggests that she should not have to do the dishes. The older daughter says she has a date and cannot do the dishes. The younger daughter says she cannot do the dishes because she has homework to do. The father says he is the man of the house and should not have to the dishes either. The father suggests, "Lets all go to the living room and the first person that says a word has to do the dishes."

The family goes to the living room and becomes silent. At this time the man on the test drive knocks on the farm house door. After no answer he knocks again. He then sees the family through the window and enters the house. "I knocked, but no one answered. What's up?" The family remained silent. At this time the man saw the leftovers on the dinner table and asked the family if he could help himself. The family remained silent. The man began to eat and checked the refrigerator. He asked the family if he could have some beer. There was no answer so he helped himself. After a couple beers he noticed the oldest daughter and asked if he could have sex with her. No one protested so he took her to a bedroom and had sex with her. He returned, had a couple more beers, and asked if he could have sex with the younger daughter, which he did when there was no answer. He had a few more beers and the wife was starting to look attractive. He asked the father if he could have sex with his wife and the farmer did not respond. So the man had sex with the farmer's wife. By now it was getting late and the man realized he must be on his way. He returned to the living room and asked if the family had any Vaseline.

"Alright, alright. I'll do the damn dishes!!", said the father.

It seems that a man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.

A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my penis out, go, and return to work. Since I don't actually touch myself, there's no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!

". . . On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again...". The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". . . On the road again . . ."

The M.A. is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy asked.

"Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!"

A hare-lipped man walks into a Department Store carrying a help wanted sign. He states: "I'nd like to apply for the job, plead!"

To which the store owner replies: "Do you have any experience selling Tooth Brushes?"

"Nope!" says the hare-lip.

"Well OK," says the owner, "I'm in a hurry so I'll give you a shot. I'll be back at closing." And he leaves.

At closing the store owner comes back and asks the hare-lipped fellow "How many tooth brushes did you sell?"

The hare-lip replies.."I thold one tooth bruth"

"Just ONE?" exclaims the owner, "That will never do. Let's see how well you do tomorrow, I'll be back at closing"

The next day at closing time the owner shows up at the store and asks the hare-lip how many tooth brushes he sold that day. The hare-lip replies "I thold one Tooth Bruth."

The owner is very upset at this news and says, "One tooth brush will never do, I'm afraid I'll have to let you go."

To which the hare-lip replies "Oh No, plead don't let me go. Give me one more chanth, I gno I can do beddur."

So the owner gives him one more day and leaves. The next day the owner returns to his store only to find thousands of empty tooth brush crates laying all over. He turns to the man and says, "My Lord! How many Tooth Brushes did you sell today?"

The hare-lip replies, "I sold three thouthand three hundred and thirty three Tooth Bruthes!"

"My, how on earth did you do that?" replies the store owner.

"Well you thee," replies the hare-lip, "I went out into the mall and thet up thith table, and on one thide I put thom chipth, and on the other thide I put thome dipth. Then I put a big thine behind the table that read: 'Free Chipth & Dipth' Then the people they came and first they picked up a chipth then they dipth it in the dipth and then they ate it."

"Is that all?" replied the owner.

"Well no," said the hare-lip, "after they ate it they would reply: 'Hey thith stuff tathed like shit!' and then I would thay, 'It ith,... wanna buy a Tooth Bruth?!?!?!?'"

Think about this....................

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinaited by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were know by their three names.
Both names compromise fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

A hippie on a city bus notices a young nun sitting across from him and at once finds himself very attracted to her. He moves to sit with her and after telling her that she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, he asks her to dinner.

The nun declines, and the hippie proceeds to invite the nun for "perhaps a roll in the hay". The nun, of course, declines the offer and gets off at the next stop.

The hippie, offended and very disappointed, strikes up a conversation with the bus driver. The driver leans over and says to the hippie,

"You really want that nun, huh?"

After the hippie nods emphatically and demonstrates his point with several lewd gestures, the driver grins and thinks for a moment.

"Well, " he says, "Every Thursday at six PM she takes this bus to the local cemetery, where she prays for about an hour. You two could be alone there..."

The hippie grows excited as he thinks of a plan.

Thursday comes and the hippie waits by the entrance to the cemetery. Sure enough, at six PM he sees the nun enter and he quietly follows her. She stops and kneels by a headstone and clasps her hands in prayer.

The eager hippie opens his knapsack, and puts on his costume---a long flowing white robe and a bearded face mask. He tosses a handful of glitter at the nun and catching her attention, he steps slowly towards her.

"My child" he says in a soft voice, "It is I, your lord. You have been such a faithful servant to me, I have come to reward you with a satisfying sexual experience."

The nun gasps, "Oh....Well, that is fine, but could you take me from behind?

At least that way I could still consider myself a virgin. My vow of celibacy is important to me."

The hippie, eager to get going nods and takes the nun in his arms. He turns her around, bends her over, and performs anal sex until they are both pleasantly worn out.

After they are finished, the hippie pulls off his mask and shouts...

"HAHA, I'M THE HIPPIE!!!"

to which the nun responds by taking off his mask and shouting...

"HAHA, I'M THE BUS DRIVER!!!"

A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.

On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."

The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."

The bride responds...

"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."

"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."

"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was.................God I miss him!"