| 611. prostitutes
There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you do tonight, dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good" replied the daughter,"I only got 20 dollars for a blow job" "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 5 dollars!" "Good God!" Said the Grandmother, "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!" 612. going mad ?? check this out !! The Warning Signs Of Insanity -Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer. -Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from. -You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog... around the bathroom. -You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write. -Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it. -You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits. -You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations. -Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death. -People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl. -Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day. -You laugh out loud during funerals. -When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!" -Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask. -You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge. -You have meaningful conversations with your toaster. -Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion. -You collect dead windowsill flies. -Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!" -You like cats. Especially with mayo. -You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things. -You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion. -You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued. -You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch. -Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards. -You have a predominant fear of fabric softener. -You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn. -Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons. -Melba toast excites you. -When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears." -You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you. -Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today." -You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes. -Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia. -Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!" -You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease. -You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk. -You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it. -You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough) -People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry. -You like reading lists like this. 613. F*ckwords........not for youngsters Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English Language today is the word "Fuck". It is one of the magical words, which just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate. In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb (John fucked up my car), an adverb (Mary fucking puked on my couch), as a noun (John is a stupid fuck), as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful), and as punctuation (What a weekend fuck). As you can see, there are very few words with the versatility of "Fuck". Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
Greetings How the fuck are you! The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history:
Where the fuck is all that water coming from? -Captain of the Titanic 614. startrek chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? [Star Trek version] Chakotay: Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness. Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it. Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir. Worf: KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads. HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off! Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe. Dr. Soran: His heart just wasn't in it. (Scenes of chicken torture with nanoprobes have been edited out.) Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre. Odo: I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault. Quark: Who, me? Charlie X: Because it didn't want to STAY...STAY...STAY... Kirk: You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD, you killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son! Troi: I feel the chicken's pain! Kira: It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians. Bones: Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist! Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of...yes, sir. Dr. Bashir: It probably heard about my amazing medical skills not to mention my sexual prowess and came to get some pointers. The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated. Hugh the Borg: Maybe it just needed a big hug! B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer! Picard: There are four lights! Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer. Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir? Tasha: That depends...was it fully functional? Chekov: It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time..did I scream this time? Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken... Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission. Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing. Harvey Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding. Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog. Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock! Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc! Spock: Fascinating, Captain. V'Ger: To join with the Creator. The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing! Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction. Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them! O'Brien: No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it. Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and... Sisko: It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we've learned from all this? Jake: Check out the babe that just came off that transport! Geordi: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with women than I do. Sulu: Don't call me Tiny! Sarek: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned. Mr. Homn: Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue, and then there's... Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous. Gene Roddenberry: To boldly go where no chicken had gone before. 615. beverly hillbillies To the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies Y'all know the tune... The Computer Hillbillies
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed UNIX, that is... CRTs... Workstations...
Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer Intel, that is... dry heat... no amusement parks...
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs... Y'all come back now... ya hear' 616. loudly A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor." Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up." 617. three men.... Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man came up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day," he replies. "You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that it sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..." 618. Winning the lottery
A guy wins the lottery and runs home. 619. Good choose
The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey--Nice bike! 620. Unfaithful Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly inter- rupted, "don't talk." But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you." Jake stroked her hand. "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?" |