| 641. What's buggin'ya? There were two friends in Russia. Both of them were drunks. One of them was happy, while another sad. The happy one asked the other: "Tell me, what's buggin' ya?" "You see, when I come home drunk, my wife locks a door. I have to walk the streets for many hours, and get into trouble with police. They want to get rid off me at work. Nothing to cheer about." "You know, I had that problem in the past, but found a solution. I am undressing naked at the stairways, press a bell button. When my wife opens a door, I throw my clothes inside. She is affraid of the scandal, so she lets me in." "You know, I gonna try it." Few weeks later they meet again and the sad guy is even worse than usual. "What happend? Did you try my method?" "Let me tell you. I undressed, pressed the button. The door opened. I threw all of my clothes, the doors closed. And then I heard: The next station - Red Square" 642. Research on frogs A Polish scientist was doing research on frogs. He laid a frog on a table, slammed his hand on the table, then yelled, "Jump!" The frog jumped. Next, he removed one front leg, yelled "Jump!" and again the frog jumped. He removed another front leg and repeated the procedure. This time the frog jumped with difficulty. Finally, he removed the last two remaining legs, slammed his hand on the table, and yelled. "Jump!" The poor frog remained still. The doctor wrote in his notes, "It is scientifically proven that when a frog's legs are removed, it goes deaf." 643. A woman reporter A woman reporter went to an indian tribe for an interview with the Chief. As they sat speaking of how the days progress she asked him, "So, what do you do on an average, normal day from the time you wake till you go to sleep at night?" The Cheif replied, "Hmmm, me wakum up, smokum peace pipe, huntum animals then fuckum young squaws." "Oh DEAR!" replied the reporter. To which the chief responded, "Oh no, no fuckum deer..run too fast, ass too high!" 644. A Scotsman and an Englishman There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The to the floor clutching himself howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg." 645. Meeting the chief ---A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says,
"I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The
cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear,
then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a
naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!" 646. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. 647. Russian scientist
A prominent Russian scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon
giving her a verbal command ("Jump!"). In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her
to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: 648. In a Chicago bar A Pollack came to Chicago's bar and ordered a drink. The news was on, there was a guy standing on a ledge of the top floor of a Sears Tower, ready to jump. So Pollack yelled to bartender: "Hey buddy, I gonna bet ya 20 bucks, he ain't gonna jump." The bartender accepted the challenge. Thirty minutes later the 'Sears guy' jumped. So, Pollack removed $20 and put it on a counter. The bartender told him to keep his money because: "an hour earlier I have seen the news, and I knew that he would jump, so it would not be fair to keep your money" and Pollack replied: "Keep the money, you won. I watched the same news an hour ago, but I could not believe he would jump for the second time" 649. The happiest day of his live Members of different nations discussed the happiest day of their lives. The Frenchman said that the happiest day of his live would be when he meets a pretty young lady, who will become his lover, would be always nice to him, be available day or night... The American said, that it would be when he inherits his family business. And after making successful strategic changes in his organization, the stock value of the company raises five points on a market. And than the Russian said: "When I hear heavy kicking to my doors at 3:00 am." "Petrov?!" "No, next floor!" 650. A very attractive lady A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink. The polish guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me." The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that." "What do you mean?" yells the polish guy, "Send her the drink!" "O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea." "And why not?" asks the polish guy. The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian." "I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy. So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?" |