| 631. ABC's of Ex-Boyfriends
A is for Asshole, which is what attracted you to him in some odd, mystifying, "I know he'll change for me" kind of way. He didn't. B is for Beavis & Butthead. It's what you lost his attention to every night. That and Singled Out. He said he really liked to see people together and as happy as the two of you were. You knew it was just Jenny McCarthy's Boobies C is for Cunt. His mother, in other words D is for Dildo, something that always performed on command and never came before you. Besides, since you've Ditched him, you and your toys have gotten to know each other pretty well, on a first name basis, as a matter of fact. Dan the Dildo. D is also for Dick, something that you were not getting but pretty sure someone else was so you resorted to Dan. E is for Elephant. They never forget. Maybe next time you'll go out with an Elephant. F is for Faking it, which you had to do on several occasions. Remember when you were a sophomore in high school and you were dating the college guy that really knew how to make you scream? Wonder if you can track him down via the Internet? G is for Gut, which he developed after drinking so much beer. H is for Hell. Obviously it was Heaven to be with him, you wouldn't have left. Although Hell would insinuate that he could get you Hot, which he rarely attempted after three months of being together. I is for Indigo Girls. His actions caused you to resort to listening to music...a lot of music. You chose the Indigo Girls and now you are a lesbian. J is for Juicy Fruit gum, which is what your relationship was like. So wonderful in the beginning, fresh and new....he was so sweet. Then after a short while he turned into a small grey lump with absolutely no flavor. K is for Kelly. The girl that was supposed to be an Irish GUY that he was hanging out with at the bar after work. This was not the case when you found two pairs of Victoria's Secret thong - back lace panties with "Kelly's" name in one and "Shelly's" in the other. Assume they were twin brothers, right? L is for Lust. You Lust for Antonio Banderas and then go visit your buddy Dan. M stands for Murder One. You could get a double life sentence for this - he really isn't worth it. M also stands for Marriage. The Mention of Marriage may have been what made him run like hell. Men, when found in their natural habitat, are afraid of the committment beast. N stands for Nice guys get None. Guess what? After this asshole, Nice guys get Nothing but Nookie. O is for Over it. This made you throw him out, general disgust. It could have been the belching, the laziness, or the farting noises in the armpits, but the nose-picking in bed was a little too much. P is for Pissed off. All of your girlfriends are pissed off at him, just because girls like to stick together. Q is for Quickly. Kelly and Shelly must have run quickly away when they heard your car pull up in the driveway and he mentioned that you did carry a gun. R is for Right. Women are always Right. R is also for Rules. Men break them. So should we. S is for Sex. Remember that? T is for Tongue. If he's smart, he won't try to slip anything in your mouth at this point if he intends on keeping it. U is for Underwear. Not only did he forget Kelly and Shelly's, but he would leave his skidmarked ones in the bathroom all the time. V is for Venezuela. That's where you shipped Kelly in Shelly. In five neatly compacted parcels. W is for Whine. He did an awful lot of that for Sex when he came home at three in the morning reeking of alcohol and "lost" his key. (You later found it at Kelly and Shelly's house) X is for Xavier Roberts. You know, the multi-millionaire that got rich by creating Cabbage Patch dolls? Maybe you should track him down. Money makes PMS (putting up with Men's shit) a lot easier. Y is for Yak's breath, which seemed like a much better option than the stench that would come from his mouth in the morning. Z is for Zoro. What the hell? Tonto can join in on the fun if he wants. 632. couple There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter! After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!! He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!! 633. punchlines without jokes The Top 15 Punchlines Without Jokes
15) ...and Ms. Reno says, "Yeah, and it's DEEP, too!" and the Number 1 Punchline Without a Joke... 1) ...then Cathy Lee says, "What do you mean there's no such thing as Tuesday Night Football?!" 634. johnnie and salami Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k." His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..." 635. moo juice A guy from a city once went to go see his old collage pal who lived on a farm. One morning the city slicker got up early and decided to fix breakfast for his friends family. By the time he got from the pasture to the hose his friend was up so the guy from the city decided to show his friend what he got. When he walked into the kitchen the farmer looked at him. The city guys face was covered in a white liquid and he had a bucket full of this white stuff. The city guy said, "I milked the cow for you this morning." The farmer replied, "I don’t have a cow. I have a bull!" 636. price os things
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. 637. shorties
Q: Did you know that there is a food out there that will stop a woman from wanting sex? If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur? A: Mega-sore-ass. Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A: A Lickalotopus. Q: What is the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bathtub? A: One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole! Q: Why do men always give their penis a name? A: Because they don't want a stranger making 95 percent of their decisions for them. The Chinese couple has just crawled into bed. Within minutes, the man had his hand under the sheets and was stroking her lovingly and gently. "Ah, so--what is it you want?" she asked him in a low sultry voice. "How about 69?" the man grunted back. The woman bolted upright in the bed and asked, "What? Beef and broccori this late at night?" This kid is playing on the street one day when this stranger pulls up in his car. The stranger says "psssssst! Hey kid!" The kid says "yes?" And the stranger says, "Kid, I'll give a piece of candy to come in my car." The kid replies, "Give me the whole damn bag and I'll come in your mouth!" 638. get down (under) After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman." He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!" 639. men bashing What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? The man. What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature. What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home. How are men like noodles? They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. Why do men like BMWs? They can spell it. What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them. Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Why are men and spray paint alike? One squeeze and they're all over you. Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Why is food better than men? Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds. Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay. Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes. Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5,000 miles, whichever came first. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, men will screw anything. Why do men have a hole in their penis? So oxygen can get to their brains. What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink. What do ceramic tile and men have in common? If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life! 640. Who's Easy: A Statistical Analysis of Promiscuity This is on page 60 of the May 1997 issue of Details magazine. For you guys, it's the one with Tyra Banks on the cover. Who's Easy: A Statistical Analysis of Promiscuity 70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none. Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women. Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't. Women with a Ph.D are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree. Women who went to collage are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts. National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels. In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation. Women who have a postive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented. White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for Black girls. Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't. Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians. Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record. Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date. Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate. Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex. White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex. 20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner. (So, you know what this means? Yup. All you guys have to go looking for a half Aussie/half Latino Atheist with a Ph.D, wearing a low neckline, high heels, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbra Cartland, and who lived with her single mom! Shouldn't be too hard. |