| 661.Little Johnny "Mum," says little Johnny, "Sharon and Dave were fighting an eel last night." "What do you mean?" asks his mum thinking he must have had a dream about his big sister and her boyfriend. "Well," says Johnny, "I was sneaking down to the fridge last night when I saw them. They were hugging with most of the lights off when Sharon's face started to go a bit funny. Dave must have known this because he put his hand up her blouse to feel her heart. It took him a long time to find it and by this time he was sick too because he looked hot and his face was funny. His other hand was getting cold, I know that because he put it up her skirt. Then I saw what was making them sick. This big eel had got into Dave's jeans . I know it worried them because when it sprang out, Sharon sat back on the couch and said, 'Oh bloody hell, it's huge.' Dave grabbed her hair and she tried to bite its head off but soon she made a noise and let it go. It must have bitten her back. Sharon grabbed it tight and held it with both hands and Dave got something out of his pocket. I couldn't see that bit too well but it looked like he was trying to tie it up. They had a go at killing it but the eel put up a hell of a fight. Sharon got her legs round it, better than world wrestling that grip she had, and Dave was bouncing up and down on top trying to crush it. They were really getting a good sweat on and moaning and stuff. In the end, Dave gave his huge grunt and it all stopped. The eel was lying there when he rolled off. Sharon must have been scared by this because Dave had to cuddle and kiss her a bit to bring her round. He felt for her heart again to check she was alright but just when she'd started to mumble a bit, bugger me if that eel didn't stand up again. The eel didn't seem to have as much energy but it didn't half struggle and in the end Sharon did Dave's job. She sat on it and bounced up and down for about half an hour, the sweat was rolling off her, and she kept gasping hard for breath and moaning and everything, Dave had to keep checking her heart but he couldn't remember which side of her chest it was and he kept reaching for both sides. It took ages but this time they reall did kill the thing. I know that because right afterwards, Dave skinned it and flushed it away." 662. In a restaraunt This lady goes to a restaraunt and orders a scoop of vanilla ice cream, a scoop of strawberry ice cream and a scoop of chocolate ice cream and the waiter says, "Mam, we have no chocolate." So the lady says that's okay she will have a vanilla milk shake, a strawberry milk shake and a chocolate milk shake. Once again the waiter tells her "Mam, we have no chocolate!" And once again the lady changes her order and says she will have vanilla cake, strawberry cake, and chocolate cake. This time the waiter is mad and shouts "Mam, we have no chocolate. Let me try to explain this to you. Do you see the word van in the word vanilla?" The lady replies, "Yes." The waiter then asks her if she sees the word straw in the word strawberry and she once again replies yes. Then he asks her if she sees the word fuck in the word chocolate and the lady says "There's no fuck in chocolate." And the waiter exclaims, "Exactly! THERE'S NO FUCKIN CHOCOLATE!!!!!!" 663. Superman One sunny afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman's house. Supe: "Hey Spidey, let's go get a burger and a beer!". Spidey: "No can do, Supe. I've got a problem with my Web-shooter. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it". So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's up. Supe: "Hey, Batman! Let's go get a burger and a beer!". Batman: "Not today, my friend. My BatMobile is down and it must be fixed today. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it". Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air, cruising around the skies when he flies over a penthouse apartment. And what to his SuperVision does he see, but none other than WonderWoman, lying on the deck, spread-eagle, stark-naked! Supe gets a brilliant idea: "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her Wonder Powers". So he zzoooooommms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!" 664. Little Tommy Little Tommy was spending the weekend with his grandpa. On Saturday afternoon, Tommy walked into the study to see his grandpa lighting up a cigar. "Grandpa! Grandpa!" says Tommy. "Can I have some of your cigar?" "Well," says Grandpa."Does your penis touch your asshole?" "No, grandpa, it doesn't." "Then you're not a man yet. Ask me again when you're a man," says Grandpa. Tommy, disappointed, goes off to play in the backyard. Sunday afternoon, Tommy and his grandpa have just finished lunch. Grandpa gets up and pours himself some bourbon. "Grandpa! Grandpa!" exclaims Tommy. "Can I have some of your whiskey?" Grandpa sits back in his chair, leans back and takes a long guzzle before answering. "Well, grandson," says Grandpa. "Does your penis touch your asshole?" Tommy bows his head and says,"No Grandpa, it doesn't." "Well, son," says Grandpa. "You're not a man yet. Come back and ask me when you're a man." By now little Tommy is extremely bored with the whole situation. He decides to go to the corner store, where he manages to purchase a scratch-and-win lottery ticket. He scratches, and finds that he has just won two million dollars. Thrilled, he runs back to Grandpa's house. "Grandpa! Grandpa!" shouts Tommy. "I just won two million dollars!" Grandpa bounces out of his chair, spilling bourbon all over the floor. "Well now, son," says Grandpa. "Are you going to share some of that with your Grandpa?" "Well Grandpa," says Tommy. "Does your penis touch your asshole?" Grandpa smiles confidently and says,"Why yes, Tommy, it does!" "Well," says Tommy. "Then go fuck yourself!" 665. A drawing A third grade teacher came in to the room one day and found a drawing of a penis on the blackboard. She suspiciously looked at her students but didn't say anything. Instead, she rubbed it off. The next day, she came in and saw another drawing of an even bigger penis on the board. She frowns and rubs it off. The third day, she came in and saw another penis drawn on the board. This time, it's huge, covering up almost half of the space. She couldn't take it anymore so she screams out to the room full of noisy children, "Why do you kids like drawing this penis on the board? And why is it getting bigger each day?" Little Johnny then screams out back to her, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets." 666.The Cold North Because of our North location, we often get asked about the amount of snow we have and the temperatures up here. I compiled this little log of weather events so that you might get an idea of how things are here.
Nov. 3/94
Nov 10/94
Nov 15/94
Nov 25/94
Dec 1/94
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Dec 29/94 667. Little Johnny Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!" 668. Little Johnny (2) Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God." The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which
part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" 669. Little Johnny (3) Little Johnny has a problem. He swears too much. He cusses like a sailor. Johnny's teacher is aware of this, so she is going to be extra careful not to let Johnny cuss today.
"Okay, class. We're going to play a game today. I'm going to name
a letter of the alphabet and I want you to come up with a word that
starts with that letter and put it in a sentence." 670. What are you both doing One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush. "What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring intently at the scene before them. "They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's father, as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly. A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to the bathroom. As he walked by his parents' room, he heard strange noises coming from within. He opened the door and was surprised to see his father on top of his mother, moving in a strange way. His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both mother and father froze. As the boy's mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom. "What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still wasn't sure what he saw. "Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make a baby - you know, maybe a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father, now confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity. "Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. "Y'know Dad, when you go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please - I'd rather have a puppy". |