KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset inspector.)

However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio -- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

2. Can I borrow a quarter?
["What for?"]
I want to call my mom and tell her i just met the girl of my dreams.
OR:
I want to call your mother and thank her.

3. Is your daddy a thief?
["No."]
Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes?
[Be ready with a snappy answer in case the say yes]

4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?

6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.

11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."

12. Nice shoes. Wanna f***?

13. Can I flirt with you?

14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

15. [Look at his/her shirt label.]
[When they say, "What are you doing?", reply]
Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
OR:
Checking to see if you're the right size.

16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.

17. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

18. F*** me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?

19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.

20. [Grab his/her tush.]
Pardon me, is this seat taken?

21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?

22. Can I have directions?
["To where?"]
To your heart.

23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

27. So... How am I doin'?

28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?

29. [Tap your thigh]
You just think this is my leg.

30. Do you sleep on your stomach?
[No]
Can I?

A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it.
Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".
When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
A modem won't say a word if you come home late.
A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
A modem doesn't bitch if you sit and play with the computer all night long.
You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.
A modem doesn't require any foreplay - just an initialization command.
A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents.
If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
Modems come with an instruction manual.
Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a shithead all day long.

I know how to please a woman.
Then please leave me alone.

I want to give myself to you.
Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

May I see you pretty soon?
Don't you think I'm pretty now?

Your hair color is fabulous.
Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

You look like a dream.
Go back to sleep.

I can tell that you want me.
Yes, I want you to leave.

Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Do not enter. or Stop.

I'd go through anything for you.
Let's start with your bank account.

May I have the last dance?
You've just had it.

I would go to the end of the world for you.
Yes, but would you stay there?

Your place or mine?
Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.

Your body is like a temple.
Sorry, there are no services today.

Is this seat empty?
Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
If I could see you naked, I'd die laughing.

20. Hey, Hey, We're The Monks
19. (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction
18. I'm Too Sexy For This Robe...
17. Cyronus Achus Breakus
16. Ain't Misbehavin'
15. What's A Vow Of Chastity Got To Do With It?
14. Red, Red Wine
13. Celebate! Celebate! Dance To The Music!
12. Shock The Monk
11. Give Peace A Chant
10. Hand Jive
9. 50 Ways To Leave Your Monestary
8. Born To Be Mild
7. Oh, Sherry
6. Don't Stand So Close To Me
5. Beat It
4. Can't Touch That!
3. I Write The Psalms
2. Smells Like (Holy Spirit)
1. Light My Friar

Menu Items

Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China
Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong
Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo
Prawn cock and tail - Cairo
Cock in wine/Lioness cutlet - Cairo
French fried ships - Cairo
Garlic Coffee - Europe
Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe
Boiled Frogfish - Europe
Sweat from the trolley - Europe
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong
Roasted duck let loose - Poland
Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland
Fried friendship - Nepal
Strawberry crap - Japan
Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam
Toes with butter and jam - Bali
Goose Barnacles - Spain
French Creeps - L.A.
Fried fishermen - Japan
Buttered saucepans and fried hormones - Japan
Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan
Pepelea's Meat Balls - Romania

Product Names

Clean Finger Nail - Chinese tissues
Kolic - Japanese mineral water
Creap Creamy Powder - Japanese Coffee Creamer
Last Climax - Japanese tissues
Ass Glue - Chinese glues
Swine - Chinese chocolates
Libido - Chinese soda
Pocari Sweat - Japanese sport drink
Ban Cock - Indian cockroach repellent
Shocking - Japanese chewing gum
Homo sausage - East Asian fish sausage
Cat Wetty - Japanese moistened hand towels
Hornyphon - Austrian video recorder
Shitto - Ghanian pepper sauce
Pipi - Yugoslavian orangeade
Polio - Czechoslovakian laundry detergent
Crundy - Japanese gourmet candy
Superglans - Netherlands car wax
I'm Dripper - Japanese instant coffee
Zit - Greek soft drink
My Fanny - Japanese toilet paper
Colon Plus - Spanish detergent

1. Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.

2. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.

3. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.

4. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation.

5. Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.

6. Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab. clinic.

7. As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.

8. Ask the bride's mother to give you a hand job.

9. Give the bride some Bianca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.

10. Propose a toast to the bride's nose job.

11. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.

12. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.

13. After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, "Throw your bra, throw your bra..."

14. Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.

15. Tell the rabbi that there's no money to pay him, and ask if he'll settle for stupping the bride.

16. Assure the bride's mother that the groom is "hung like a horse."

17. Return a bra which the bride left in your car.

18. If there's a hunchback at a Jewish wedding tell hin that he has to wear one yarmukle on his head and another on his hump.

19. When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, "The Lady is a Tramp."

Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles' curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is _really_ worn.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle is mis aligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

Sign Outside a radiator repair shop in a small midwestern town. "Best Place in Town to Take a Leak."

Sign in a realtor's office: "Lots for little."

Sign in a shoe store: "Come in and have a fit."

Sign in a maternity clothes store: "We are open on labor day."

Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

Sign on the door of the maternity ward: "Push Push Push."

Sign at entrance of the IRS: "Watch your step."

Sign at the exit of the IRS: "Watch your mouth."

Sign in a bookstore: "We treat you write."

Sign on a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

Sign in an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

Sign on a scientist's door: "Gone fission."

Sign in a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

Sign in a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

Sign on used car lot: "Second hand cars in first crash condition."

Sign on fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

Sign in a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Sign over a cannibal's hut: "I never met a man I didn't like."

Sign in a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Sign at a hotel. "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

Sign in a science teacher's room: "If it moves, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics."

Sign in butchers window: "Pleased to meat you."

Sign on auto body shop: "May we have the next dents?"

Sign at the dry cleaner's window: "Drop your pants here."

Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager."

Sign in an Acapulco Hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

Sign in a Norwegian lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further."

Sign in an office: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

Sign in a veterinary's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Sign on music teachers' door: "Out Chopin."

Sign at the electic company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

Sign in beauty shop window: "Dye now!"

Sign on a garbage truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

Sign at a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

Sign on restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up."

Sign in a bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: "Get a `long` little doggie!"

Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want."

Sign on a music library's door: "Bach in a minuet."

Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12"

Sign on the inside of a bathroom stall: "Beware of limbo dancers."

A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow."

Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)."

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

Sign in school: "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended."

Sign on an asphalt truck: "Let us fill your crack!"

Office sign: "Ace exterminating - we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome."

Sign at a muffler shop: "No muff too tough for us!"

Sign at a garden shop: "We now have kricket krap!"

Sign on a government issue car: "Fulton county disaster coordinator."

Sign in a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice.

Sign seen on an electricity pylon: DANGER! "To touch these wires will result in instant death. Anyone found doing so will be severely prosecuted."

Sign in a Japanese Hotel room: In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

Sign in a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."

Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"

Sign on a Norfolk farm: "Trespassers beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser. The ninth one just left."

Sign seen in London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs"

Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: "Closed for official opening."

Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."

Sign in a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."

Sign in a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: "Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."

Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

Sign on the menu of a Polish hotel: "Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."

Sign at fast-food place: "PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!"

Sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

Sign in a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

Sign from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."

Sign in an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."

Sign in a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."

Sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

Sign in a Zurich hotel: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."

Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: "A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played."

Sign in a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Sign in a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages."

Sign Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: "Would you like to ride on your own ass?"

Sign on the faucet in a Finnish washroom: "To stop the drip, turn cock to right."

Sign in the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."

Sign on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."

Detour sign in Kobe, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways."

Sign in a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today -- no ice cream."

Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."

Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."

Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."

Sign in a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."

Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: "COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."

Sign from a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: "When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."

Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."