KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

United States Government
Department of Internal Revenue

The Pecker Tax will take effect immediately.
For those who have yet to be educated in all the aspects of this new tax, here are the particulars:

LEGAL BACKGROUND and REASONING:
Your pecker is not yet taxed, so now it will be. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is simply hanging around unemployed; 50% of the time it is pissed off; 20% of the time it is hard up; and 10% of the time it operates in the hole. Furthermore, it has two dependents both of which are nuts.

Accordingly, effective immediately, your pecker will be taxed based on its' size using the PeckerChecker TaxTable below (also found on page 39 of 1040 instructions).

10-12 inches Luxury Tax $50.00/year
8-10 inches Pole Tax 25.00/year
6-8 inches Priveledge Tax 15.00/year
4-6 inches Nuisance Tax 5.00/year

Note: Taxpayers under the 4 inch minimum are eligible for a tax refund using the inverse scale law. Submit Form 69, or attach Form 132569. Do not apply for an extension.

Taxpayers with peckers in excess of the 12 inch maximum will have to file for capital gains as listed in section 72 (which is 69 with two fingers up your ass).

So thier sitting and thinking...and the first lady Screams I GOTS ONE...I GOTS ONE....I am gonna call my man *Mountain Dew*...well the ladies think that is cute, but WHY Mountain Dew??? Well she says...cause he is as BIG as a Mountain...and he is always wanting to Do it....{hehe}. The second lady cries out SEVEN UP! She is going to name her man that...cause he has seven inches and he is always *up* for it. Well the ladies laugh loudly....and turn to the third woman, who is still thinking...and thinking....and finally she says she is going to call her man.............Jack Daniels! The ladies are stunned....one turns to her and says "Honey, Jack Daniels isnt a soda pop....it's a Hard Liquor". Well she smiles and says "So is my Leroy"

"Jerry, I, . . ., I have something to tell you before I pass on."

"No, no, dear. Everything is forgiven now. All is well."

"No, Jerry. I've been carrying this load for years now, and I must tell you. I, . . ., I've been unfaithful to you. I slept with your best friend, Phil. I'm so terribly sorry."

"Yes, dear, I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose.

The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.

The lady said, "Who's paying for this?"

Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.

The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads."

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

George"you know Harv, you're doing much better this week as far as remembering what's trump who played what and everything"

"Yea, George, I took one of them memory courses"

"Really, which one did you take?"

"Let me think... ah ..ah a red flower ... ah. . ah .. had thornes.."

"A rose?"

"That's it!", yelling into kitchen" Hey Rose , what was the name of that memory course I took?"

The following morning the man presented here with twenty-five dollars as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating, "If you don't give me the other twenty-five I'll sue you for it." He laughed saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

The next day he was surprised when served with a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows:

"Your Honor, my client is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of fifty dollars. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only twenty-five dollars. The rent is not excessive since it was restricted property, and we ask judgement to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the case had been presented. His defense was therefore somewhat altered from what he had planned. "Your Honor, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, for a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which ie placed his own stones, sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labor being personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property are sufficient to offset the unpaid balance, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask that the judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer came back with, "Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property, and he did make improvements such as described by my opponent; however, had the defendant not known the well existed he would never have rented the property; also, on evacuating the premises, the defendant moved the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, make it easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask judgment be granted."

(She got it!)

1. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women

2. How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One...men will screw anything

3. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch

4. Why don't men eat more M & M's?
They are too hard to peel.

5. What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
Gifted

6. What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

7. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing

8. Whate the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature

9. Why are blond jokes so short?
So men can remember them

10. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up

11. How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!

12. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.

13. How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

14. What's a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

15. What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home

16. What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this

17. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer

18. How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini

19. What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
Put the remote between his toes.

20. How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat we clean/they dirty we iron/they wrinkle