KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some. "How hard is it?" she asks. "About as hard as my dick." he replies. "Ok, then pour me some!"

What guys say...	...What they mean...
It is just orange juice, try it.	3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.
She's kind of cute	I want to bang her till I am blue
I don't know if I like her	She won't blow me
I need you	My hand is tired
I had her	I had (wet dreams about) her all week
I really want to get to know you better	...so I can tell my friends about it
How do I compare with all you other boyfriends?	Is my penis really that small?
You're the only girl I've ever cared about	You are the only girl who has not rejected me
I want you back	...for tonight anyway
We've been through so much together	If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity
I miss you so much	I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good
No, I do not want to dance right now	Shoot! She'll know that I have a hard-on
The break-up should not start for another 24 hours	I want to have sex a few more times
I am different from all the other guys	I am not circumsized

Husband and wife were laying in bed. Husband reached over and nudged wife.

She said "What do you want"?

He said "You know."

She said, "Can't, I have to see my gynecologist tomorrow."

He said, "Oh".

Later, husband reached over and nudged wife again.

She said, "I told you I had to see my doctor tomorrow."

He said, "But you don't have to see your dentist, do you?"

1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy.

2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get well soon"...but I know it's incurable.

3. My tire was thumping....I thought it was flat....when I looked at the tire....I found your cat... Sorry!

4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one... of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.

7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me.

8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95.

9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry

10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?" "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bg, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but i'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jups up from his table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So", says the second drunk, "What's yer point?"

"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it o.k. to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995

Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us Holland Sentinal, date unknown.

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut The New York Times, November 22

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find The Los Angeles Times, November 2

'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30

Alcohol ads promote drinking The Hartford Courant, November 18

Malls try to attract shoppers The Baltimore Sun, October 22

Official: Only rain will cure drought The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men The Sunday Oregonian, September 24

Low Wages Said Key to Poverty Newsday, July 11

Man shoots neighbor with machete The Miami Herald, July 3

Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows The New York Times, March 10

Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies The Los Angeles Times, March 2

Scientists see quakes in L.A. future The Oregonian, January 28

Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning The Buffalo News, February 26

Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26

Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25

Economist uses theory to explain economy Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8

Bible church's focus is the Bible Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994

Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6

Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity The Chicago Tribune, March 5

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear Journal of Commerce, April 20

Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2

Lack of brains hinders research The Columbus Dispatch, April 16

How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5

Fish lurk in streams Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie? "I certainly do," screamed the wife, "the undertaker."

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?"
"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"