KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents." ( too tense! )

Dear :

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other:

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.

Sincerely,

The Tooth Fairy

10. I need to whip it out by 5!
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before I leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag.
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMM......I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

AND NUMBER ONE.

1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits there.

1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
2. Do you want to see something swell?
3. Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
4. Drop 'em!
5. What do you like for breakfast?
6. Excuse me. Do you want to F**k or should I apologize?
7. Wanna F**k like bunnies?
8. Say, did we go to different schools together?
9. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
10. I had a friend who use to hand out phone cards that said: "Smile if you want to sleep with me. "
And watch them try to hold back their laugh.
11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
13. Would you like to dance or should I go F**k myself again?
14. Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
15. At the office copy machine. "Reproducing eh?
" "Can I help?"
16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
18. Hey babe... can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
19. Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley?
20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over.
When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."
21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a F**k?
HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?
22. A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?"
You: "Do you have the energy?"
23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
24. Say mother, want another?
(if she has kids) 25. Bond. James Bond.
26. Do you spit or swallow?
27. You look like the type of girl that has heard ever line in the book.
So what's one more?
28. Your place or mine?
29. Nice shoes, wanna F**k?
30. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.
31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
32. Your face or MINE!?
33. "Are you ready to go home yet?"
34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
35. When she asks, for a match.
How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now F**k my brains out.
38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.
40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
41. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
42. I'd look good on you.
43. Excuse me, have I F**ked you yet?
44. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.
45. I would kill or die to make love to you.
46. Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
47. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
49. HI! Can I buy you a car?
50. NOW, BITCH!
51. Fancy a F**k?
52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
53. Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?
54. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
55. F**k me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
56. I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?
56. Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
57. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: "I want to see if you were really made in heaven."
58. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on?
59. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?
60. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
Have you ever had your belly-button licked?...(Yes)...From the inside?
61. Your legs must be tired because you've been running through my mind all night.
62. If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me spend some time up between the holidays?
63. Hi, how are you?
64. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) 'Cause I could see myself in your pants.
65. Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.
66. Hi, my name is {name}, I like peanut butter, wanna F**k?
67. I am a magical being, take off your bra.
68. Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?
69. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation?
(No.
) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.
70. Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a women masturbate with these two fingers?" (I don't know.) "'Cause they're mine sweetheart."
71. I'm a hurdle do you want to jump me?
72. "What's the difference between a blow job and lunch? " "I dunno."
"GREAT! Let's do lunch!"
73. COPS!! Spread em'.

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

A mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now ' cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on get your asses in the train 'cause we're leaving."

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out you may play with your train. But I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

"For those of you just boarding we ask you to store all your luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us."

"And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay please see the bitch in the kitchen."

The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the govern- ment plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father; a government employee who attempts to solve thecouple's problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell................

Ms Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....." Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out.
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.