KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Mr. Reiss got himself a new secretary. Maggie was young, sweet and polite.

One day while taking dictation, Maggie noticed his fly was open and, on leaving the room, she said "Oh, Mr Reiss, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in, he asked "By the way, Miss Bolt, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier standing at attention?"

She was quite witty. "Why, no, Mr. Reiss" she replied. "All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags."

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift an finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

"So. how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees."

"I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."

"So, how'd you break your arm?"

The bartender got tired of hearing these five drunks arguing about who had the biggest dick. So he yelled out: "I am tired of this shit. Pull them out and put them up on the bar and I will tell you who has the biggest." They were drunk enough that all five of them responded and placed their dick up on the bar. At this time a homosexual walks in, and the bartender ask: "May I help you?" To which he responds: "Well, I came in for a glass of wine and a sandwich but I think I will have the smorgasbord."

The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when there's a ring on the doorbell. He opens the door, and there's a snail sitting there. "What do you want?" asks the landlord. The snail replies that he wants a drink."Go away, we're closed, and we don't serve snails anyway". The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, kicks the snail and slams the door.

..... Exactly one year later, he's locking up again, and there's a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there. "What do you want" says the landlord. "What did you do that for" says the snail.

You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .

1. your twin sister forgets your birthday.
2. you wake up face down on the pavement.
3. you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
4. you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
5. you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.
6. your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
7. your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
8. you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.
9. you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.
10. the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.
11. you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't have a water bed.
12. your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
13. you get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that you're no longer funny
14. your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."
15. you open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"
16. your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that you'd better get the Test
17. you wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers
18. when someone accuses you of faking humor
19. your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the movers are here to move me."
20. you have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up
21. you need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate!

It's hard to capture the free-spirited, humorous spontaneity of the drinking game when you're the only one drinking. That's why we have thoughtfully prepared this list for the alcoholic who is still boozing long after everyone has left the party, and your life.
SOLO SPIN THE BOTTLE RULES: Spin the Bottle, and whoever it points to, drinks. If the bottle doesn't point directly at anyone, the person nearest to the right drinks, and since you are playing alone, it is always you.
SPECIAL CONSIDERATIONS: Make sure the bottle is empty before you start.
SPOT THE LIVER RULES: Take off your shirt and start drinking. If your liver swells up to such an incredible size that you can see it poking out beneath your rib cage, you lose.

NOTE: This game usually takes a few years, so stock up your supplies before commencing your solo festivities.
WHISKY AT WORK RULES: Bring a hip flask full of whisky to work. Every time someone tells you to do something, take a drink. If someone asks you if you're drinking on the job, take two drinks. Score double points if you vomit on your boss.
NOTES: This game helps you get through a grueling workday quickly, so you can head out to a bar after work.
GET DEPRESSED RULES: Sit at a table or bar and get a drink. Think about your life. Every time you have a depressing thought, take a swig. Play proceeds from the left to the right hand. You always lose.
IDENTIFY THAT MEAL RULES: This game calls for a steady hand, and the detective skills of Sherlock Holmes. After a bout of post-party puking, examine your vomit. For every meal-part you correctly identify, take a drink. For any piece you find that you can't remember eating, (You were blasted!) take three drinks. If you find another living organism in the mess, drink a whole bottle. This game adds challenge and excitement to a normally exruciating experience!

I hope these simple games will provide you with even more reasons to drink.
Have fun!

Foreign legion officer: "Sir, a letter was just sent to us reporting a severe water shortage at Outpost 132!" Commandant: "Oh, they're probably just exaggerating."
Officer: "I don't think so, sir. The stamp was held on with a paper clip!"

The post office has come up with its ultimate money making weapon.
A stamp that weighs an ounce.

The US Postal Service is still one of the best deals around.
For 32 cents they'll carry your letter around for weeks and weeks.

The post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers.
It seems people were confused as to which side to spit on.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the balloon and he walks over to the police car. After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"