KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

* What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug
* What do you call a man with out a shovel in his head?
Dougless
* What do you call a lady with a toothpick in her head?
Olive
* What do you call a lady with one leg longer than the other?
Eileen
* What do you call a Chinese lady with one leg longer than the other?
Ireen
* What do you call a lady with both legs the same length?
Nolene
* What do you call an epileptic in a pile of leaves?
Russell
* What do you call a man with a wooden head?
Edward
* What do you call a man with three wooden heads?
Edward Woodward
* What do you call a man with four wooden heads?
I don't know, but Edward Woodward would
* What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?
Warren
* What do you call a man with his legs chopped off at the knees?
Neil
* What do you call a man who is being electrocuted?
Buzz
* What do you call a man who sits at your front door?
Matt
* What do you call a man who has his head stuck under your car?
Jack
* What do you call a man who has no arms and legs who is nailed to the wall?
Art
* What do you call the arms and legs of the above mentioned man?
Pieces of Art
* What do you call a man with no arms and legs floating in the ocean?
Bob
* What do you call a lady who is the stand-in for Polly in Fawlty Towers?
Polly - filler
* What do you call a whole bunch of dead bald smokers floating over the ocean at Christmas?
Yule-tide
* What do you call a man with toilet paper in his mouth?
John
* What do you call a man who has been buried for 2,000 years?
Pete
* What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him - he still won't come
* What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea
* What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea
* What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs who is chewing a razor?
Still no bloody idea

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

The sophisticated New Yorker was vacationing in the Smokey Mountians and lost control over his Mercedes. The car plunged off the winding road and over a stepp cliff, but Stein managed to roll out and grab hold of a root at the very top of the cliff. There he clung, screaming for help, until a comely young hillbilly came by and looked down at his white knuckles and panicked face.
"Please help me, give me a hand?", he pleaded.
"There ain't nothin' in it for me." , she pointed out laconically, hands on her hips.
"I'll do anything you want." promised Stein.
"Will you suck my titties?" she asked.
"Sure absolutely." he agreed.
"How about licking me all over?"
"You bet."
"And then you'd suck my p*ssy for hours and hours?"
"I'd love to." gasped Stein frantically.
"You filthy pervert!" And she stomped on his fingers.

Each time the man visits this bar he has a little white box with him. The lady bartender is finally overcome with interest, and ask: "What's in the box?" To which he replies the most amazing frog ever. He loves to go down on women and he is really great." She suggest she found out how how good the frog is . In the back room she takes off all her clothes, and spreads her legs apart as the man takes the frog out of the box and places him between her legs. After several minutes nothing is happening. The man reaches down and picks the frog up, and shaking him says: "Now listen, I am going to show you one more time!"

The elegant preppie was strolling through the zoo and walked all the way around the monkey house. There wasn't an ape or a monkey to be seen, so Prescott sought out the keeper. "Why are there no monkeys on view?" she asked her displeasure evident.
"It's mating season." replied the keeper bluntly. "They're back in their caves."
"But I want to see them. Will they come out if I throw them some peanuts?" she asked cooly.
"I dunno, lady." he answered looking her over. "Would you?"

The first little pig walked into the bar and said "Can I have a rum and coke?" and the bar man said "OK". Then the little pig said "Can I use your toilet?" and the bar man said straight ahead.

Then the second little pig walked into the bar and said "Can I have a rum and coke?" and the bar man said "OK". Then the little pig said "Can I use your toilet?" and the bar man said straight ahead.

The third little pig walked into the bar and said "Can I have a rum and coke?" and the bar man said "OK". Then the Bar man said "I suppose you want to use the toilet", but the third little pig said "No, I'm the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home".

Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said "yes." Bad: Your wife says "no."

Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: So did the postman.

Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre. Bad: It's performance art.

Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." Bad: For real.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. Bad: It's counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video. Bad: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.

A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class. He took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following: He dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the bottom and wriggled about. He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl alchohol and it immediately shriveled up and died. He asked the class if anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them.

A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said: "You're showing us that if you drink alcohol, you won't have worms."

Upon entering a fashionable restaurant a couple saw a sign proclaiming it to be "The World's Most Sanitary Restaurant". Their waiter came to their table and used a pair of tongs to hand them the menus. All of the silverware and place settings were also placed on their table using tongs.
When they questioned the waiter about this, he indicated tongs were used to perform all service functions and was the primary reason the restaurant claimed to be so sanitary.
During the meal, they noticed their waiter had a string hanging out of his fly. The husband called the waiter over and asked about it.
He explained the string was tied to his penis and when he had to urinate, he used it to pull it out of his pants without having to touch it which made things even more sanitary.
The couple was impressed with all these sanitary procedures. However, after a few minutes the husband got a puzzled look on his face, again called the waiter over and asked, "I'm curious about something. How do you manage to get your penis BACK in your pants?"
"Why do you think I have these tongs?" the waiter replied.