KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

News release: Abortions are becoming so popular in Poland that the waiting time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Polish experts predict that at this rate there will soon be a one year wait to get an abortion.

A Polish statistician refuses to fly after reading the alarmingly high probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane. Later he finds that the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. Now whenever he flies, he always carries one bomb with him.

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off". The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two years up there, each may take any form of entertainment weighing 150 pound or less.
The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb wife.
They approve.
The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Greek. I want 150 lbs of books to learn Greek with." The NASA board approves.
The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "It's gonna be two years up there. I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment.
Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, He and his wife are each holding and infant. The crowd cheers. The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Greek. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says:

"Anybody got a match?"

Everyone wondered how Reagan picked Bush for VP in the first place. Well, this is the story: Reagan knew he had to make a choice; so he asked Nancy how he should do this. Nancy told him that he should ask the potential candidates a riddle and see how they do. She gave Reagan a riddle to use.

So, the next day, Reagan goes to Bush and says, "Who is it who is your father's son, but not your brother?" Bush replies, "Golly gee, Mr. Reagan, That's difficult. I'll need to go and think about that one for a while." In the evening Bush returns and happily shouts, "I got it, Ron! I figured it out! It's me! It's me!"

Reagan than goes and presents the same riddle to one of the other VP candidates and says, "Who is it who is your father's son, but not your brother?" "That's a tough one Mr. Reagan. I'll get back to you on that." And in the evening he returns and says, "I couldn't figure that one out. Who is it?"

Reagan answers, "It's George Bush, but I'm not exactly sure why."

A man was walking down the street one day when he saw a Polack standing on the corner, playing with his butt and then smelling his fingers. The man watched the Polack do this for a minute or so, then he walked over to him and asked, "What are you doing, if I might ask?" And the Polack replied, "I'm snorting crack, of course!"

This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two -- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th' other way and they stopped to talk. "Hey buddy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva fight."

"Well actually I got them in church," sez he.

"Nowwaitaminnit," sez his buddy, "nobody gits black eyes in church!"

"I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened.
We all got up to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an' all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her.
And you know what? She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!"

"Well," sez his buddy after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff explains one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?"

"Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated". The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain.
But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. "All right, I guess I'll have the operation", he said. When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew - start over from this point".
So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular". "That's right", exclaimed the man, "how'd you know?" "Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up", replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long."
"Right again," the man said. The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36." "There's your first mistake", the man said, "I've worn 34's for years." "No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one", said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34". The owner replied, "Well alright, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!"

There was this black woman who had 7 sons, all of them named Leroy. One day this man was asking her about this and said, "What to you say when you want to call one of them?" She replies,"I just calls Leroy, and they all come!" The man then says, "Well what if you want one of them to come help you with the dishes?" She says, "I calls Leroy, and they all come help me with the dishes." The man, getting somewhat frustrated, says, "What if you want to talk to one of them about bad grades on their report card, then how do you call them?" She says, "Oh, then I use their last name!"

A man was trapped on a deserted island that was sinking into the sea. As the water lapped around his feet, a motor boat suddenly approached the island. "Come on, man, get in!" said the boatman.
"No," said the guy on the island, "I have faith in Jesus. He will save me!"
The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up to the guy's chest, another boat appeared.
"Get in the boat, or you're going to drown!" said the boatman. Again, the guy said, "No, I have faith in Jesus. He will save me!"
The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up to the guy's chin, a third boat appeared.
"Get in, this is your last chance!"
"No, Jesus will save me!"
So the boat went off, the water continued to rise and the guy drowned. He went up to heaven and was greeted by Jesus.
"Hey, Jesus," he said, "I trusted in you all my life and you let me drown!
I don't believe it!"
"YOU don't believe it?" Jesus said, "I sent three fucking boats to save you!!"