KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.

"Sir, these are the COJONES", the waiter replied.
"The what, you say?", exclaimed the tourist.
"They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter.

The tourist gulped but tasted the plate anyway, and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter:
"Today's COJONES are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, sir," said the waiter, "... you see the bull, he does not always lose!"

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

Two dogs had chased a third dog for hours in the hot sun.
Dog 1: Ain't this a bitch?
Dog 2: It sure as hell better be!

Jimmy Swaggart telephoned Jim de Bakker.
Swaggart: I have a theological question: Can a prostitute be saved?
De Bakker: Yes.
Swaggart: Would you save me one for Saturday night?

Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
Don't be silly, protect your Willie.
Before you blast her, protect your bushmaster.
Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it.
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
Before you bag her, sheath your dagger,
It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
If you slip between her thighs be sure to condomize.
She won't get sick if you cap your dick.
If you go into heat, package that meat.
Befo' da van start rockin', be sho' yo' cock got a stockin'.
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
A crank with armor will never harm her.

Four Polacks were in an alley shooting drugs, and using the same needle.
A guy walked by on the street and yelled, "You idiots! Don't you know about AIDS?!?" One of the Polacks replies; "Of course we do! But don't worry, we're all wearing condoms!"

One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped into his fancy, imported sportscar, zipped out along the big highway for a while, then got off and drove along a very rural dirt road in the middle of farm country. After a while, he came across a farmer who was out in the fields, driving a tractor. Funny thing was, the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants.

"Hey farmer, how come you're not wearing any pants?"

"Well, city boy, th' other day I went out a-workin' in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. Now this here's mah wife's idea."

Two Texans are standing on a bridge bragging about their manliness, when they decide to piss into the river below. After commencing, they continue bragging:

Texan 1: "The water's cold."

Texan 2: "Yeah. Deep too."