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The Chinese have also been pissed about this "selling
opium to China" thing. OK, maybe they have a good point on
this one. But according to the figures we have calculated at
GCM, the Chinese have been getting more than their fair
share of revenge by secretly supporting the heroine drug
trade from Southern China for the last 30 years. So we think
they should lay off the revenge on the apartment side.
Where Can You Live?
You have just been posted to China. You arrive, check
into the hotel for what you think will be only a week or so
until you find an apartment. (Six months later you think it
is a good deal that the hotel only charges RMB20 for washing
a pair of underwear). Should be easy since your company is
willing to foot the bill, right? No, no, no, silly
grasshopper. Not so fast, first you have to find an
apartment complex that is "approved" to house foreigners.
This is not just any old building. This is a brand new shiny
old building that charges around 10 times what you would pay
in your home country. But you only get 1/10th of the comfort
for that price. So that makes your shabby old apartment in
your home country a 100 times better value by GCM's
calculations.
But still you begin to wonder why the Chinese government is
concerned about where you rent an apartment.
You're Too Suspicious
You're too suspicious if you think that being approved to
house foreigners means that the rooms are bugged. Don't ever
think that. And if you insist on saying it, at least turn up
the radio loud or some other such stupid method to try to
prevent eavesdropping. It doesn't work, by the way, but it
feels very "John Le Carre-ish."
Quality
See our rant about office space.
Apartments are basically the same especially since most of
the approved foreigner apartment buildings are owned by the
hotel/office developers. Thus you can expect high prices,
long waits, and ultimately hot steaming anger and
dissatisfaction. Breathe deeply and count to ten before
reacting.
Construction
Chinese construction companies have a funny habit of
installing decorative materials before the heavy
construction and concrete work is completed. This then means
that you will move into your brand new apartment building
and find gray chunks of cement dried to a rock hard
consistency adorning the walls, wallpaper, tile floors,
bathroom fixtures, lighting fixtures, etc. They'll try to
get some on your clothing and furniture also if you put in a
special request.
Light bulbs in China burn out after six hours of use. So you
should make sure the apartment landlord covers this expense.
Of course, they will never change the dead light bulbs for
you, but at least you will feel like a shrewd
negotiator.
Watch out for the amazing smelly toilets in China also. Even
in fancy apartment buildings, they small bad. And here, for
the first time ever, GCM will reveal the reason why. It is
because the construction companies are too lazy to put a
u-shaped pipe underneath the toilet to block sewage pipe
fumes from backing up into the bathroom...It is really scary
knowing so much sometimes.
Maintenance
Never heard of it. No,...wait. Now I remember. Yes, we used
to have something called maintenance before they decided to
cancel the contract with the Singaporean management company.
They did crazy things like change burnt out light bulbs, fix
broken mirrors, clean the carpets, repair the elevators, mop
the floors with clean mops...basically a lot of time wasting
if you ask GCM's opinion. Now we have full local Chinese
management, and they are a lot less troublesome. They mainly
keep to themselves and don't cause any trouble by showing up
when you need them. They spend most of their time eating
instant noodles, drying their clothes on hangers, smoking,
drinking tea from old coffee jars, pulling up one leg of
their trousers, reading "newspapers," taking showers and
washing their hair (young women only), and generally
harassing any other Chinese people with the audacity to try
to enter your building.
Facilities
Your luxurious apartment facilities also come with many
extra features. For example, you get 3-4 TV channels one of
which might be CNN or the BBC, but they often mysteriously
disappear. Don't try to find out why since the three guys
who work full time in the "satellite dish adjustment room"
will play dumb and pretend like they do not understand your
question. They will do this because they are afraid of being
accused of revealing a state secret if they tell you some
old fart political guy got a bug up his ass about something
CNN or BBC said about China. Wait 'til the old farts read
this website.
There is a tennis court with no net, a swimming pool with no
water, a sauna with no heat, and a western restaurant with
no western food. Unless you consider fried rice with a fried
egg on top to be western food. Bon appetit! See
our rant about banqueting for further insightful comments on
eating in China.
Help Around The House
Never fear, getting domestic help is easy in China. You can
go through a government controlled company and hire someone
for 3 times what it would cost on the open market. What you
get for this is a certified spy with no housekeeping skills
to speak of but a guaranteed genuine dislike of westerners.
They have plenty of attitude and will never do things the
way you ask since they are Chinese and you are western
therefore stupid.
Option 2 is to hire someone on the open market. You find
these people through your local "old friends" which means
they will only do it if there is something in it for them.
Oftentimes, they will try to get you to hire one of their
distant relatives so they can keep the money in the family,
receive eternal gratitude from the relative, and keep an eye
on your personal living habits at the same time. Sometimes
you will have the honor of hiring someone from Anhui
province. This is a poor place in China so it is legal for
them to steal as much from you as possible. They meet with
other Anhui people on their days off and exchange ideas on
how to steal from westerners. Nothing is too small to
overlook. Stolen westerner socks are a form of legal tender
currency in this province.
Similar to the Olympic training program in China, in Anhui
province they have an Olympic-scale Steal-from-Westerners
training program. Candidates for this program are chosen at
the age of 5 years old based on their difficult to describe
features and their quick hands. After graduation from the
training program, they are sent off to major cities to steal
from westerners. The central Chinese government, while not
openly supportive of this program, knows all about it and
tacitly approves. They say that this is part of secret
program they have codenamed "Taking Revenge On Westerners
For Selling Opium To China."
About now you should be starting to feel slightly wiser.
Then again that may just be dizziness from sitting too close
to the computer screen. Why don't you go back to our main
page and try choosing another topic? Click below to go back
to the main menu page...
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