Western Guerillas In The China Mist

Thoughtful Gorilla oops Guerilla

Banqueting In China a.k.a. eat and be eaten

Banquet Q&A: You Q and we do our best to A.

What is a business banquet?

A banquet is a formal dinner (sometimes but rarely lunch and never breakfast) that is hosted by one side of a business relationship. Usually that means there are two "sides" i.e. the Chinese company people and the western company people. But sometimes a few other people will be there also such as government officials, local movie stars, etc. Spouses and children are never invited except in the case of grown children who are being groomed to get involved in the business.

Why do you go to banquets?

Banquets are a ritualized behavior in China. The main reason to go to them is to make the Chinese side feel more comfortable. They seem to feel most comfortable when their stomachs are filled with expensive Chinese food and alcohol. It is only a coincidence that westerners feel quite the opposite when filled with the same. Then again, maybe this is another Chinese strategy to take revenge for something in the past. Probably.

Does any business get done at a banquet?

Surprisingly, yes. Once you position yourself next to the boss of the Chinese side, you can casually slip in comments meant to persuade them to see your point of view. In a less direct sort of way, a banquet can set the tone of the relationship and will have lasting effects long after the last piece of hepatitis fruit is slurped off the fruit plate. GCM's advice is to keep things fairly serious during banquets until the real drinking starts. See drinking page on this website for more detail about this topic.

What are the physical surroundings and setup of a business banquet?

If you are the guest (i.e. not the host), you will be escorted into a big private room. Normally this is in the back of a big restaurant and entails a walk through the regular tables during which you get to see the lowly masses eating their runny gruel. Since you are a bigshot, you will keep your eyes focussed straight ahead and ignore all the staring and pointing of the masses.

Once you get in the big private room, you and others will wander around uncomfortably for a few minutes trying to pretend you don't realize you should sit down. Finally someone will make a big show of showing you to your proper chair. If you are the western boss, you will sit to the right of the Chinese boss/host. Normally you can tell where the Chinese boss will sit because there will be a big folded napkin at his place that looks like some sort of ostrich or maybe a swan.

The table itself is a big round one with a "lazy susan" thingy in the middle. Big cloth table cloth, possibly clean, possibly not. At each place there are a pair of chopsticks, small plate, small bowl, water glass, wine glass, and little small shot glass type wine glass for drinking Chinese white lightning "rot-gut." Usually the small shot glass is made of crystal and the rim is chipped to a sharp edge that will slice open the lip of any unsuspecting westerner.

What about napkins?

OK, OK, we were getting to that. You will also get a little wet cloth to wipe your hands. Use it to clean your hands, maybe lightly wipe your forehead. The Chinese will use it to take a full sponge bath at the table. Always an amusing sight. Don't use it to wipe your mouth or eyes since it is probably full of bacteria from the last 100 diners.

Sometimes you will get a disposable wet towel that comes in a plastic wrapper of some sort. These smell like the wrappings they used to put on women's feet in China. Avoid them if at all possible.

Are the utensils clean?

Glad you asked. The answer is No. But fortunately it is not impolite to scour your dishes and chopsticks before using them. Just pretend like they are a little wet and that you need to dry them off. Then grab one of the little dry paper napkins they should have sitting around somewhere and scrub as unobtrusively as possible. We suppose that scientifically this does not do much to kill bacteria, but it certainly makes us feel better. Give it a try.

Can you bring your own chopsticks?

We have heard of people doing this but it certainly seems a little over the edge to us. "Wimpy" is the first word that comes to mind.

Do they have forks and knives for westerners to use?

Yes, and they love to give these to you with a big flourish. The meaning of this "flourish" is to show that you are a stupid, uneducated westerner that can not even use chopsticks. The Chinese get a big kick out of this. Believe it or not, this is one area that the editors of GCM agree with the Chinese about. If you can not even use chopsticks, then get your butt on the nearest plane out of China before you put your poor sucker employer into bankruptcy. Quick!

What do you do next?

Do you mean after you get your butt on a plane out of China? Normally order some peanuts and two little bottles of vodka and a cup of ice.

No, I mean what do you do next at the banquet?

Oh, sorry. Next you watch as the Chinese people fight over who is going to order. None of them wants this honor it seems and usually the menu gets pushed back and forth until it arrives in front of the Chinese big boss. The big boss, being a smart guy or gal, politely declines and finally foists this job onto the number 2 in command. Of course they will try to get you to order also. Take a serious look at the menu, call the waiter over, and order "the number 1 value meal, no cheese on the Big Mac, and a Diet Coke."

Are appetizers served?

In a sense. There are a bunch of cold dishes brought to the table in the beginning. These include things like boiled peanuts (keep your eyes on these; they could save your life in the drinking section later), cold chopped green stuff, cold chopped brown gelatin meat stuff, and some Korean kim chee if you are lucky. Don't worry. None of this stuff has been sitting unrefrigerated in the kitchen gathering flies for the last half hour. Dig in.

What next?

At some point the big negotiation starts about what to drink. See our drinking page for details about this portion.

I really am getting hungry. When does the food start?

Actually not until you get back to your hotel and order spaghetti from room service. Just kidding.

After sorting out who is drinking what, the food starts to arrive. Of course it includes a bunch of scary things like scorpions, cow penis, turtle soup, fried sparrows, sea cucumber. But it also has some good things like chicken, sliced beef, a leafy vegi dish, a tofu dish.

Any suggestions for good food jokes to make?

a. Point at the small fried sparrows and comment how much smaller Chinese birds are in comparison to western birds. Repeat this over and over throughout the meal and pretend you do not know that "bird" in Chinese is a slang for the male penis.

b. Tell the best looking unmarried woman at the table that you really enjoy eating tofu, especially the soft, white Chinese tofu. Repeat until slapped.

What are you supposed to do besides eat and make jokes?

You could try rolling out a blueprint of the equipment from your negotiation. The Chinese like to look at blueprints and discuss technical details while eating.

Is drinking alcohol mandatory?

Yes. Now, shut up and Gan Bei! This is the last time we will tell you to see our drinking page for info about business drinking in China.

How can you avoid eating things you do not like?

Pull a George Bush i.e. puke and keel over. Or you can just politely refuse, over and over again, anything that you think would really kill you. Or you could accept small portions, move them around on your plate for a while, and then quickly dispose of them when the "swap for a clean plate" service girl comes by. Or you could threaten to invite the Chinese to eat "cheese pie with butter dressing" on their next visit to your country.

GCM's theory about food in China has evolved over the years. When we first went to China, we thought we would be polite and at least try to eat a little of everything. Well, this may have scored a few points on the polite scale but we lost major points on the health and comfort scale. Somewhere in the middle years, after seeing yet another Chinese delegation visit the west and refuse to eat more than a token amount of western food, we decided that we would only eat what we wanted in China. Now we eat very little at Chinese banquets, and if offered something we don't like we say no. If pressed, we say we prefer western food. Simple. If the Chinese can not open their minds enough to realize that some people just do not like their soupy, fatty, sinewy, oily, dull gray, oyster sauce-tasting, starchy-slime, not well prepared,and certainly full of bacteria food, then too bad.

Can you have a banquet in a western restaurant?

Don't waste your money. The Chinese will hate it.

Who pays the bill?

The host of course. Don't ask such stupid questions.

How much does it cost?

In China these days, "good" Chinese food costs big bucks. Easily US$100 per head at a fancy place. Of course, many places cost less. But if you are the host, be careful not to choose too sleazy of a place unless you are trying to insult someone. Just find someplace that is roughly the same quality that they invited you to.

What is sea cucumber? Since I am a vegetarian, is it a good idea to eat this?

Sea cucumbers (class Holothuroidea) are elongated, cylindrical echinoderms, with the skeleton reduced to form microscopic ossicles of various types in the connective tissue. The mouth and anus are at opposite ends of the body, and five bands of tube feet run from mouth to anus; tube feet are absent in some groups. The mouth is surrounded by a ring of usually 10 to 30 tentacles. Sea cucumbers range in length from a few millimeters to more than 2 m (6.6 ft). Colors are usually drab, with shades of brown predominating. The animals feed either by capturing small organisms with their sticky tentacles or by shoveling mud into their mouths and extracting organic material from it. The dried body walls of some tropical species are prized as food in the Orient.

How does one survive banquets?

Eat before you go to a banquet.

Can you offer any other etiquette clues for banquets in China?

  • At the end of the banquet, after the table is overflowing with 40 half finished dishes, the Chinese host will normally apologize to you for offering such a skimpy and inadequate meal. If you want to really piss them off in a slightly subtle way, say "That's OK, I wasn't very hungry anyways. I'll eat some instant noodles back at the hotel."
  • If you drop your chopsticks, don't pick them up off the floor. Get new ones.
  • Offer to let the boss taste new dishes first.
  • Don't get offended by loud burping. Join in for a duet.
  • Slurp soup loudly as if you are auditioning to be a Hoover vacuum.
  • Eat a while. Then push back from the table a few inches and rest a while. Then eat some more.
  • Quietly order a small bowl of egg fried rice. Make some excuse about your doctor ordering you to do this. Then fill yourself up with this rice to avoid stomach upset. Also you will always have it in front of you to keep yourself busy if something really disgusting approaches on the lazy susan. Pretend to be too busy with your rice to eat the fried bumblebees when offered.
  • Try to secretly open a window early on. Otherwise your suit will be ruined by the heavy smoke in the air from the Chinese smokers.
  • Pretend to be a vegetarian in order to avoid any animal related food. This is hard to pull off the next day when they see you slipping into McDonalds.
  • The northern Chinese like to order a plain noodle dish at the end of the meal before the fruit. This is normally the best food of the entire meal or at least the most edible.

 

Gee, this page almost seemed a little bit useful. We apologize for this slip up. The next page should be really useless. Click below to go back to the main page to continue your epiphany of discovery about China business.

Click here to return to main menu page

Copyright Western Guerillas In The China Mist 1998
Distribution in any form (electronic or non-electronic) by permission only


Western Guerillas In The China Mist: Politically-incorrect Ezine covering business in China, business, management, investment, joint venture, consulting, recruit, job, career, Asia, Taiwan, invest, marketing, news, strategy, entry, sales, export, import, international, trade, consult, advice, humor, profit, job opportunities, investment opportunities, investing, in, to, from, Hong Kong, Japan, foreign, China business, China news, beijing, shanghai, tianjin, dalian, shenyang, guangzhou, canton, canton fair, trade show, yangtze, yellow river, jiang ze min, zhu rong ji, deng xiao ping, jiang, zhu, deng, manage, office, representative, human resources, karaoke, corruption, panda, beijing scene, peking, executive, search, headhunter, expatriate, hiring, chinese, language, province, cui jian, gorilla, guerilla, this is the place we stick a bunch of extra words which are supposed to make the search indexes find our page easier. Who knows if it makes any difference or not. We have never been able to figure those things out, mist